This Mirror isn't Big Enough for the Two of Us
by tremolux
Summary: Elena freaks out when she discovers her bathroom mirror is haunted by the ghost of Jonas Martin. His message leads Elena down a different path, and into several strange relationships.
1. Man in the Mirror

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 1: MAN IN THE MIRROR**

* * *

Elena rolled over in her bed, hugging her teddy bear tightly for some semblance of comfort. Her room was lit up with the golden aura of morning sun when she stirred awake. Groggy and tired, she defiantly pulled the blanket back up over her shoulders. Last night had been horrible for Elena and just about everyone else. There was a fire at Mystic Grill, Matt got stabbed in the neck, Elijah almost got resurrected, Luka died, and hours later, his father Jonas was killed by Katherine in Elena's bathroom. But what bothered Elena the most was how Katherine had managed to shack up with the Salvatore brothers. Elena didn't trust Katherine, and dreaded the idea of the brothers falling back into her web. Elena could already see the effect on Stefan in the way he backed up Katherine and her plans. On the other hand, Damon didn't seem to be affected, but who knew if that would last.

Elena knew she had overslept. She dreaded to look at the clock and discover how little time was left to prepare before school, but eventually she fought against her strong desire to stay in bed, and forced herself to peel one eye open and check the time. She peeked at the clock and then sprang out of bed, moving quickly to avoid being late. At least school would give her something to take her mind off all of the horror for a while. She dressed, brushed her teeth, and stood at the bathroom mirror to brush her hair. Out of the corner of her eye, something on the floor caught her attention, and she looked down to see a small spot of blood that was obviously missed during last night's clean up. Elena decided there wasn't enough time to take care of it right now.

Elena looked back at the mirror and screamed at what she saw. Jeremy came running into the bathroom within seconds.

"What's wrong?" Jeremy asked with a look of urgent concern.

Elena looked at Jeremy, and at the mirror, and nothing was out of the ordinary. But just for a second or two, she could have sworn there was a man standing right behind her.

"Nothing," Elena said. "Just my imagination playing tricks. Sorry."

Jeremy nodded. "Well, hurry up. We're running late enough as it is."

"I'm almost done." Elena finished her routine, grabbed her book bag, and drove off to school. During the ride, she thought about mundane high school drama to take her mind off all of the supernatural craziness. Little did she know that the craziness was just beginning.

* * *

It was night when Elena finally returned to her bedroom. She had a bad day and the drama with the Salvatores and Katherine was gnawing at the back of her mind and slowly driving her crazy. On the positive side, Matt wasn't dead, but no one could predict how Caroline would handle the situation, and there was always the potential for it to get ugly.

Elena figured she would take a hot shower before bed. She went into the bathroom and turned on the water to allow it to warm up when she again noticed the spot of blood on the floor. Elena soaked a rag with soap and warm water and got down on her hands and knees to clean up the blood stain. Angry and jealous thoughts ran through her mind while she scrubbed the floor. "Stefan has been such a jerk lately," she thought to herself. "I can't believe the way he stood there and supported _Katherine,_ of all people! And then he didn't even have the courtesy to clean up the mess she made! And then they just walk out of here like they're a couple again! It makes me so mad..."

After a long shower, Elena was beginning to feel a little bit better. She turned off the water, dried off and wrapped herself in a white towel. She stepped out of the shower and began to wipe the steamy condensation off of the mirror, but as soon as the mirror was clean, she saw a man standing right behind her; the same man from earlier. Elena shrieked and spun around. There was no one behind her, and when she turned back to the mirror, all was normal. But still, Elena had gotten a good enough look to recognize the middle-aged black man with short hair and a neatly trimmed beard. It was Jonas Martin, the one who died in her bathroom the night before.

* * *

There was a knock at the bathroom door. "Come in," Elena said.

Jeremy swung the door halfway open and stuck his head inside. "I thought I heard you scream again. Everything alright?"

Elena was still catching her breath. "I'm fine, but I think I saw a ghost!"

Jeremy laughed hard. "Come on, Elena. There's no such thing as ghosts!"

"But this is the second time it's happened today," Elena said.

"You're paranoid," Jeremy teased.

"We deal with vampires, werewolves, and witches every day," Elena reasoned. "Is it such a stupid idea that ghosts might exist, too?"

"Yes, Elena. It's _stupid_."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Elena moaned sarcastically.

Jeremy shrugged her off. "It's just your imagination, Elena. You've been under a lot of stress lately. It's not surprising that your mind is playing tricks on you."

Elena sighed. "Yeah, you're probably right." She wasn't sure, but it sounded reasonable enough. "Well, goodnight Jer."

"'Night," Jeremy said. He stepped back into his room and closed the door.

Elena flicked off the bathroom lights and retreated to her bedroom. She figured a good night's rest would ease her mind and cleanse her thoughts. She had no idea how wrong she was.


	2. My Name is Jonas

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 2: MY NAME IS JONAS**

* * *

The next morning, Elena rolled out of bed with a little more pep in her step, thanks to a good night's sleep. She did her usual morning routine, but every time she looked at the bathroom mirror, she was a little bit apprehensive.

Nevertheless, everything seemed to be fine, up to the time when Elena brushed her teeth. She bent over the sink to rinse, and when she looked back up at the mirror, _he was there._ Elena spun around again, an act that was becoming a habit for her as of late. Like before, she discovered that there was no one in the bathroom with her. But this time, when Elena looked back at the mirror, the image of the man remained.

"Elena," the man said. "Can you hear me?"

Elena froze in her tracks. "Jeremy! Jeremy!" she called out. "I need some help in here!"

Jeremy raced into the bathroom with a concerned look on his face. "What is it?"

Elena remained transfixed, her eyes locked on the man in the mirror. She pointed her finger. "Look!"

"He can't see or hear me, Elena. Only you can," the man in the mirror said.

Jeremy looked over the mirror curiously for a few seconds. "You want to tell me what am I looking for?"

"Umm... nothing, Jeremy," Elena said. "False alarm. Sorry." Jeremy rolled his eyes and promptly left the room.

"Elena?" Jonas asked. "This is Dr. Jonas Martin. Can you hear me?"

Elena stared at the mirror. The image of Jonas was so clear, it was as if he was standing right in the room, yet he wasn't. "I know who you are! You stole my favorite hairbrush, you jerk! And a picture of me from my cheerleader days!" Jonas groaned. "But you're dead! You died in this bathroom the night before last!"

"In a manner of speaking," Jonas said. "But I'm still... here."

"You were freakish enough when you were alive! I don't want a ghost in my bathroom!" Elena shouted.

Jonas laughed. "Don't be ridiculous, Elena! There's no such thing as ghosts."

"Get out!" Elena shouted.

"Elena, please just hear me out..." Jonas pleaded.

"Get the hell out of my mirror, you creep!" Elena shouted.

Jeremy came running into the room and shook his hysterical sister by the shoulders. "Elena, what's the matter with you? Why are you yelling?" Elena struggled to catch her breath. "Elena? You've been acting really weird over the past two days," Jeremy said. "Now if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'm going to have to suggest you go see a psychiatrist or something."

Elena took a deep breath, and not wanting to sound crazy once again, made up a cover story. "I was just... I guess I had a whole lot of anger built up about the way Stefan is running around with Katherine, and I just flipped out. Sorry if I scared you." The siblings hugged, and Elena peeked over Jeremy's shoulder and looked at the mirror. Jonas was gone.

"You gonna be okay now?" Jeremy asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Elena said. She hoped.

* * *

When Elena got home that night, the house was dark, and Jeremy and Jenna were obviously not there. Elena took the opportunity to send an urgent message to Bonnie, asking her to come over. Elena waited anxiously by the door and then feverishly ushered Bonnie into the house upon the moment of her arrival.

"Hey," Bonnie said. "I got here as soon as I could."

"Thanks for coming," Elena said. "I have something important to show you. Come up to my room." The two friends headed upstairs and into Elena's darkened bedroom. They walked in and Elena turned on the lights.

Bonnie was growing extremely curious over the meaning of Elena's cryptic text message. "So what's up?" Bonnie asked as she entered the bedroom.

"I might have to ask you for a favor," Elena said nervously. "But promise me you won't tell anyone else about it."

"Elena, I'm your best friend," Bonnie said. "You can tell me anything."

"Just promise me you'll keep it a secret," Elena said. "Jeremy already thinks I'm going crazy and I don't need any more grief..."

"I promise," Bonnie said. "Now what is it?"

"Come in here." Elena led Bonnie into the bathroom and flicked on the lights. "Do you feel anything... strange in here?"

Bonnie closed her eyes. "Hmm... not really."

"Keep trying," Elena said.

Bonnie opened her eyes. "It doesn't really work that way, Elena."

Elena became frustrated. "What about that mirror? Do you pick up on anything strange or paranormal about it?"

Bonnie looked over the mirror, touched her palm to it, and closed her eyes. "No. It seems completely normal." She opened her eyes. "Why don't you just tell me what's up?"

"Remember that creepy guy who died in here two nights ago?" Elena asked.

Bonnie nodded. "You mean Luka's father."

"Yeah. Well, I _saw_ him," Elena stated plainly.

"What do you mean _you saw him_? Elena, he's _dead_..."

"He lives in my mirror," Elena said.

Bonnie burst into laughter. "Oh, that's a good one, Elena! You really had me going! I thought you were being serious!"

"Bonnie!" Elena whined. "_I am_ being serious! He's appeared in my mirror three times already!"

"_Doctor __Jonas Martin_ lives in your mirror?" Bonnie giggled. "Come on, Elena. There's no such thing as ghosts!"

"Bonnie! I thought you of all people would believe me!" Elena shouted. "I just want him gone! Can you help me or not?"

"Wait... you're _really_ serious?" Bonnie asked.

"Yes!" Elena whined. "Help me! Can't you do like some sort of exorcism or something? I don't want that pervert leering at me every time I'm in the bathroom!"

Bonnie tried to restrain herself but she just couldn't help giggling, which drove Elena deeper into frustration and anger.

"_Bonnie!_" Elena shouted.

"I'm sorry," Bonnie apologized. "It just sounds so funny. What else does he do, aside from leering at you?"

"I don't know! He was trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to listen! He freaks me the hell out!"

Bonnie's eyebrows lifted. "He _talks_ to you?"

"Yes!" Elena's eyes widened when Jonas made a sudden appearance in the mirror. She pointed frantically. "Bonnie! Look! Look! He's back! Can't you see him? Look!"

Jonas' deep voice echoed through the bathroom, but only Elena could hear him. "She can't see or hear me, Elena," Jonas explained. "Tell her to take a hike. We don't need newbie witches hanging around with us."

"There is no _us_, you jerk! Get lost!" Elena shouted at the mirror in anger. Bonnie watched the outburst and worried for her friend's sanity.

Bonnie took a long look at the mirror and then she gently put her hand on Elena's shoulder. "There's no one there, Elena. Look, why don't we go downstairs, and we'll make you a nice cup of chamomile tea. It'll help you calm down."

"I don't want to calm down! I just want that jerk out of my mirror!" Elena shouted. "I thought for sure you would believe me, Bonnie. I mean how would you like it if you had some sleazy, middle-aged dirtbag living in your bathroom?"

Bonnie tried desperately to calm Elena down. "Okay, just relax..."

"Isn't there an exorcism or some witchy ju-ju thing you can do?" Elena asked frantically. "Something? _Anything_?"

Bonnie nodded. "There might be something I can try."

Elena clasped her hands together in praise. "_Yes!"_ she exclaimed_._ "Thank you."

"Elena, stop her now!" Jonas shouted. "Please listen to me! I have a very important message!" But Elena wasn't at all interested in what he had to say; she just wanted him _gone_.

"Give me a minute to prepare," Bonnie said. She closed her eyes and went silent.

"Elena, get her out of here! Don't let her do this!" Jonas warned with urgency in his voice. Elena ignored him and allowed Bonnie to proceed. After a few minutes, Bonnie placed her hands on the mirror and began to recite some words in a language Elena assumed was Latin. Within seconds, all of the light bulbs in the room suddenly exploded, raining down a bright shower of orange sparks. There was a thud, and when Elena's eyes adjusted, she saw Bonnie on the floor with a trickle of blood dripping from her nose.

"Bonnie!" Elena cried, and she helped her friend get up off of the ground. Elena noticed that Jonas was gone, as she assisted Bonnie and the girls hobbled back into the bedroom.

"I'm okay," Bonnie said. "I just need to sit down for a few minutes." Elena helped her to the edge of her bed, where Bonnie sat. Elena got a tissue and carefully dabbed at Bonnie's nosebleed.

"What happened in there, Bonnie?" Elena asked.

"It was weird... it's like there was a sudden burst of energy that collided with my spell," Bonnie explained. "When a witch dies, they imbue the site of their death with energy. I think your bathroom might be a hot spot for magical power, Elena. I've never experienced anything like that before!"

Elena smiled. "Well, whatever you did, it worked! That's all that matters right now. Thank you..."


	3. Help!

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 3: HELP!**

* * *

Once the spell was done and Bonnie went home, Elena felt more relaxed and at ease around the house. She figured at least there was one less problem to worry about, and she wouldn't have to ramble on like a crazy person about how some guy took up residence in her bathroom mirror.

Elena went into the bathroom and replaced all the light bulbs that blew up during Bonnie's explosive spell, then she meticulously swept up all the little bits of glass from the floor. "Nothing worse than stepping on glass with your bare feet," she muttered.

To celebrate the reopening of her Jonas-free bathroom, she dimmed the lights, drew herself a hot herbal bubble bath and slipped into the relaxing and aroma-therapeutic suds. "Now this is where it's at," she thought. She rested her head against the wall and closed her eyes, but her peaceful thoughts soon drifted back to Stefan and all of her issues surrounding that situation. "They're really crazy to think Katherine is going to help us," Elena muttered. "As soon as she gets a break, she'll stab us all in our backs. Or she'll stab me and Damon in the back, and run off with Stefan..."

"Elena."

Elena told herself she didn't hear that. She couldn't have. It was all in her head. Jonas was _gone_. Bonnie banished him. He was _gone_, never again to appear in her mirror. She _couldn't possibly_ be hearing him right now. It was her imagination, she thought. But it happened again.

"Elena..."

"Okay, I'm going to open my eyes and look at that mirror and see that there's nothing there, and that I'm only imagining this," Elena thought to herself. She took several deep breaths, drawing in as much air as her lungs could hold, and then exhaled slowly. Then she slowly and carefully peeled one eye open and took a peek over at the mirror. To her horror, there stood Jonas Martin, looking as serious and determined as the day he first appeared.

"Elena?" Jonas repeated.

"Oh, _hell_ no..." Elena muttered. She retreated deeper into her bubble bath.

"Elena, can you hear me?" Jonas asked.

Elena reached for the shower curtain and tugged it closed. "Get out of here, you jerk!" Elena shouted from behind the curtain. "Bonnie _banished_ you! You don't _belong_ here!"

"Bonnie has no power over me," Jonas said. "I faked the whole thing. I live here now, like it or not, so you'd better get used to it."

Elena poked her head out from behind the curtain. "You've got some nerve! If you _live here_, what's with all the creepy fading in and out when I least expect it?"

Jonas shrugged. "Dramatic impact?"

"Get lost," Elena said. "I've had it with you."

"Do you have some sort of problem with me living in your mirror?" Jonas asked.

"Yes!" Elena shouted.

"Is it because I'm black?" he asked.

"It's because you're always popping up and freaking me out, especially when I'm naked in the shower... girls tend to get pissed off about that sort of thing!"

"There's no need to be ashamed. You've got a really nice body," Jonas said. "Anyway, just try to think of me as a roommate."

"Creep!" Elena drained the tub, wrapped herself in a towel and jumped out of the bath in a huff. "This whole thing is just a little too bizarre for me! Why don't you go find someone else's mirror to haunt?"

"Elena, please just hear me out," Jonas pleaded. "A few minutes of your time is all I ask."

"Not interested. I have _more than enough_ on my plate at the moment," Elena said. "Tomorrow, I'm going to have this mirror replaced."

"Then I'll just appear in the new one," Jonas answered.

"Then I won't get a new one!" Elena shouted. "What are you gonna do then, smart ass?"

Jonas laughed. "How is a seventeen year old girl going to survive without a bathroom mirror?"

Elena growled in frustration and started to walk away. "This conversation is over..."

"Please, Elena," Jonas sadly called after her, "I just want to be reunited with my son."

* * *

Elena stopped in the doorway. "What?"

"I just want to be reunited with my son, Luka," Jonas said.

"Why are you telling me this?" Elena asked. "Reuniting dead people with their loved ones is a little beyond my expertise."

"Well for one, I happen to live with you. Two, everyone knows you're a bleeding heart and a softie for sad stories like my own. And three, you're actually courageous and determined enough to get the job done."

Elena turned around to face him, her wet air dripping on her shoulders. "If I help you get Luka back, do you _promise_ to go away?"

"Yes, you have my word," Jonas said. "After I'm reunited with Luka, I'll leave you in peace."

Elena nodded. "Alright. Let me put some clothes on first..."

"That's not necessary," Jonas said.

"Yes it is!" Elena shouted. "I never make deals while wearing a towel!"

Elena went into her bedroom and returned clothed a few minutes later. "Alright, I'm listening..."

Jonas didn't say anything. He remained still as if in deep thought. Elena grew impatient. "Well?" she asked. "You've finally got my attention, and now you go silent?"

"I'm just thinking about how I can dumb it down enough for you to understand," Jonas said.

"Oh, _thanks a lot!_" Elena scoffed. "I'm in three AP classes! I think I can handle your inane little ghost story!"

"Doesn't matter," Jonas said. "Everything you're taught at school is wrong anyway. You're wasting your life. But, I digress... I'm sure you already know the story of how Luka and I met our tragic deaths the other day."

Elena rolled her eyes. "Obviously! And I've got a ghost in my mirror to prove it."

"I'm _not a ghost_," Jonas scoffed. "It's highly offensive to call me that, in my opinion."

"Sorry," Elena apologized. "I just assumed that's what you were..."

"Let's not get sidetracked," Jonas suggested. "Right now, I'm going to tell you the part of the story that you didn't hear. On that fateful day, I used a teleportation spell to transport Luka into the Salvatore boarding house..."

"That's when Damon toasted him," Elena interjected.

"Yes, sadly," Jonas said. "But it gets worse..."

"Go ahead," Elena encouraged. "I'm no stranger to tragic stories."

"To get right to the point, because Luka died during that teleportation spell, he got stuck between two worlds, and he is not able to get to where I am right now. Make sense?"

"'Where,' meaning _in my mirror?_" Elena asked.

"I'm not in your mirror. I am on the other side of it. Mirrors are windows to other worlds, if you look at them the right way," Jonas explained.

"How does that work?" Elena asked. This was getting confusing.

Jonas sighed. "Look, I really don't have time to explain the dynamics of quantum physics as it relates to parellel worlds and the situation with my son. All you need to know is that it'll all work out if you do as I instruct."

"So basically you're saying that Luka can't make it over to where you are without my help?" Elena asked.

"I'm afraid not," Jonas said. "He will not be able to enter _my world_ unless someone in _your world_ fixes the problem. Get it?"

"I think so," Elena said. "So you just need me to straighten out the mess?"

"Exactly," Jonas said. "Well? Can I count on you?"

"You'll leave me alone after it's done, right?"

Jonas nodded. "Absolutely."

"Alright; I'll do it," Elena said. "What do I have to do first?"

"Thank you," Jonas said with great relief. "I knew I could depend on you, Elena. Now listen to me carefully. The first thing I want you to do is to go to my apartment..."

"Okay," she said.

"There's a spare key hidden on top of the door jamb," he continued. "Let yourself in and go to my desk..."

Elena nodded. "Alright..."

"Open up the third drawer from the bottom on the right side of my desk," Jonas went on. "Reach to the back of the drawer behind the voodoo dolls, and you'll find a small lock box..."

"Should I be writing all of this down?" Elena asked.

Jonas sighed. "I'll keep it brief. Anyway, you'll find the key for the lock box in the middle drawer of my desk, where the chicken feathers and iguana teeth are...

"Okay..." Elena said. She wondered where all of this was leading.

Jonas continued: "Unlock the box, and pull out the top tray with all of the gemstones in it. Beneath the tray you will find a sharp wooden stake engraved with the initials J.M. Take the stake and then go into my library..."

"Alright." Elena yawned. Her eyes were getting droopy and she was finding it difficult to stay awake at this point.

"In my library, look for an ancient book labeled _Liber 72_. It's a grimoire. It's big, heavy, and dusty as hell. Find it and take it with you..."

"Then what?" Elena asked.

Jonas cleared his throat. "Bring the grimoire home and stash it someplace safe."

"Okay," Elena said. "What am I supposed to do with the stake?"

"Kill Stefan Salvatore," Jonas said nonchalantly.

Elena was appalled. "Umm... _no!_"

"Elena, please," Jonas pleaded. "You said you would help me!"

"You think I'm going to kill my vampire boyfriend just because _some creep who I barely know_ appeared in a mirror told me to do it?" Elena scoffed.

"It's necessary," Jonas said. "So are you in, or not?"

"Hell no!" Elena shouted.

Jonas groaned. "What can I do to sweeten up the deal?"

"Nothing!" Elena shouted. "I'm not going to kill Stefan! Why do you even need him dead, anyway? It doesn't make any sense."

"It's ciritical!" Jonas argued.

"Is it?" Elena challenged. "Or is it about revenge?" Jonas looked away sheepishly. "Doctor Martin, I'm asking you a question!"

Jonas sighed. "Revenge..."

"I'm very disappointed in you, Doctor Martin!" Elena shook her finger.

"I understand," Jonas said. "Revenge is very underrated. Most people don't appreciate its true poetic beauty."

Elena frowned. "Why would you want revenge on _Stefan_, anyway? He didn't do anything to you. After all, _Damon_ is the one who turned Luka into a roasted marshmallow."

"I know," Jonas admitted defeatedly. "But I still want Stefan dead. His whole attitude pisses me right off. He's just so smug."

"Isn't there a way I can help you get Luka back _without_ killing Stefan _or_ Damon?" Elena asked.

"Yes, but you won't like that either!" Jonas countered.

Elena became concerned. "What do you mean by that?"

"You're putting your trust in the _wrong_ people!" Jonas warned.

"And I should trust you? Give me one good reason!" Elena scoffed.

"Because I can see _your probable future_," Jonas said. "Unless you change a few things, it doesn't end well."

Elena gulped hard. She didn't trust him, but she couldn't help but wonder. "What do you see?"

Jonas took a deep breath. "I see you hanging by a rope, bleeding to death over the moonstone. Your so-called saviors, the Salvatore brothers, will fail. They will both die trying to protect you from Klaus. And once Klaus gets his hands on you, you will die also, but not before Klaus slaughters most of your friends and family."

Elena's face turned pale. She was horrified. That was the most nightmarish outcome she could have imagined, but she wondered if it was prophecy, or if Jonas was just trying to scare her into doing his bidding.

"You're bluffing," Elena said with a straight face.

"Am I?" Jonas challenged. "Deep down, you know it's the truth. You were on the right path at one time. It's not too late to turn it around."

"How?" Elena asked.

"We need _somebody_... not just anybody," Jonas said.

"Who?"

"_You must resurrect Elijah._" Jonas' words rang with grave sincerity.

Elena's jaw dropped. "Resurrect Elijah? There's _no way_ that can end well!"

"Elena, you're putting your faith in the wrong people," Jonas said. "I know you want to protect your friends and family! _Elijah_ is the answer, not Damon and his idiot brother!"

"I don't know, Jonas," Elena said with reservation.

Jonas continued: "Trust in Elijah. He is a man of honor, and a man of his word. He's extremely powerful and has powerful ties. He managed to protect your friends and family before, and he can do it again."

Elena threw her hands up in frustration. "But I'm the one who stabbed that magical dagger through his heart! He'll be furious! Won't he kill me _and_ the Salvatores for crossing him?"

"He won't kill you," Jonas said. "Elijah will protect you up until the sacrifice. That much has not changed."

"But he'll kill Stefan and Damon!" Elena shouted.

"They did piss him off, big time," Jonas said. "But you can renegotiate with Elijah and make sure they are not harmed, just like before."

Elena became more and more frustrated. "And how do I manage that?"

"When you pull the dagger out and wake up Elijah, tell him this code word: _Bonzo_. He will know what it means. I give you my word, Elijah will not act on impulse before he reevaluates the situation. The brothers will not be harmed."

Elena paced around the bathroom floor. It was a risky decision involving not only Luka's fate, but her own and that of her loved ones.

"Well?" Jonas asked. "Are you in?"

The hard part was that Elena knew that on some level, Jonas was right. As noble as the Salvatores were, they were just babes in the woods compared to Originals like Elijah and Klaus. And if she wanted her loved ones protected from Klaus, Elijah was her best hope.

Elena clenched her fists. "Alright damn it, I'm in."

Jonas was visibly pleased. "A wise decision. Let's get started."


	4. Back in Black

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 4: BACK IN BLACK**

* * *

Elena stood in front of her bathroom mirror during her evening meeting with Jonas Martin. She was both anxious and determined to not only help Jonas reunite with Luka, but also to change her own course of action for the sake of her friends and family. Elena had decided that Jonas was right; Elijah was the answer for keeping Elena's friends and family safe. The Salvatore brothers were noble and meant well, but it seemed like they were in way over their heads as far as Klaus was concerned. Elena couldn't bear the thought of them dying to protect her.

"Alright! Let's do this thing," Elena said.

Jonas praised her. "You've made a wise decision."

"I'm just wondering one thing: how am I supposed to get the Salvatores to agree to resurrect Elijah?" Elena asked.

"You don't," Jonas said. "You're going to slip in to the boarding house in secret."

Elena nodded. "How am I going to sneak into the boarding house with Stefan, Damon, and Katherine there? They all have superhuman hearing."

"Fortunately for us, I'm a _kick ass_ warlock," Jonas said proudly. "I can cast an obfuscation spell that will temporarily keep you invisible from the three of them. They won't be able to see or hear you. It will give you just enough time slip in, go to the basement, wake up Elijah, and get out."

Elena frowned apprehensively. "Isn't this basically the same plan that got Luka charred and broiled?"

Jonas sighed. "Look, just make sure you don't dawdle or do anything stupid like Luka did, and everything should go smoothly."

Elena nodded. "Alright, when should we do this?"

"Right now. There's no time to waste, Elena," Jonas said. "Now, put your hand on the mirror." Elena curiously held her right hand palm flat against the mirror. Jonas closed his eyes and recited something in Latin. Suddenly, the mirror lit up with an etheric purple glow, and Elena felt an electric tingling sensation enter through her palm and course through her body. Jonas opened his eyes. "The obfuscation spell is done," he said. "The Salvatore brothers and Katherine will not be able to see or hear you, but you must hurry."

"That tickled!" Elena giggled. "It felt kind of cool. Can you do that again?"

"No," Jonas said flatly.

"Come on!" Elena whined. "One more time!"

"I don't do parlor tricks for your amusement!" Jonas huffed. "I'm a professional warlock with a PhD in folklore and mythology! I don't need this crap!"

Elena sighed. "Fine. Whatever."

Jonas regained his composure. "You must go now. The spell doesn't last very long."

"Okay," Elena said. She picked up her brush from the sink and started brushing her hair.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jonas demanded. "The spell won't last forever! Go get the job done before you run out of time!"

"Hey! The spell made my hair all static and frizzy," Elena whined. "I can't go out looking like_ this!_"

Jonas sighed. "Very well, but make it quick! The clock is ticking!"

"Don't be so pushy! I'm going!" Elena put the brush down and turned to leave, but she abruptly stopped and turned back. "You know, if you hadn't _stolen_ my best, _most favorite_ hairbrush in the world, I would have been ready much sooner!"

"Yes, yes, I'm truly very sorry... _now get going!_" Jonas shouted.

"Just saying, that's all," Elena said. She ran out of the bathroom, grabbed her car keys, and headed out.

* * *

Elena stood outside the front door of the Salvatore boarding house and took a few deep breaths. "I sure hope Elijah doesn't kill me for revenge," she thought. "That would really suck." With a final exhale, she opened the door and entered. She walked into the foyer and tested out Jonas' spell to make sure they really couldn't see or hear her. Elena stopped to observe: Stefan and Damon were both sitting by the fireplace, skimming through Jonathan Gilbert's many dusty and yellowed journals. They didn't react to her presence, so the spell seemed to be working as planned. Damon was reading intently, with a journal in one hand and a glass of bourbon in the other. Katherine seemed to be trying very hard to get the brothers' attention. She pranced around in a low-cut top that revealed a fair amount of cleavage, and she wasn't afraid to flaunt it.

Suddenly, the voice of Jonas boomed through Elena's ears. "Elena, never mind them! Go to Elijah!"

"Hold on!" Elena whined. "I want to see this!" She wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to spy a little.

Katherine went back and forth between the brothers, generally teasing and attempting to distract them from their reading. "This is a pathetic sight," Katherine scowled. "You two sitting around here like it's a library... both of you fawning over some seventeen year old girl, like drooling schoolboys... running after a cheap imitation of me, when you've got _the real deal_ right in front of you. _Pathetic!_"

Stefan chuckled and flipped through the pages of the next journal. Katherine snuck up on him, snatched the book from his hands, and jumped in has face such that they were practically nose to nose. Stefan froze, too scared to move, as if he was staring right at a vicious animal that was about to strike. "Alright," Katherine announced, "which one of you wants the _honor_ of being the first Salvatore to _do me_ this century? _How about you_, Stefan?"

Stefan gulped.

"Katherine?" Damon asked.

"Yes, Damon," she said sweetly.

"Come here for a minute," Damon said.

Katherine pushed Stefan back down on the sofa and went over to Damon. "Yes, Damon?" she sang sweetly.

Damon looked up from his journal. "Go to hell," he said flatly, and took a big gulp from his glass of bourbon.

Stefan's attention fell away from his journal, and shifted over to Katherine, with her low-cut top and her enticing curves. Katherine noticed his ogling and shot him back a flirtatious glance. Then they shared a brief but intense eye-sexing session before Stefan mustered his willpower and buried his nose back in the journal.

Elena watched it all happen and she clenched her fists in rage. "I see the way you're looking at her, Stefan!" she shouted. "You can't fool me! I know you're still into her!"

The booming voice of Jonas Martin interrupted Elena's fit: "Elena, please! They can't see or hear you! Never mind them! Just get the job done! You're running out of time! This is a disaster!"

Elena was fuming mad. "Is it too late to change my mind about the whole 'let's kill Stefan' thing?" she asked Jonas.

"Just get to Elijah!" Jonas replied. "Hurry!"

"_I wish_ Stefan could see me right now!" Elena fumed. "My _Petrova fire _is rising!"

"Elijah! Focus on Elijah!" Jonas' voice boomed. "Please, Elena. Take control of your emotions!"

"Alright, I'm going! Shut up already," Elena groaned and she made her way down to the cellar of the boarding house.

* * *

Elena swiftly made her way down to the cellar and opened the heavy iron door where Elijah's gray and lifeless body laid. The door made a creaking sound that was rather loud, and Elena froze in terror. She hoped against hope that no one else in the house heard the noise, otherwise things could get ugly fast. She tiptoed into the room, kneeled down next to Elijah, and wrapped her hands around the dagger's handle. "Alright," she thought to herself, "this is the point of no return. If I want to back out, this is my last chance..."

"Elena, pull out the dagger," Jonas' voice boomed. "Trust in Elijah."

"Don't interrupt me when I'm making life and death decisions!" Elena fired back.

"I'm beginning to wish I had died in _Bonnie's_ bathroom instead," Jonas sighed.

"Okay," Elena said. "I'm gonna do it." She steadied her hands and gripped the dagger.

Suddenly, a figure appeared in the doorway and scared Elena breathless. It was Damon; Damon _with a flamethrower_ in his hands. He charged into the room and ferociously let loose a torrent of fire, engulfing Elijah and his surprisingly fire-proof Italian designer suit. Elena shrieked and dove out of the way just in the nick of time. She landed on a mound of soft dirt where the brothers grew vervain. She curled up to avoid the flames and heat, shaking in mortal fear as Damon relentlessly blasted Elijah's body with fire.

Within seconds, Stefan frantically ran into the room. "What's going on?" he shouted in a panic. "Another witch attack?"

Damon shut off the flamethrower. "No."

Stefan frowned. "Then what the hell are you doing?"

Damon smirked. "Blasting Elijah's corpse with fire... _obviously_."

"_Obviously_... I can see that," Stefan said. "_Why_ are you doing it?"

"It's a great stress reliever," Damon said. "I do it three or four times a day. Want to try?" He held out the flamethrower.

"Hell, I'll give it a whirl," Stefan said. He rolled up his sleeves, took the flamethrower from his brother and was soon blasting Elijah with flames. Elena was sweating from the heat in the room. She kept her fingers crossed that the spell would hold out long enough to finish the job and that she wouldn't meet the same hot and crispy fate as Luka.

It wasn't long before Katherine showed up to see what all the commotion was about. "What the hell are you two doing?" she asked.

"Stress relief," Damon shouted above the noise of the flamethrower.

"Give me a break!" Katherine scoffed. "You want to release tension? I have over _five hundred years_ of sexual experience under my belt! _Do the math_, you idiots! You two knuckleheads would _really_ rather sit around and read books and play with a stupid flamethrower?"

Damon shrugged indifferently.

"_Screw you guys!_ I'm going dancing," Katherine shouted, and she ran off in a huff.

"Hey Damon, you were right!" Stefan shouted through the inferno. "This feels _great!_"

"Told ya," Damon said. "That's enough for tonight. Let's get back to work."

"Aw, come on! Five more minutes," Stefan shouted.

"You're gonna use up all the gas!" Damon shouted, but Stefan wasn't paying attention. Damon rolled his eyes and went back upstairs. Elena huddled in the corner away from the flames and waited for Stefan to finish his therapeutic pyromania session. Once he finished and things got quiet again, Elena was ready to finish the job.

Elena kneeled over Elijah and grabbed the dagger. "Please don't kill us all," she muttered. With a grunt, she pulled the dagger up and out of Elijah's chest. The color immediately returned to his face and he opened his eyes. Elena smiled. "Hi!" she said cheerily. Before she could blink, Elijah had her pinned against the wall with his hand around her throat. Elena was too terrified to speak. Elijah was one scary dude, especially when he was pissed off. Elena shivered when he brought his face to hers and took a lingering sniff. He knew immediately that it was Elena and not Katherine.

"Is that jasmine I smell?" Elijah asked.

Elena gulped. "Um... yeah," she stammered nervously. "It's an herbal shampoo."

A cruel smile crossed Elijah's face. "I remember that smell quite clearly, Miss Gilbert, from the last time we met... when you drove that dagger straight through my heart. Remember that?"

"But... but... I brought you back," Elena stammered.

Elijah glared at her. "Now what I can't figure out... is why you would do such a _stupid_ thing like that?"

"_Bonzo_," she said. Thankfully, Elena had recovered enough nerve to remember the code word. "Jonas Martin sent me."

Elijah immediately eased up and released his grip on her neck. "This is an interesting turn of events. How is my dear friend Jonas?"

"He's dead," Elena said. Elijah's eyebrows raised. "He lives in my bathroom mirror now. It's a long story."

Elijah frowned incredulously. "Are you bullshitting me, little girl?"

"Honest," Elena said.

"May I see this mysterious magical marvel of a mirror?" Elijah asked.

"No..." Elena shook her head timidly.

Elijah smiled. "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What I meant to say was: _show me the mirror, right now._"

"Um..." Elena stammered. "Okay, but... let's just get out of here before we get caught."

"After you," Elijah said, waving Elena ahead. She led the way, and the unlikely duo quietly slipped out the back of the boarding house and into the cool evening air.


	5. Communication Breakdown

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 5: COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN**

* * *

Elena quickly and nervously ushered Elijah up the stairs and into her bedroom. "It's in here," she said, leading him into the bathroom. She flicked on the lights. Jonas was waiting in the mirror.

"It's about time," Jonas groaned. "Elena, we really need to discuss your attitude on the job. You were _completely unprofessional_ out there! It's a miracle you even got it done..."

Elijah looked blankly at the mirror."Well? Where is the old chap?"

"He can't see me, Elena," Jonas said. "Only you can. We've been over this enough times already!"

"Um... well, he's here but... only I can see him," Elena nervously explained to Elijah.

Elijah glared at Elena and she backed away nervously. "What kind of game are you playing with me, little lady?" he asked.

"I'm not," Elena stammered.

Elijah was not convinced. He slowly and menacingly crept towards Elena as she backed away into her bedroom out of fright.

"Jonas! I could use a little help in here!" she shouted. "Please, Elijah, you're making a mistake! I'm telling the truth!"

Elijah grabbed Elena by the throat. "_You_ made the mistake when you crossed me. Now, you're going to play by _my rules_."

"Elena, tell him to 'bring it on home!'" Jonas instructed.

"What?" Elena gasped.

"Just say it!" Jonas shouted.

"_Bring it on home_," Elena said.

Elijah looked surprised, but he still wouldn't let her loose. "Bring _what_ on home?" he asked.

"Oh, damn... I forgot the code," Jonas muttered. "Custard pie? No... wait! Black dog!"

"A dog... black dog!" Elena frightfully stammered.

"_When_?" Elijah demanded.

"_When the levee breaks_," Elena answered without hesitation. She breathed a sigh of relief as Elijah released her from his grip.

"_Wow_, Elena!" Jonas shouted. "How the hell did you know the answer?"

"It was _so obvious_... _anyone_ could have guessed it," Elena called back. "Led Zeppelin rules!"

"So, it's true," Elijah said, stroking his chin in preponderance. "This is a _fascinating_ turn of events..." He began to pace around Elena's room, curiously looking over some of the trinkets and treasures she kept on top of her dresser.

"So what now?" Elena asked nervously.

Elijah smiled. "Have you eaten dinner yet, Miss Gilbert?"

"No," Elena said. "I've been too busy raising the dead."

"Good." Elijah walked towards the door. "Join me for dinner tonight, and we'll renegotiate the terms of our agreement. Do you like French cuisine?"

Elena nodded. "Um... sure," she said.

"Wonderful. I'll send a car to pick you up. Eight o' clock, on the dot," Elijah said, and he stepped out of the room.

"_Okay_..." Elena said with uncertainty.

Elijah abruptly turned back. "Oh, and Miss Gilbert, one more thing..."

"Yes?"

"_Dress nicely_." And in a flash, he was gone.

* * *

Elena glanced at her bedside alarm clock. It was almost seven. She had little more than an hour to get ready. She was left confused by what had just transpired, and she thought it would be worth consulting Jonas about it, since he clearly knew Elijah better. Jonas was waiting for her when she went back into the bathroom.

"Well?" Jonas asked. "Is Elijah willing to renegotiate?"

"Yup," Elena said.

"_Yes!_" Jonas pumped his fist. "Everything is working out according to plan."

"There's something else though," Elena said with a concerned look.

"What now?" Jonas asked.

"I think Elijah just asked me out on a _date_," Elena said with a hushed voice. "Maybe... I think."

Jonas laughed it off. "No way!"

"Yes!" Elena protested. "I can't say for sure, but I think it's a _date_..."

Jonas laughed hard. "Elijah? Asked _you_ out on a _date_? You're dreaming!"

"Well, he really didn't _ask_, " Elena said. "He _told_."

"You think _Elijah_ wants to date_ you_?" Jonas repeated in disbelief.

Elena nodded. "Yup. I do."

Jonas cracked up again. "No offense honey, but Elijah is _way_ out of your league! I know you fancy yourself a vampire groupie or something, but give it up, girl! It's just _not happening_..."

Elena was offended. "What are you saying, Jonas? That I can't attract older, handsome, and cultured vampire men? Well, you're _wrong!_"

"He's an _Original_," Jonas said. "You think he has nothing better to do than to date teenagers? Please! You might as well just go out with _Damon_... at least you have a shot with him."

"I don't know, Jonas. I think I picked up on a _vibe_," Elena said.

"Oh please!" Jonas spat with disgust. "This is crazy. I don't need to stand here and listen to your teenage hormonal drama! I'm outta here..."

"Hey! Don't go!" Elena shouted.

"What's that? I can't hear you," Jonas said, cupping his hand to his ear. "You're breaking up. I'm fading out... gotta run... my battery must be getting low." The image of Jonas slowly faded and became translucent.

Elena became enraged. "Hey! _Don't you dare_ fade out on me!" she shouted. "If you want my help getting Luka back, you'd better _man up_ and help me figure this out!"

Jonas immediately re-materialized. He crossed his arms over his chest and was clearly not thrilled to be there. "Alright," Jonas sighed.

"So, as I was saying..." Elena continued. "Elijah and I had this little moment when I brought him back from the dead and I also picked up on a vibe when he strangled me. I don't know... I think he might _like_ me."

Jonas rolled his eyes. "_Of course_ he _likes_ you! He's _using_ you as a sacrifice in order to kill Klaus so he can make a power grab and become the new head honcho among the vampires!"

"But I've got the magic dagger now!" Elena was bursting with excitement. "We can use it to kill Klaus and I won't have to be sacrificed! And then _just imagine_... I could be dating the _new_ top vampire! The _most original_ of the Originals!" Elena nearly swooned at the fantasy.

Jonas became frustrated. "You'd better screw your head on, girl! You're not _dating_ Elijah! You're going to renegotiate the deal, and that's that! Stick to the plan!"

Elena pointed her finger. "Are you _jealous_, Jonas?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Jonas grumbled. "My relationship with Elijah was on a _purely professional_ level!"

Elena shook her head and stared dreamily. "I don't know... the way he set this up really makes me wonder if it might be a _date_."

Jonas sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Alright, what were his exact words?"

"Well, he asked me if I had dinner yet. I said no," Elena said. "Then he basically told me to join him tonight."

"To renegotiate, right?" Jonas asked.

Elena nodded. "Yes, but..."

Jonas waved his hand. "Well there you go._ It's not a date_. It's just a business dinner. Nothing special. Don't sweat it."

"A business dinner on a Friday night?" Elena asked.

"Okay, the timing is a little odd, I'll give you that..." Jonas said. "But still, business is business."

"He's _sending a car_ for me," Elena added.

"Really?" Jonas scratched his beard. "Damn. He's never sent a car for me in all the years I've worked for him. Twenty years of loyalty and what do I have to show for it? I'm living in a bathroom mirror and talking to a teenage vampire groupie." Jonas hung his head in disappointment.

"Hey, I'm not a _groupie!_" Elena whined. "I don't give it up that easily!"

Jonas sighed. "What else did he say?"

"Well, he told me to 'dress nicely'," Elena added. "That sounds like a date, doesn't it?"

Jonas shrugged. "He's _Elijah_. That's just the way he rolls. He classes it up. What's the restaurant?" Jonas asked.

Elena squinted. "He didn't say."

"Did he mention what kind of food?" Jonas prodded.

"French," Elena said.

"_Damn!_" Jonas stomped his foot. "Okay, this is starting to sound like a date."

"I told you!" Elena went spastic. "Oh my God, I'm freaking out! I have _nothing_ to wear and my ride is going to be here in less than an hour! What if I'm overdressed? Or what if I'm under dressed? I'll make a _fool_ of myself in front of Elijah! What should I do? This is a total nightmare!"

Suddenly, the other door opened and Jeremy stuck his head in. "Elena, what's going on? Who are you yelling at?"

Elena froze. "Not now, Jer..."

"You're talking to the mirror again, aren't you?" Jeremy interrogated.

Elena pulled her hair in frustration. "I said _not now_, Jeremy! I'm under _tremendous pressure!_" she fumed with a clenched jaw.

"We all want to get you some help," Jeremy said soothingly. "But first you have to _admit_ that you have a problem."

"Please leave me alone! I'm running late! I'm late for a _very important_ date!" Elena shouted and chased Jeremy out of the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Just _relax_," Jonas suggested. "Why are you so nervous about a stupid dinner, anyway?"

Elena twirled her hair with an absent-minded stare. "I don't know..."

Jonas groaned. "Oh, don't tell me... you _like_ him?"

"No!" she fired back. "Well, I don't know... _maybe_," she admitted, staring up at the ceiling. "He's _scary_, that's for sure... but also _dreamy_. He's real, and classy, and noble, and funny... and respectful... I like how he calls me Miss Gilbert all the time... but he's definitely scary. Oh my God, I've got to get dressed!"

Elena ran into her bedroom and checked the closet. She rummaged through all of her dresses. She hated every single one, but she picked out four of them as possibilities and brought them into the bathroom to show Jonas. "Which one do you think I should wear?" Elena asked.

Jonas groaned. "Why are you asking me? Isn't this something you should be asking one of your _female_ friends? Not the jackass in the mirror?"

"Because I'm out of time and I'm freaking out and I need to dress up and you're already here!" Elena shouted. "Besides, you know Elijah. What does he like? What do you think of the black one?"

Jonas frowned. "Too plain. It looks kind of like something you'd wear to a funeral."

"Skip that," Elena said and tossed the ugly dress aside. "How about the red one?"

Jonas shook his head. "Too flashy."

"The white one?" she asked.

"Too light and fluffy," Jonas said.

"Could you be a little more helpful?" Elena whined. "Does Elijah have a favorite color or something? Give me something I can use!"

"I don't know," Jonas said, scratching his head. "I think he likes silver."

"I can do silver!" Elena declared with glee. She ran out and came back with the dress. "How about that?"

Jonas sighed. "Just pick one already!"

"Fine. Silver it is," Elena said. "What about these earrings?"

"Too dangly," Jonas complained.

"Screw you. I'm wearing them anyway," Elena said, fastening the tiny studs to her ears.

"You gonna do something with that hair?" Jonas asked.

"Why, what's wrong with it?"

"It's so straight and boring," Jonas said.

"I'll pin it up," Elena said. "I think Elijah likes my herbal shampoo."

Jonas groaned. "So are you going to keep this a secret from Stefan?"

Elena frowned. "Keep _what_ a secret?"

Jonas sighed. "The date... or... _whatever_... with Elijah, of course!"

Elena sighed. "You know what? I'm just going to call him up and tell him outright. Honesty is the best policy, right?" She ran back into the bedroom and made the call while slipping into her chic silver dress.

* * *

Stefan was sitting on a sofa with his nose buried in yet another one of Jonathan Gilbert's journal when his phone rang. At around the same time, Katherine was on her way out of the house to go clubbing, but when she noticed Stefan in a vulnerable position, she decided to give it another shot. She casually glided over to where he was sitting.

Stefan pressed the phone to his ear. "What's up, Elena?" he asked.

"Hi Stefan," Elena said. "Um... I just wanted to let you know... I'm having this important business dinner with this guy tonight, and it kinda sounds like it's also a date, even though I didn't _realize_ it was a date when he asked me, if that makes any sense. So I'm just telling you outright so we don't have any secrets between us."

Perhaps it was Katherine's seductive glance that stole Stefan's attention, or her ample cleavage, or her favorite black mini skirt with the zipper along the side, or the fishnet stockings, or the heels, but his focus drifted and he was barely able to discern one word that Elena said. "Okay. Have a nice time," Stefan told Elena. "Love ya lots."

Elena was frustrated by the brevity and passiveness of his response. He didn't get upset, and he showed no curiosity or jealousy or anything else she expected. "Did you hear me, Stefan? I'm going on a _date_ with _some guy_. He's taking me to a _fancy_ French restaurant which is something you've _never_ done! Aren't you _mad_? Don't you even _care?_"

At that point, Katherine grabbed the journal from out of Stefan's hand and tossed it over her shoulder. Then she pounced on the sofa and shamelessly began to give Stefan a slow, sensual lap dance. Stefan tried to brush her off, but she was too strong. She kept on teasing and distracting him despite his efforts to squirm out from under her. "Sounds cool, Elena," Stefan said. "Good luck with that."

Elena was flabbergasted. He didn't seem to be listening, so she tested him: "Stefan, did you even hear me? I just raised Elijah from the dead and now he's taking me out on a date! Doesn't that piss you off?"

Katherine was really starting to work it. She giggled and tossed her hair back in Stefan's face. "I hear the weather out there is really nice this time of year," Stefan babbled over the phone. Suddenly, Katherine flipped herself backwards and wrapped her legs around Stefan's neck like a pretzel. "_Wow!_" he gasped. "Where did you learn to move _like that_?"

"Move like _what_?" Elena asked. "Stefan, you're not making any sense! But I've got to go now. I guess I'll just talk to you later." She hung up the phone and finished getting ready for the big date.


	6. First Date

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 6: FIRST DATE**

* * *

Elena rushed to doll herself up during the last few minutes available before her ride was supposed to arrive. She stood in front of her bathroom mirror and made her final adjustments in a flurry of makeup, mascara, and lipstick.

"My lashes are _hideous!_" she whined.

Jonas sighed. "Just focus on _the mission_, Elena. Guys really don't give a crap about lashes!"

"It's the little things that add up, Jonas," she said. "I mean this is _Elijah_ we're talking about... I'm in the big time now, and trust me; _he notices_ the finer details."

"How do you know?" Jonas challenged her. "You only met him like four days ago!"

"I want to make a good impression, that's all," Elena said.

Jonas rolled his eyes. "Look, whatever you do, don't piss off Elijah again! You're _extremely lucky_ he's giving you a second chance. If this dinner doesn't work out, we're both _screwed!_"

They were interrupted by a knock on the door from Jeremy's side, and Elena called him in. Jeremy opened the door and poked his head in. "Some dude is at the front door asking for Miss Gilbert."

"_Some dude_?" Elena repeated.

"A driver dude," Jeremy said.

"Oh, well that's my ride," Elena said. "Tell him I'll be right down."

"So where are you going in a limousine?" Jeremy asked.

"Oh my God," Elena gasped. "A limo? He said he was sending a _car_..."

"What did you expect?" Jonas said. "Elijah rides in style. What did you _think_ he meant?"

"Now I feel totally under dressed," she whined.

"Under dressed for what?" Jeremy asked.

"My date..." Elena caught herself, "I mean, some business dinner thing with some vampire."

"_What_ vampire?" Jeremy prodded.

"Nobody," Elena said. "Never mind."

"Oh man... you're _cheating_ on _Stefan_?" Jeremy asked in disbelief. "I can't believe it!"

"I am _not_ cheating on Stefan! I already told him all about it," Elena protested.

"Hurry up, Elena!" Jonas pleaded. "Don't blow it! Luka and I are depending on you!"

"Shut up Jonas!" she shouted. "I'm going!"

"You're _still_ talking to your mirror?" Jeremy shook his head with disappointment. "Elena, you need _serious_ help."

"Not now, Jer!" she whined. "My ride is here!" Elena smoothed out her chic silver dress, grabbed her bag, and trotted downstairs. A tall man in a dark suit, cap, and white gloves was standing at the door.

"Miss Gilbert?" the man asked.

"That would be me," Elena said. Within moments she was nervously sliding onto the smooth leather seats in the back of a black six-door Cadillac limousine. Through the tinted windows, Elena saw Jeremy watching as the car pulled away.

"Hey driver," Elena asked. "Where's Elijah?"

"Mr. Elijah had business to attend to," the driver answered. "He will meet you at your destination."

"Oh," Elena said. "How long have you worked for Elijah?"

The driver glanced at Elena via the rear view mirror. "For centuries now."

"Oh!" Elena giggled. "I wasn't sure. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a little bit of a strange question?" She went ahead without waiting for his reply: "Do you think this is like... _a date_, or what? I mean, does Elijah do this with a lot of women, or..." She sighed. "I guess our lines of communication got crossed and I was just wondering where I stand."

"I just drive. I don't judge," the driver replied curtly.

Elena nodded. "I'd just really like to figure out if this is a date or not. What restaurant are we going to?"

"I don't know," the driver said.

Elena leaned forward in her seat. "What do you mean _you don't know_? How are you supposed to drive me there if you don't know?"

"I'm not instructed to take you to any restaurant, ma'am," the driver said plainly.

Elena let go a deep exhale in disbelief. This day just kept getting weirder and more illogical. "_Okay_... so _where_ are you taking me then?"

"To the airport," the driver said.

Elena was flabbergasted. "_Airport_? No, something is wrong here. Elijah and I are supposed to go to _dinner_, which means you're supposed to drive me to the _restaurant_. Would you please call him and find out _where_ I'm supposed to meet him?"

"If you insist." The driver obliged and instantly got on the phone with Elijah. "Mr. Elijah," he said. "Miss Gilbert has expressed concerns regarding her destination..." There was a long pause. "I see... I see... yes, Mr. Elijah," he said, and hung up.

"So where are we going?" Elena prodded.

"The airport," the driver repeated.

Elena sat forward. "What the hell? Where am I supposed to meet Elijah?"

"The restaurant."

"Where's the stupid restaurant?" Elena asked eagerly.

"Manhattan."

Elena jumped in her seat. "New York City? The Big Apple?" she exclaimed.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well that explains it," she said, finally getting the big picture.

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "You'll board Mr. Elijah's private jet for an approximate forty-five minute flight to the city. Another car will be waiting to bring you to the restaurant."

"Another limo?" Elena asked.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good grief!" Elena began hyperventilating, and she struggled to regulate her breathing. "Get a grip, Elena," she told herself. "This is kind of over the top for a first date! Don't you think so, driver?"

"How do you know for sure that it's a date?" the driver asked.

"I don't!" Elena buried her face in her hands. "_This is so confusing..._"

* * *

The next hour went by as a blur. Elena was driven to the airport, escorted onto Elijah's jet, flown to New York City, whisked away by another limo, and ushered into the busy restaurant like she was somebody famous. She overheard voices talking about her as she passed by, questioning who she was, who she was _with_, and what movies she recently appeared in.

Finally arriving at her destination, Elena was seated at a cozy, but curiously empty, table for two. The waiter wasted no time in delivering a bottle of champagne sitting in a bucket of ice, and a basket of freshly baked rolls.

"Good evening, Miss Gilbert," the waiter said. He popped the cork on the bottle of champagne and poured a shallow glass for her, and another for the still absent Elijah. "Mr. Elijah is running a few minutes late. He left a message that he'll be with you shortly. Would you like to go ahead and order?"

"I think I need a minute to decide," Elena said. "Thank you." The waiter nodded and promptly disappeared. Elena took a good look around the place: it was large and crowded but pleasant, with a charming old-world European atmosphere. Definitely the kind of ambiance that Elijah would go for, she thought. Elena sipped her champagne while her eyes shifted to the lone candle flickering inside a red glass jar on the table. "Table for two, candles, and champagne," she thought to herself, "holy crap, this _has to be_ a date!" And then she started to panic. "Breathe, Elena, _breathe_ _damn it!_" she told herself. She flipped through the menu as a distraction. It looked entirely cryptic to her, loaded with all kinds of fancy foreign names and descriptions that didn't make sense to her. She put down the menu and jumped in her chair out of fright. "Elijah!" she gasped. "You scared me." Elijah had made his typical silent, ninja-like appearance.

Elijah nodded. "I tend to do that... my, my..." he trailed off. "You smell absolutely _fragrant _tonight, Miss Gilbert."

Elena blushed. "Well, I... thank you. That's the nicest oddball compliment I've gotten all day."

"I trust your flight went smoothly?" he asked.

Elena nodded. "It was great! I played video games the whole time. I kicked butt in _Resident Evil_."

"Some of those zombies really freak me out," Elijah said. "Especially the ones who break through the walls from out of nowhere."

"Tell me about it!" Elena smiled. "You know, this is the first time I've flown to New York City just for a meal." She tugged at her necklace nervously. "I guess you can tell I don't get out much, huh?"

Elijah looked bewildered. "You mean Stefan doesn't take you out?"

"Well, not really," she said nervously. "I mean not like _this, _with all of the limos and private jets and champagne and stuff... no, he prefers to stay home most of the time."

"Pity, that," Elijah said flatly.

"I mean we'll go to the Grill once in a while, but Stefan would just as soon run around the woods and eat squirrels and stuff..." Elena rambled on anxiously.

"_Charming_," Elijah quipped with a forced smile.

The waiter returned and took their orders. Once he was gone, Elena decided to bite the bullet and try to get some answers out of Elijah.

"So, Elijah..." she began, "what's up with _all of this_?"

"I'm a man of very refined tastes, as you may have guessed," Elijah answered vaguely.

Elena cleared her throat. "I mean, when you mentioned dinner, I really didn't expect the limos, and jets, and the fancy restaurant, and the red carpet treatment."

"Is it not to your liking, Miss Gilbert?" Elijah asked with great concern.

Elena raised her hand in objection. "Oh, no! It's awesome! Don't get me wrong... I love it... I'm just wondering..."

"Wondering... what, exactly?" he urged her to continue.

"I guess I was wondering why you chose _me_ as your... um... _dinner companion_..." Elena trailed off.

Elijah fiddled with his cufflinks. "You know, I've broken my rule for you, Miss Gilbert... I usually don't get involved with younger women. Too much trouble..."

Elena swallowed hard. "_Involved_? We're _invovled_?"

"We're involved in an agreement," Elijah said. "You really blew it the first time around... but I'm willing to give you a second chance."

"Oh..." Elena looked around nervously and hushed her voice as if she was afraid to be overheard. "But... well... is this like... a _date_, or...?"

Elijah smiled slyly. "Miss Gilbert..."

"You can call me _Elena_," she interrupted. "I mean, if you want to. I think we know each other well enough by now."

"If you insist," he said. "_Elena_..." The lush, woodwind-like musical quality of his voice reciting her name made Elena weak in the knees. "You pulled the dagger from my heart and brought me back to life. I thought I'd treat you."

"Oh." Elena's smile faded. "So it's _not_ a date," she said sadly. "That's fine... I'm okay with that. Really. Not that it even matters." She looked away, trying to hide her disappointment.

"Of course, you did put that dagger there in the first place," Elijah continued. "And, under _normal_ circumstances, I would have ripped your heart out and bitten into it like a ripe apple by now."

Elena gulped hard.

"But our circumstances are _far from norma__l_, Miss Gilbert," he went on. "You are... a _special case._"

Elena nearly choked on her champagne. "You think I'm _special_?" Her eyes lit up and her palms began to sweat.

"Of course," Elijah said.

Elena rubbed at her brow nervously. "You know, Elijah... I just feel like I'm getting some mixed signals here."

"You're a _very special_ person," Elijah reiterated. "You're a Petrova doppelganger."

"Oh." Elena's smile receded yet again. "So it's all about _business_," she said sadly. "I should have known... that's okay... I'm fine. I just wanted to be clear."

While Elena pretended _not_ to be upset, Elijah pulled up a picture on his iPhone and slid it across the table towards her. "Have you ever seen this man?" he asked.

Elena took a good look at the picture and concentrated. "No... I don't think so," she said, shaking her head.

"_Correct_," Elijah said. "Because if you _had_ seen him, you'd be dead right now."

"That's _Klaus_!" Elena gasped.

"That is Klaus," Elijah confirmed.

"Funny," she said. "I always pictured him as a much older guy... but he's actually kind of cute."

"Okay, you've seen enough." Elijah jerked the iPhone back abruptly and stuffed it into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. "So, regarding our contract... I assume you still want me to protect your family and friends, just like before."

"Oh, yes," Elena said. "The whole enchilada."

"And likewise, I need _you_ to help me kill Klaus..." Elijah went on.

"Why are you so eager to kill Klaus, anyway?" Elena asked. "You've never told me."

Elijah smiled diabolically. "Klaus is my boss," he explained. "I know _everybody_ fantasizes about brutally murdering their boss. But in my case, I'm actually going to do it. And once he's out of the way, I will make my grab for _ultimate power_ and reign supreme!"

Elena crunched away on her delicious and ridiculously oversized Mediterranean salad. "Also, Jonas needs you to keep Greta safe," she added. "Once Klaus is dead, she needs to use a certain grimoire to set Luka free from the world he's trapped in."

"Very well," Elijah said. "With Jonas dead, I will have to bring in a new warlock to take his place. Then we will continue on much like before, and I will personally make sure you are kept safe... right up until the sacrifice, that is."

Elena looked up. "Oh, but Elijah, you're forgetting one thing..." She reached into her bag and plopped the magical dagger down on the table. "Now that we have the dagger we can use it to kill Klaus. So I don't have to die anymore, right?"

Elijah picked up the dagger and admired it. "I'm afraid that's not the case, Miss Gilbert. You see, the weapon is useless without the ash from an ancient white oak. And since your Salvatore friends already _wasted_ perhaps the world's last remaining ash to kill me... this is nothing more than an ordinary knife." He wiped the dagger on a napkin and used it to spread herb butter on a roll. "So our arrangement still _requires your grisly death_, Miss Gilbert." He bit into the roll ravenously.

"Oh." Elena's heart sank. "Well, as long as my family and friends are okay, I guess it's alright. I just hope it's a _quick_ and painless death..."

Elijah laughed. "Certainly not, Miss Gilbert! You see, the sacrifice calls for your pain and suffering as you slowly bleed to death. That's sort of what makes it _a sacrifice_, as opposed to a mercy-kill."

Elena exhaled deeply. "Well, I gotta do what I gotta do, I guess. Damon and Stefan are going to be _really pissed off_, though."

Elijah pointed his finger. "Make sure they don't cross me again, or I'll serve you _both_ of their hearts for breakfast."

Elena gulped. "Don't worry; I'll make sure they behave," Elena said.

"Then we have an agreement," Elijah said with a sigh. "Although, apart from the renegotiation... I must admit that I did have an ulterior motive in bringing you here, Miss Gilbert."

Elena shivered. "What's that?"

"Miss Gil... err, _Elena_..." Elijah reached out across the table and laid his hand on hers. "I want us to take our relationship to _the __next level_."

Elena stared at his hand on hers and nearly fell out of her chair. "Okay, I'm definitely getting some mixed signals here..." she babbled. "We have a _relationship_?"

"Well, you did kill me," Elijah said. "That was a fairly intimate moment, but I digress... Miss Gil... err, _Elena_... what I'm really trying to say is that I'd like you to leave Mystic Falls, and come stay with me."

Elena was breathless. "You... you mean... are you saying you want me to _move in_ with you?"

"Precisely," Elijah said. Elena was speechless."I know it's rather sudden, and you don't have to decide right this minute, but... I hope you'll consider it."

"I don't know what to say," Elena stammered. "This is a _huge_ step for us."

"Just think, it would make things so much easier for the protection of your friends and family," Elijah explained. "You see, Klaus' minions will soon be out looking for you in droves. They are a potential threat to everyone you know. But, if you no longer live in Mystic Falls, they'll have no reason to waste their time in that town. It would make things much safer and cleaner for everyone. And it would make it much easier for me to keep you safe... right up until your horribly bloody death at the hands of Klaus."

"I see." Elena nodded. "Where would we stay?"

"I have a little place in the country," he explained. "It's secure, remote, and quiet. It's a place where you could just... disappear. You'd be safe, and the heat would be taken off of your loved ones back home. But of course, the choice is yours."

Elena thought about it. "I appreciate the offer, but I just don't know right now. I think I'd really prefer to stay in Mystic Falls. I don't want to leave my family. Not right away, at least."

"Very well," Elijah said as his phone started ringing. "But do let me know if you change your mind." He excused himself and immediately put the phone to his ear, but never said a word. Within seconds, he stuffed the phone back into his pocket and stood up. "I'm terribly sorry, Miss Gilbert, but I have to leave."

Elena was shocked and disappointed. "What? _Right now_? In the middle of our dinner?"

"I'm afraid so," Elijah said. "Order anything you like; it's all paid for."

"I thought we could see a show later, or take a stroll through Central Park, or walk around the city..." Elena said, her voice quiet and melancholy.

"Perhaps another time. I do apologize," Elijah said curtly, and he abruptly walked away.

"Wait!" Elena called after him. "Don't I at least get a good night kiss? When will I see you again? _Elijah_?" She called but didn't get any answers. Depressed, Elena slumped back down into her seat, buried her face in her hands, and zoned out until she was startled out of it by the waiter returning with a dessert cart in tow.

"Is everything alright, Miss Gilbert?" the waiter asked.

"I'm gonna die," she moaned. "And my date just walked out on me."

"I'm very sorry," the waiter apologized. "Would you like dessert?"

Elena's eyes lit up upon peeking at the cart full of the most attractive and decadent desserts she'd ever seen. Then, in quiet resignation, she drowned her sorrows in chocolate liqueur, and stabbed her fork and knife into some of the finest confections the city had to offer. And suddenly, life didn't seem all that bad.


	7. Dancing With Myself

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 7: DANCING WITH MYSELF**

* * *

Elena was glad to finally set foot back in her own bedroom. The night had been a blur of private jet and limousine rides to and from New York City, and she was so tired that she didn't even bother to turn on the lights. Instead, she just shuffled through the dark room, kicked off her shoes, and collapsed into bed. And for a minute or two, she was at peace, until she rolled over and bumped into another person in her bed. Startled, Elena dashed to her dresser and switched on the lamp, and her jaw dropped when she made the disturbing discovery: _Katherine_, still in her club dress, carelessly sprawled out on her bed.

"What time is it?" Katherine asked groggily. She stirred and rubbed her eyes.

"_Get out of here!_" Elena shouted, backing up against her dresser in recoil. "All I have to do is call Damon and he'll rip your head off!"

"Oh, don't be such a whiny little bitch," Katherine yawned. "I'm on _Team Kill Klaus_ now, remember? I'm on your side."

"Get out!" Elena whined and pulled out her phone. "I'm calling Damon! My finger is on the button!"

Katherine let out a languid yawn, clearly unaffected by Elena's threats. "Notice you said you'd call _Damon_, not Stefan, twice now. Haven't you realized that _Damon_ is much more of a boyfriend to you?"

"_What the hell_ are you doing in my bed?" Elena demanded. "As if my day wasn't weird enough already!"

"I _was_ sleeping, until _you_ showed up with your loud mouth," Katherine said drolly.

"I can see that!" Elena scoffed. "Would you care to explain _why _you've taken up residence in_ my _bed?"

"Well," Katherine began, "after I took a shower I laid down and I guess I just drifted-"

"Hold on! You were in my _shower_ too?" Elena was appalled.

"The water pressure here sucks, by the way," Katherine added.

"I know, I know, it's weak. We need a plumber," Elena groaned. "But why exactly did you need to use _my shower_ in the first place?"

"Oh," Katherine said, stroking her own hair, "I just wanted to try your herbal shampoo. I think Stefan really likes the smell of it."

"_Everyone_ does!" Elena threw up her arms in frustration.

"It's nice," Katherine said. "So where do you buy it?"

"It's my own blend of herbal extracts and essential oils," Elena hurriedly explained.

"Oh, how _cute_," Katherine quipped. "Can I have the recipe?"

"No!" Elena shot back. "So _besides_ using my shower, and stealing my shampoo, and sleeping in my bed, is there a reason _why_ you're here?"

Katherine sat up on the edge of the bed. "I wanted to talk to you. I didn't expect you to keep me waiting _all night_," she said while looking over Elena's silver dress. "So where did you go, all sexed up like that?"

Elena leaned back against her dresser. "A date," she sighed. "I think. Maybe... I'm not sure."

Katherine put on a mischievous grin. "How was it?"

Elena buried her face in her hands. "_Confusing_!"

"So who did you go out with?" Katherine curiously prodded. "I know it wasn't Stefan. He's at home."

Elena glared at Katherine. "None of your business!"

Katherine's eyes bulged out. "Oh, wow... you're _cheating_ on Stefan!" She giggled. "I can't believe it! He's going to be _crushed!_ But don't worry... _I'll_ make him feel better."

"I _am_ _not_ cheating on Stefan!" Elena whined. "I told him all about it."

"Hey, I'm not judging you," Katherine said. "I already know you're a vampire groupie."

"_I am not_ a vampire groupie! That's just a stupid rumor!" Elena whined in frustration. "I can't help it if _every_ vampire I meet is attracted to me!"

"So are you telling me you went out with a _human_, then?" Katherine interrogated. Elena just folded her arms across her chest and glared. "I rest my case... _groupie_," Katherine teased.

* * *

"What the hell do you want, anyway?" Elena fired back bitterly. "I don't like you."

"I'm not exactly your biggest fan, either," Katherine snipped.

Elena rolled her eyes. "For the last time, _what do you want?_"

Katherine buried her face in hands and grumbled something inaudible.

"What?" Elena asked. "I can't hear you..."

Katherine exhaled deeply and looked up at the ceiling. "I can't get laid," she whimpered sadly.

Elena scoffed. "Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me!"

"I know, right!" Katherine sighed. "No one has _ever_ been able to resist me. But lately, I'm completely striking out. It's driving me _crazy!_"

Elena frowned. "And you're telling _me_ this... _why?_"

"I thought you could help me out... maybe give me some advice," Katherine said.

"Why me?" Elena shook her head. "I don't get it."

"Everyone knows you're a do-gooder," Katherine said. "Besides, you have both of the Salvatore brothers firmly wrapped around your pinky finger, and... well, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong."

Elena frowned. "I don't know, Katherine. Maybe they just aren't attracted to psychotic, nymphomaniac bitches anymore. Did you ever consider that?"

Katherine laughed. "Oh please, Elena! _All guys_ are attracted to psychotic, nymphomaniac bitches. I just seem to have lost my _mojo_. I think it happened while I was locked up in the tomb. I was so sure that Stefan and I were going to finally get it on, but as it turned out, we only did it in his dreams."

"Wait a minute! You and Stefan had _dream-sex_ in the tomb?" Elena asked angrily, clenching her fists.

Katherine's eyebrows lifted. "Are you mad?"

"No. Of course not," Elena lied; she _was_ mad, but remembering that she was about to die at the hands of Klaus soon, and the Salvatores would eventually have to move on with their lives, Elena softened a bit towards Katherine's plight.

Katherine sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know what's wrong with me, but _even Damon_ isn't going for it these days... and you know something is definitely _wrong_ when _Damon_ passes up sex! Am I right?"

Elena shrugged. "I wouldn't know."

"Oh wait," Katherine groaned, "_don't tell me_ you haven't jumped Damon's bones yet!"

Elena shook her head. "I haven't. The only bones I jump are Stefan's."

Katherine rolled her eyes. "Elena, Stefan's a virgin."

"What? No!" Elena gasped.

"Yes,_ he is_," Katherine said confidently.

Elena frowned. "You mean that you and Stefan... you didn't?"

"Nope," Katherine said. "I've been wanting to pop that cherry for almost a century and a half now. It's getting depressing."

Elena's jaw dropped. "But didn't you two? Back in 1864?"

"Nope," Katherine said. "I drank his blood, but he was so nervous and afraid, I had to _compel_ him to drink from me... that was just _sad_." She shook her head. "Poor Stefan. Sweet guy, but he's obviously got some deep-seated psychological issues. Now you know why I enjoy them _both_... they each serve certain needs. I mean, I love Stefan 'till the end of time... but it doesn't mean I want to give up riding Damon's-"

"But he had to have _other_ girlfriends over the years, right?" Elena interrupted.

"Nope," Katherine said. "I watched him through the years. It was pathetic, really."

"But what about Lexi?" Elena asked. "They must have... at some point..."

"Nope. They were nothing more than friends. He never had anything romantic with her... _ever_," Katherine said. "Those are his own words, in fact."

Elena buried her face in her hands, broke down, and sobbed. "Oh my God! It's all true! All the pieces fit! What a _loser!_ I'm dating a 162-year old virgin! Boy, do I sure know how to pick 'em! _My life can't get any worse!_"

"So you haven't made much progress either?" Katherine asked. "That's I relief. I was afraid it was just me."

Elena shook her head. "No! Every time we get into bed he makes up some excuse, or he locks himself in the bathroom for ten hours straight, until I eventually just give up and go away."

"Aw, cheer up," Katherine cooed. "All you need is a good lay and you'll be back on track. Talk to Damon; he'll do you right... I just wish he'd do _me_ right, too."

"I think that bridge is burned," Elena said. "Did you ever think that Damon might be _just a little bit_ upset about the whole 'you never loved him' thing, and how you would have let him die using that magic dagger on Elijah?"

"But I offered him make-up sex," Katherine whined. "He turned me down."

"I guess sometimes make-up sex just isn't enough," Elena said. "I think you might have trampled on his heart one too many times."

Katherine sighed. "Yeah, maybe you've got a point. But what about getting back into Stefan's good graces? I've tried just about everything. I was giving him a really hot lap dance earlier and he didn't even slip any bills into my bra."

"Wait! What lap dance?" Elena demanded.

Katherine patted the bed. "Come sit. I'll teach you."

Elena raised her hand in objection. "That's okay, really."

"So can you give me any advice for Stefan?" Katherine asked.

Elena shook her head in awestruck disbelief. "Let me get this straight: you want _me_ to give _you_ advice on how _you_ can seduce _my boyfriend, the immortal virgin_?" She chuckled nervously. "You're absolutely_ shameless_."

"_Our_ boyfriend, Elena," Katherine declared. "Stefan is _our boyfriend_. The truth is, he can't have _one of us_ without getting a bit of _both_. I just want my fair share, that's all."

"You don't want to share!" Elena fired back. "You want him all for yourself!"

"Well, duh!" Katherine mocked. "_Of course_ I want him all for myself! So are you going to help me, or not?"

"_No!_" Elena groaned.

"Come on! Please?" Katherine pleaded. "I'll give you some tips that'll really spice things up in the bedroom."

Elena decided to relent, because she figured it was the only way to get Katherine to leave any time soon. "I don't know... did you ever think that maybe you're _trying too hard?_"

Katherine pursed her lips. "That hadn't occurred to me... but what can I do about it?"

Elena shook her head. She couldn't believe she was actually helping_ Katherine_. "I don't know... be more subtle, don't be so... _dominant_ and aggressive. Let them come to you... maybe think about leaving town... like... _forever._"

* * *

Katherine nodded. "You know, that all sounds _so stupid, _it just might _work!_ Thanks Elena! Hey, can I borrow some of your clothes?"

"No. We're _not_ doing _that_ again," Elena rolled her eyes. "Are you about done here?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Katherine made her way to the door, but she stopped to admire Elena's vervain-filled locket necklace.

"What?" Elena asked.

Katherine touched the pendant and examined it. "I think this was _mine_..."

Elena frowned. "Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised. Stefan is weird like that." A mischievous smile crossed Katherine's face as she tugged the necklace right off Elena's neck and dangled it in the air. "Hey, give it back!" Elena whined.

"Relax; I'll give it back! I just want to borrow it for a little while," Katherine said soothingly.

"Give it back!" Elena grabbed at the air while Katherine dangled the necklace in a taunting fashion.

"You'll have to catch me first!" Katherine giggled as she bolted across the room. Elena chased her from corner to corner, but Katherine was far too quick. In one desperate attempt, Elena lunged, but Katherine easily tackled her to the bed. Elena gulped as they were nose to nose; she felt like she was staring right into the eyes of a tiger, as Katherine was a dangerous predator who was unpredictable and seemed to be more than a little bit _crazy_. Katherine brought her face uncomfortably close to Elena's; so close that their lips almost touched.

Elena jerked her head to the side. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Kissing you," Katherine said plainly.

"_Why?_" Elena fired back.

"I told you... I'm going to help you spice things up in the bedroom," Katherine said.

"I thought you meant by _talking_ about it_... _not_ making out with me_!" Elena objected.

"Impossible! This stuff just can't be communicated with _words_," Katherine said. "It's all about the experience. Your technique needs work, Elena. Lucky for you, I'm the best teacher you could hope for."

"My technique is _fine!_" Elena fired back.

"Then _show me_," Katherine purred. "You know what they say: a kiss is worth a thousand words..."

"I can't!" Elena protested. "It would be like kissing myself!"

Katherine sighed. "Elena, if you're not comfortable with _yourself_, you'll _never_ be comfortable with anyone else!"

"Well... that makes sense, but..." Elena stammered.

Katherine giggled. "Why are you so nervous? Haven't you ever kissed another girl before?"

"Well... no..." Elena stammered.

Katherine suddenly gave Elena a quick peck on the lips. "_There_," Katherine said. "_Now_ you've kissed a girl. See? It's no big deal."

"But that wasn't a _real_ kiss," Elena said, unwittingly stepping right into Katherine's trap.

"No... _but this is!_" Katherine smashed her lips against Elena's, despite all of her nervous protests and flailing arms. The kiss was firm and aggressive, yet with a tenderness to it, like one of those hard-shelled candies with the gooey center, or so Elena thought.

"_Whoa,_" Elena gasped.

"Lesson one," Katherine began, "What is the number one most underestimated part of the body when it comes to sex?"

"The mind?" Elena asked.

Katherine laughed. "Wrong! It's _the tongue_."

"Okay, good lesson, you can leave now," Elena stammered. She rolled out from under Katherine's grip and dashed across the room.

"I said I'd help you spice up your love life, and I intend to _make good_ on that promise," Katherine said suggestively.

Elena shook her head vehemently. "You know, I've decided I really _don't_ need any _spicing up_! I've got plenty of spice! All spiced up! Thanks anyway!" She backed away nervously, nearly bumping into the furnishings as Katherine stalked her in a predatory fashion.

"Oh, grow up, Elena," Katherine whined. "It doesn't _mean_ anything! It's just a little saliva exchange, that's all!"

Elena made a mad dash for her cell phone on top of the dresser. She pressed random buttons in a panicked frenzy as Katherine tackled her to the ground and planted kisses all over her neck and face. Elena desperately grasped at her phone: "_Damon! Help!_ _Katherine's trying to make out with me! Hello? Is anyone there?_ _Hello?_" She barely got the words out of her mouth before Katherine planted another tongue-twister of her own that left Elena breathless.

"Now, did you pay attention to what my tongue was doing?" Katherine asked. "It's _all_ about the tongue, Elena: the firmness, dampness, density, range, speed, velocity, acceleration, dexterity, direction, spin, latitude, longitude, exit strategy, timing... that's what makes it or breaks it. I just can't stress that enough. Here... let's try again."

"Are you _crazy?_" Elena panted nervously. "My door is open! Someone could walk in and _catch us! _How would I explain this one away?"

"Which brings us to lesson number two," Katherine went on. "The risk of getting caught always makes things_ much hotter. _Now you kiss me back. I want to make sure you've got it right."

Elena stumbled to her feet and backed nervously around the room. "That's okay! I think I get the idea!"

"You're such a _prude_," Katherine groaned. "Honestly, I have _no idea_ what the brothers see in you... oh wait, yes I do! They see _me!_" Suddenly and without warning, Katherine flung Elena onto the bed and pounced on top of her. "Lesson three," Katherine continued, "always get your prey into bed quickly. Very important step... _crucial_."

"Your _prey_?" Elena gasped in horror. "Is that what you call your lovers?"

Katherine shrugged. "Prey... victim... whatever turns you on. Which leads us right to lesson four: know how to _undress_ your prey effectively." She started to pull at Elena's dress.

"Whoa! What are you doing?" Elena objected.

"Elena, haven't you been _curious_ if we're really _one hundred percent_ identical? Well, I have," Katherine said.

"No! I haven't!" Elena gasped.

"Don't be afraid to rip fabric, either..." Katherine said, tugging at Elena's dress.

"This is a five hundred dollar dress!" Elena gasped.

"Then you'd better strip it off, before I rip it off," Katherine purred. "Just because it's your first time with a girl, doesn't mean I'm going to be _tender_, Elena. I'm going to _rock your world_. And just to give you fair warning... _I bite_."

"Oh my God..." Elena gasped.

"Face it, we're both in love with _Stefan, the immortal virgin_," Katherine offered. "We _both_ need this. It just makes sense for us to scratch the itch together."

"I can't!" Elena protested. "I mean, you might be the best kisser in the world, but... I'm sort of hung up on the fact that _you look just like me!_"

Katherine sighed. "Elena, if you don't know how to love yourself, no one else will love you back. Likewise, if you don't know how to _make_ love to yourself..."

"I'm sorry Katherine, but this is just _too_ weird for a plain jane girl next door like myself," Elena said.

Katherine sighed. "Elena, I've been around for over five hundred years! I've done _everything_. Doppelganger sex is one of the _last _avenues of kink that I have yet to explore. This is an absolutely unique opportunity for us _both_. So are you into it, or what?"

"Sorry," Elena said. "I mean, I'm flattered and all... I really am. No offense intended. But I just don't think I'm ready for... what was it that you called it?"

"Doppelganger sex?" Katherine asked.

"Yeah, that's it," Elena said.

Katherine sighed. "So you're rejecting me too," she said sadly. "I wish I could say I'm not hurt, Elena... but I can't." She sniffed. "I just can't!"

"I'm really sorry," Elena said with concern.

"I'm just so lonely, you know," Katherine sniffed. "I thought for sure _you_ would understand. If you can't count on your own doppelganger to help you through it, _who else_ can you count on?"

"I'm very sorry," Elena repeated. "I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"It's alright. I'll deal with it." Katherine got up, grabbed her bag off Elena's dresser and headed for the door, but stopped and turned back. "Hey Elena, since you're all dressed up with nowhere to go... do you want to go bar hopping with me?"

Elena shrugged. "I'm under age."

"I can get you in," Katherine said. "You know, a lot of guys are really into the whole twin sister fantasy, and I was thinking we could really have some fun..."

"Maybe next time," Elena said abruptly. "Right now, I just want to get some sleep."

"Fine! Be like that," Katherine said angrily. "But hear this: _if I don't get laid soon_, this town is going to start _raining blood_. _It's all on you, Elena._" She pointed her finger. "Sweet dreams!" And with that, Katherine was gone like a ghost in the night.

Elena breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed into her bed, taking solace in thinking that things _could not possibly get any stranger_.

If only she knew.


	8. Burning Love

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 8: BURNING LOVE**

* * *

Katherine left Elena's house in a huff. She was fed up with all of the rejection to the point of going crazy, or in her case, _even more_ crazy. She strolled the lonely streets after midnight, and in a last-minute attempt to find some companionship for the night, she hiked up her miniskirt an extra inch and went into Mystic Grill. Only moments after she entered, she heard a familiar voice calling, not for her, but for _Elena_. A mischievous smile crossed Katherine's face. She thought it was about time she had a little fun using her doppelganger's identity.

"Hey Elena!" Matt called out. He was cleaning up empty tables, wearing a dirty blue t-shirt with a white towel draped over his shoulder. Katherine drank up the sight of him and approached.

"Matt!" Katherine purred, twirling her hair. "What's going on?"

"Working late," he said while wiping down a table. His eyes scanned down Katherine's body from head to toe and he fought back a chuckle. "So, why are you dressed like a hooker?"

Katherine resisted the urge to beat him into a bloody pulp and managed to stay in character. "Um... I was at a costume party," she said.

Matt smirked. "Where's Stefan tonight?"

"At home brooding because he doesn't know what's good for him," Katherine hissed. She popped and snapped her pink bubblegum against her cherry lips. "So Matt, do you get off soon?"

Matt cringed. "Huh?"

"When do you finish your shift?" Katherine asked.

"Oh, not for another half hour or so," Matt said.

"Can't you take a break?" Katherine huffed in frustration.

Matt smiled. "Why, what's up?"

"I just need your help with something," Katherine said. "It's _extremely_ urgent. Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes?"

"Okay," Matt said. "I will."

* * *

Katherine marched to the back of the grill, made sure the bathroom was empty, and waited for her prey to show up. Like clockwork, Matt walked in exactly five minutes later. He barely had a foot through the door when Katherine pounced, pinned him to the wall, and assaulted his mouth hungrily.

Matt gasped. "Elena! Are you crazy?"

"Crazy about you," Katherine panted, kissing him relentlessly in spite of his struggle.

Matt fought hard to break free from her hungry mouth. "What's gotten into you? Someone could walk in on us!"

"Even _better_," Katherine purred. "Kiss me."

Matt objected. "But... Caroline..."

Katherine silenced him with a finger to his lips. "..._will never find out_," she finished.

Matt shook his head. "What's gotten into you, Elena? You're acting so weird lately. We're all worried about you," he said. "I think it would be best for both of us if we just forget this ever happened... I'm gonna get back to work." He turned to leave, but she jumped in front of the door.

Katherine sighed. "Look, Matt, I'm just going to be blunt here: I have certain needs. And right now what I really need is some hot, uninhibited, no-strings-attached and no-questions-asked kind of sex... and I think you might be the right man for the job."

"Um..." Matt stared blankly.

"Are you in, or what?" Katherine prodded impatiently.

"Elena, are you on drugs?" Matt questioned. "Or is this some kind of a joke?"

Katherine answered by grabbing his crotch with authority. "Does it look like I'm joking?" she hissed. "Well? How about it, blue eyes?"

Matt shook his head. "Sorry, Elena... but this is just _too weird_."

"You small town people... so _puritanical!_ What a waste!" Katherine fumed in frustration. She was _done_ playing the _girl next door_ type; if she was going to get some action tonight, she would have to reach out and _take it_.

"Alright, blue eyes, here's how this is going to work," Katherine compelled him. "You're so hot for me, you can't control yourself. First we're going to make out like our lives depend on it, and then you're going to bend me over that sink and screw me senseless until I say I've had enough. And then I'm going to drink your blood!" She giggled. "And depending on my mood, I might leave you with _just enough_ _to_ _stay alive_ so that we can do it again sometime. Do you understand?"

"I understand," Matt responded in a robotic drone.

In seconds, they were locked up an a lusty embrace and a whirlwind of a make-out session. Katherine was enthralled, so much that she barely paid attention to the annoying sound of her ringing phone. She ignored it at first, but the phone just kept on ringing incessantly, until she finally gave in and answered the call while Matt was busy working over her neck.

"_What?_" she answered angrily.

"Get over here, _now_," Damon ordered. His tone was deeply serious.

"What? _Right now_?" Katherine panted, out of breath. "I'm kind of _busy _here!" She kissed Matt and nibbled at his lip.

"_Now_," Damon demanded.

Katherine moaned. "Can't it wait twenty minutes? What's the big deal?"

"_No_," Damon said. "Stefan and I need you here _immediately_."

At the mention of Stefan, Katherine suddenly and aggressively pushed Matt away. "Wait! _Stefan_ wants me there?" she asked.

"Yeah... _I guess _you could say that," Damon groaned.

Katherine touched her fingers to her lips in awe. "Oh my God! What did he say? _Tell me his exact words!_"

"He said 'where's Katherine?'," Damon replied.

Upon hearing that, Katherine became as giddy as a schoolgirl. "Okay! I'll be right there! Tell Stefan I'm on my way!" She dropped her phone into her bag and said her goodbyes to Matt. "Sorry about the blue balls, blue eyes... maybe another time." With a pat on the shoulder, she left Matt alone, aroused, and completely _confused_.

* * *

Damon and Stefan were waiting in the foyer when Katherine got back to the boarding house. The brothers looked distressed.

Katherine took a seat with Stefan and casually cozied up next to him. "So what's up?" she asked.

Damon rolled up his sleeves, took a glass of bourbon in hand, and paced around in front of the fireplace. "We have a little problem," he began. "And by _little_, I mean _huge.._. as in, _massive_, _worldwide crisis_." He took a drink. "Elijah's body is gone."

Katherine frowned. "He's gone?"

"He's _gone! Vanished! Disappeared!_" Damon repeated. "I went down there for one last stress-busting flamethrower session before bed, only to find that h_e's gone._"

Katherine groaned. "So that's it? You guys interrupted my booty call for this? _Who cares?_"

Damon shrugged. "Hey, just thought I'd give you fair warning before he comes back here and kills us all in our sleep!"

Katherine sighed. "Damon, I know Elijah. Trust me when I say that if he was _really_ set on revenge, we'd already be dead by now."

"Oh, please!" Damon whined.

"Actually, Damon, she's got a point," Stefan said.

"Aw, you're so cute when you're _not _pretending to hate me," Katherine playfully told Stefan. He turned away sheepishly.

"But still, if Elijah really is alive again... it doesn't bode well for us," Stefan said.

"I like that word: _bode_. I like the way it sounds," Katherine said. "Good one, Stefan."

Stefan chuckled.

"The question is, what are we going to _do_ about it?" Damon asked. "We need to keep our eyes on Elena. Elijah might try some kidnapping stunt, or who knows what..."

"Quit whining! Elena's _fine_. I was just at her house," Katherine said casually. "If Elijah _wanted_ to take her, she'd already be gone!"

"You went to _Elena's?_" Stefan asked. She nodded.

"What were you doing there?" Damon asked.

Katherine twirled her hair. "Just girl talk," she said. "Nothing kinky, I swear." The brothers shot each other confused glances.

"Okay, so back to the Elijah problem," Damon said. "Normally I'd say let's just go kill him again, but we don't have the magic dagger anymore and we're fresh out of that impossible-to-get billion-year-old white oak ash. So in other words, _we're screwed_."

"I _wish_ I was screwed," Katherine sighed. "So very badly..."

"So what else could we do?" Stefan asked Damon.

"You can do _me_," Katherine said. "That's an open invitation. You guys know where my room is. My door is open all night, every night."

"First thing..." Damon continued, "let's find out where Elijah is. If he's alive, and _he probably is_, he's bound to make his presence known to Elena. We'll have to figure out his new game plan and anticipate his next move."

"Sounds like a plan," Stefan said.

"Great!" Katherine said, running to the door. "I'm going back to the grill. Wanna come, Stefan?"

"Nope," Stefan said.

"Fine!" Katherine huffed.

"Katherine?" Stefan called. "Don't _kill_ anyone tonight, okay?"

"Aw, come on Stefan!" she whined. "A girl's gotta have her fun!"

"Please?" Stefan asked.

Katherine groaned. "When you give me that sad puppy dog look, you know I can't say no... okay, I'll try my best _not_ to kill anyone."

"Thank you," Stefan said.

"I hope Matt's still working his shift... so he can start working _my shift_," Katherine muttered as she stomped out of the house.

"What's _her_ problem?" Damon asked.

Stefan shrugged. "_Women_, right?"

* * *

The next morning, Elena woke up and held an impromptu meeting with Jonas while she brushed her teeth.

"So, what happened last night?" Jonas asked, eager to get the latest scoop. "Did you renegotiate with Elijah?"

"Yup," Elena said. "We've got a deal. But..."

"But what?" Jonas prodded.

"Well... I _still_ don't know if it was a date or not!" Elena whined.

"Oh _please_," Jonas moaned. "What else happened?"

"Elijah asked me to move in with him," Elena said.

"Holy crap! This is _huge!_" Jonas crooned. "So when are you leaving?"

"I'm not," Elena said. "I turned him down."

Jonas slapped his own forehead in disbelief. "_You turned him down_? Have you lost your mind? _Nobody_ turns down Elijah!"

Elena frowned. "I thought he was being too forward," she said, spitting out her mouthwash. "I mean we've only gone out _one time_ and I'm still not even sure if it was a date or not. On top of that, he got called away on business and he ditched me! So _excuse me_ if I'm not in the best of moods right now!"

Jonas groaned. "Elena, don't be so childish. Elijah is an _extremely busy_ man... you have to understand that he wouldn't leave unless it were of the utmost importance."

"Oh, yeah... _more_ important than _me!_" Elena moaned. "How do you think that makes _me_ feel? I mean, I'm the human doppelganger! I'm the_ sacrifice!_ I'm his ticket to the seat of power! I should be _the number one most important_ _person_ in his life right now! But I'm just not feeling that, Jonas. I just can't figure him out."

"Look, I'm sure he'll make it up to you," Jonas said. "Just give him time."

"I don't know, Jonas," Elena shook her head.

"Anyway, are you going to get the grimoire?" Jonas asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to do it right now," Elena said. "Which book is it again?"

"_Liber 72_," he said. "It might be tough to find. You'll have to look around for it. There are lots of books, and my whole apartment is kind of a pig sty. It's in there some place."

* * *

Elena arrived at the run-down old brick building where Jonas and Luka spent their last days on earth. Judging by the overall crumminess of the building, she was not surprised to find that the elevator was out of order. She pinched her nose the entire way up the stairs on account of the rank odor, like dead fish and rotten eggs, that permeated the stairwell.

Upon reaching the third floor, Elena went straight to Jonas' apartment and felt around above the door frame until her fingers made contact with the spare key which was taped in place and hidden. Elena noticed that the metal doorknob was warm to the touch, but she didn't make anything of it until she finally swung the door open and discovered the reason: Jonas' apartment was on fire. The place looked trashed: bookcases were tipped over, furniture was thrown about, and the many ancient manuscripts and spell books were burning incredibly fast.

As the orange flames danced in Elena's eyes, she began to panic. There were only two options: she could run away, call the fire department, and wait for them to handle it, by which time the grimoire would likely be destroyed; or, she could run into the burning apartment herself and risk her own life, hoping to save the grimoire. Elena took a deep breath and chose the latter, and summoning all of her courage (or foolishness, depending on one's perspective), she covered her mouth and nose with her forearm and charged headfirst, straight into the inferno.

With her eyes tearing up from the smoke and her vision blurred, she frantically searched for the grimoire, tearing through the many piles of burning books. The problem was that the apartment contained _more books_ than some small libraries, and they were scattered in odd places in _every_ room. Elena gasped for air, choked, and drew the thick smoke into her lungs, and never once did she stop to consider that she was _risking her life_ for _some dead guy_ who she _barely knew_ and who _wasn't even her friend_ in life. Instead, she pressed forward and searched Jonas' bedroom, frantically digging through yet another stack of books, until her little lungs couldn't take it anymore, and she collapsed to the floor, where at least there was a clearing of clean air beneath all of the smoke. And that's when she found the grimoire, about four feet in front of her on the floor. She crawled towards it and wrapped her arms around the great tome, which was miraculously only partially scorched. With a final burst of energy, she made a run back to the door, but to her horror, the burning boards from the rafters had fallen and sealed off her escape. She ran back to the bedroom in attempt to get to the fire escape, but the window was stuck and wouldn't budge. Realizing that she was now trapped in the burning apartment, she went into a panic, and in addition to the smoke inhalation and heat exhaustion, she fainted.

The next thing Elena remembered was being carried out of the burning building. She breathed the fresh air greedily and opened her eyes to see her savior.

"Elijah!" she choked on his name. "You saved me!"

"I'm a man of my word, Miss Gilbert. I agreed to keep you safe, and I will," Elijah said. "Are you alright?" He brought her to her car and sat her on the back bumper while she caught her breath.

Elena nodded. Once she got some fresh air in her lungs, she felt much better. "I think I'll be fine."

Elijah looked up at the smoke billowing out from the building's third floor windows. In the distance, fire truck sirens were heard approaching. He shook his head sadly. "All of those books... all of that ancient knowledge, lost forever."

"The apartment looked like it was ransacked," Elena said. "You think someone might have done this deliberately?"

Elijah nodded. "Absolutely. And I know who."

"_Klaus_," Elena said knowingly.

Elijah nodded. "For centuries now, Klaus and his inner circle have been destroying ancient manuscripts, grimoires, and such."

"But why?" Elena asked. "You'd think he would want them for himself. Knowledge is power."

"That's correct, Miss Gilbert. Knowledge is power," Elijah said. "But Klaus _already has_ all of the knowledge he needs. He just doesn't want to share it with anyone else."

"Well, at least I saved the grimoire that Jonas needs," Elena said.

"Yes, you did. But that's not the only thing that was saved," Elijah said with a smile. "For you, Miss Gilbert..." He reached into his suit jacket pocket and pulled out a small hairbrush, it's handle warped and slightly melted from the fire.

Elena accepted the brush and tears began to well up in her eyes. "My favorite hairbrush!" she happily crooned. "You found it! Oh Elijah, I don't know what to say!" She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes. "You really do _care!_ You really care about me! This is the nicest thing..." But by the time Elena looked up, Elijah had disappeared.

With the fire trucks pulling up the scene, and the suspicion of arson, Elena didn't want to hang around, so she threw her hairbrush and the grimoire into the car and hightailed out of there.

* * *

Elena raced home, eager to tell Jonas how she risked her ass in his deathtrap apartment for the stupid grimoire. He would have to owe her a _huge_ favor for this one. But when Elena pulled up into the driveway, another wave of anxiety rushed over her. A police car was parked in front of her house, and two male officers stood at the front door. Elena's thoughts immediately went to Jeremy. _Something_ must have happened, and it probably wasn't _good_. The two officers approached her as soon as she stepped out of her car.

"Elena Gilbert?" one officer asked.

"Yes; I'm Elena Gilbert," she said. "What's this all about?"

"You're under arrest," the officer said. "Cuff her, Lou."

"What do you mean?" Elena shouted in protest. "I didn't do anything!"

"Read her rights, Lou..."

Elena was in shock. Within moments, she was being taken away in handcuffs and ushered into the back of the squad car.


	9. Karma Police

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 9: KARMA POLICE**

* * *

Before she even realized what was going on, Elena was handcuffed and hustled into the back of the police car. She had never been in any trouble in her entire life, and certainly never been _arrested _before, so it was all very shocking when she found herself being hauled away to the police station.

"I didn't do anything!" Elena shouted from the back seat.

"Just settle down back there," one officer said.

"Look, the place was already on fire when I got there! I was just getting a book! I swear" Elena protested.

The officer riding the passenger seat turned around. "What fire?"

"Um... never mind," Elena said. "Wait... so what are you arresting me for?"

"Resisting arrest..." the officer began.

"_Resisting_ arrest?" Elena fired back.

"That's right," the officer said. "You're under arrest for resisting arrest."

"But I didn't _resist!_ I came along peacefully!" Elena shouted. "This makes no sense! This is absolutely _insane!_ I'm living in the Twilight Zone here!"

"No, not today," the officer said. "_Last night_, you evaded arrest... you're in a heap of trouble, young lady."

That was all it took for the truth to finally hit Elena like a ton of bricks. "Oh, no! Wait! You've got the wrong person! It wasn't _me!_ It was my deranged doppelganger! _She_ did it! She _set me up!_ She's _crazy!_"

The officer laughed. "Yeah right, lady. We hear all kinds of stories, but that's a funny one, though."

"No! It really was my doppelganger! I swear!" Elena shouted. "This is madness! I'm losing it! I'm gonna scream!"

"I think we might need to put her in a straight jacket, Lou," the officer said.

* * *

Damon spent most of his morning in the kitchen, cleaning up the horrible mess that Katherine had made the night prior. Whenever Katherine got drunk, she'd always come up with bizarre food concoctions that no one in their right mind would ever want to eat, like her famous chocolate fudge omelet. He was happily feeding Katherine's abhorrent creations to the garbage disposal when a call came in from the police station. Thinking that it was Liz Forbes calling, Damon was both surprised and amused to hear Elena on the line, shouting her head off and talking so fast that he could barely understand any of it. She seemed to be raving on with a string of nonsensical ramblings and yelling, punctuated by a handful of words that were intelligible:

"_Damon!_... arrested... outside... police... handcuffs... oh my God!... grimoire... in the fire... this_ lunatic_... _drunk?_ police? What a bitch!... Katherine! Katherine!... never again... _psycho!_... set me up... deeply disturbed... _mental case_... _evil whore!_ Now... criminal record... that _slut_... oh my God!... pick me up... station... _Katherine!_"

After much encouragement from Damon, Elena began to calm down and make more sense. She calmly told him that she got arrested, and Damon laughed. Then she yelled at him for laughing at her, which only made him laugh more. Then he realized that it _wasn't_ all a joke and she was actually being _serious_. "Alright, alright, alright," Damon placated her, "Just try to relax. I'll be right there."

Damon pocketed his phone and ran upstairs. Stefan's bedroom door was closed and Damon could quite clearly hear a female voice giggling inside, so he did what he usually did in that situation - he barged in, without knocking first.

"Stefan, _what the hell_?" Damon shouted upon seeing his brother and Katherine in bed, frolicking under the sheets.

"Damon! Get out of here!" Katherine shouted.

"You ever consider _knocking_ first?" Stefan admonished.

"What are you doing?" Damon fired back.

"Isn't it obvious? Elena and I _were_ having an intimate moment here, before you barged in," Stefan said.

Damon rolled his eyes. "That's _not_ Elena. That's _Katherine_, you idiot!"

"Damon, _please!_ Give us a little privacy!" Katherine shouted and chucked a pillow at him.

Stefan scoffed. "What are you saying? That I can't tell Elena and Katherine apart?"

"Yes," Damon fired back. "That's _exactly_ what I'm saying."

"You're crazy! This is _Elena_," Stefan said confidently. "I can smell her hebal shampoo from a mile away!"

Katherine grinned. "Yeah Damon, cut it out."

"_That's_ Katherine!" Damon said, pointing his finger. "_Elena_ is at the police station. She just called me. She got arrested."

"_Elena_ got arrested?" Katherine blurted out. "I mean... um... I got arrested? No, wait a minute..."

Stefan's jaw dropped.

"The jig is up, Katherine," Damon whined. "Just tell us what you did last night that landed Elena in jail."

Katherine sighed. "Well, I went to the grill. And you know, once I get a few rounds of tequila shots in me, the clothes start coming off. Next thing I know, I'm being chased by cops."

Damon scoffed. "Why didn't you just compel them?"

"I don't know! I was drunk, okay? Give me a break," Katherine whined. "Stefan, are we gonna have sex or what?"

"Unbelievable!" Damon sighed. "Alright, I'm going to get Elena. You two..."

"What?" Stefan asked.

"Put some clothes on. We need to have a big family meeting when I get back," Damon said, and he got the hell out of there as fast as he could.

"Well, that was awkward," Stefan said in a daze, and he rolled out of bed and left the room.

"Wait!" Katherine shouted. "Can't we finish what we've started? No sense in stopping halfway, right? Please? Stefan? _Stefan!_ Don't leave!"

* * *

Damon walked into the police station with a brisk pace. Elena was waiting there, sprawled out on a wooden chair, her head tilted back, staring at door, watching everyone who entered. She let out a sigh of relief to see Damon.

"What's the deal?" Damon asked.

"Talk to the sheriff," Elena said, completely nonplussed.

At least they hadn't locked her up, Damon thought. Sheriff Forbes was shuffling papers behind the counter, and Damon wasted no time in approaching her.

"You're here to pick up Elena?" Liz asked.

"Yeah, are you releasing her?" Damon asked.

"You'll have to sign these," Liz said, sliding several documents across the counter. Damon didn't hesitate, and he signed the paperwork.

"So what did she do?" Damon asked in a hushed voice.

"Let's see..." Liz began. "Drunk and disorderly..." Elena frowned.

"Lewd and lascivious conduct..." Liz continued. Damon resisted the powerful urge to laugh. Elena's face turned bright red.

"Propositioning an on-duty officer for sex..." Liz continued. Elena groaned and buried her face in her hands.

"And resisting arrest," Liz concluded.

"Is that all?" Damon asked.

"There will be a fine," Liz said.

"I'll pay for it, whatever it is," Damon said. "Is she free to go?"

"Just sign here, and you can take her," Liz said. Damon gladly signed the last paper and he and Elena got the hell out of there.

* * *

"Thanks for picking me up," Elena said as they walked through the parking lot. "Why didn't Stefan come, too?"

"He was in bed with..." Damon caught himself.

"With?" Elena asked.

"With... a headache," Damon said. "A real _bitch_ of a headache."

Elena jumped into Damon's Camaro convertible, not bothering to open the door, and they were soon peeling down the road with the wind in their hair.

"I feel like I'm gonna die of_ embarrassment_..." Elena grumbled.

"So... lewd and lascivious conduct, huh?" Damon teased. Elena was still very visibly pissed off, and he just couldn't help himself but rub it in a little.

"Shut up, Damon!" Elena snipped. She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. "It wasn't me. It was Katherine. She's horny and homicidal."

"You think I haven't figured that out by now?" Damon groaned.

Elena pouted. "Well, are you going to _do something_ about it?" she asked.

Damon frowned. "Hell no! Katherine's not getting _dick_... literally _or_ figuratively."

"That's _not_ what I meant," Elena moaned. "Can't you kick her out or something?"

"Not really," Damon said, "She's been keeping Stefan out of my hair, which is very refreshing. Besides, we might need her to swap places with you again."

"Well, she did a little _swap_ of her own last night! I'm _so pissed_, you have no idea," Elena vented. "I have a_ record_ now, thanks to Katherine. How am I supposed to get into any colleges after this?" She shook her head.

"Aw, they don't care about that kind of stuff! Public nudity stuff might actually _help_ you get into a few colleges I know of," Damon said, laughing.

"Just _shut up_, Damon!" Elena whined. "Sorry," she quickly apologized. "I mean why should I even care about college anyway? I'm not going to be..."

Damon suddenly turned the car off the road, tires screeching, brought it to a stop under the shade of some pine trees, and shut off the engine.

Elena was confused. "Why are we stopping?"

Damon turned towards her with a serious look on his face. "Alright Elena, it's about time you tell me just _what the hell_ is going on."

"What?" she whined.

"Elijah's body is gone," Damon said. "And I think you know something about it."

Elena closed her eyes and exhaled. "Damon..."

Damon threw his head back and shouted. "Aw, I _knew_ it! _Damn it_, Elena!"

"What? I didn't even say anything!" Elena whined.

"You don't have to! It's written all over your face! It was _you!_ _You_ took the dagger out, didn't you?" Damon persisted.

Elena sighed. "Yes... I did it."

Damon punched the steering wheel so hard that the car horn went off. "Are you _kidding me?_ You're back with _Elijah?_" he fumed. "Elena, _what do you see_ in this guy? What does _he_ have that Stefan and I can't give you?"

"Elijah is the only one with a solid plan to kill Klaus," Elena said. "I just don't want you and Stefan getting killed trying to defend me."

"_Damn it_, Elena! Why would you do something so stupid? You're putting your trust in someone you don't even know! You're back on the suicide mission, aren't you?"

Elena sighed. "Yes... but it's not as bad as it sounds."

Damon scoffed. "It means you're going to die, right?"

"Well, yeah. Painfully and slowly," Elena said. "That's part of the deal."

Damon groaned. "I _can't believe_ we're doing this all over again..."

"Look, Damon..." Elena sighed. "The past twenty-four hours have been like a completely crazy roller coaster ride. I promise I'll explain it all to you and Stefan later, but right now can you please just take me home?"

"Fine," Damon huffed. He started the car and they hit the road again. "But I still think you're bat shit crazy."

"So does everyone else," Elena sighed.

* * *

When they arrived back at the Gilbert house, Elena jumped out of the car and thanked Damon again for picking her up at the police station. Before going inside, she went into her own car to get her melted hairbrush and the stupid grimoire for Jonas.

Elena entered the house and was pleasantly surprised to see Matt who was waiting for her. But she barely had both feet past the threshold when Matt lunged at her and kissed her deeply. She was so shocked that she dropped both her hairbrush and the grimoire and had to struggle to break free.

Elena was frantic. "_Matt?_ What the hell are you doing?"

Matt had a foggy look in his eyes. "Ever since last night at the grill, I just can't get you out of my mind, Elena..." He kissed her again, but she broke free and started backing up the stairs nervously, while he followed her up.

"Okay, everyone needs to stop kissing me!" Elena shouted. "Matt, listen to me..."

Matt stepped towards her. "Elena, I don't know why but... I'm just so hotly attracted to you right now."

Elena backed away nervously. "Listen to me, Matt! _That wasn't me_ at the grill last night! I um... _I wasn't myself_. Okay? I just wasn't myself."

Matt frowned. "So what are you saying? You're going schizoid now?"

For lack of a better answer, Elena agreed. "Yup. I think I'm going schizoid. I probably should seek help, but oh well. I think it would be the best thing for both of us if you go home now, Matt."

"I can't help it... I still want you," Matt said. Elena made a mad dash upstairs and she barricaded herself in her bedroom.

Matt pounded on the door. "Elena! Please! Open up! Elena!"

Elena just sank down to the floor and stayed quiet. After about an hour of Matt knocking and trying to convince her to let him in, he finally gave up and left.

* * *

With yet another awkward sexual situation averted, Elena brought the stupid grimoire into her bathroom, ready to give Jonas hell for all the crap she had been through getting the thing. She slammed the grimoire down on the sink. "Here's your stupid grimoire that I risked my ass saving in your deathtrap of an apartment!"

"What took you so long?" Jonas complained.

"What took me _so long?_" Elena took a huge breath and then let fly a raging, rolling, continuous tirade: "Your crappy apartment _burned_ to the ground and I had to run into the _blazing inferno_ like an _insane person_ with a _death wish_ heading into the _most disorganized_ collection of books I've ever seen in my life while my lungs filled with _hot air and smoke_ and I couldn't _breathe_ and I _collapsed_ before I even found the stupid thing and I might have died if it wasn't for Elijah pulling me out of the flames! Oh, and then when I got home, I got _arrested_ for public indecency and _lewd behavior _courtesy of my _deranged nymphomaniac doppelganger!_"

"Wait! It burned?" Jonas slapped his own forehead. "_Great Bonzo's ghost, man!_ All of my books! My precious books, lost! _Centuries_ worth of rare occult knowledge destroyed! How did this happen?"

"Elijah suspects arson," Elena said. "He thinks Klaus is behind it."

"Damn it!" Jonas punched the air. "Well, at least you saved the one that matters the most."

"Here it is," Elena slapped the huge book and a cloud of dust rose from it. "_Liber 27_, just like you wanted."

Jonas blinked repeatedly. "What did you just say?"

"I said, _Liber 27_, just like you wanted," Elena repeated.

Jonas instantly flew into a raving tantrum. "_Holy mother of Zoso, Batman! You got the wrong grimoire! You stupid, stupid idiot! _I told you it was_ Liber 72 _at least _a dozen times! 72! Not 27! _You saved _the wrong book! _And now the one I need is_ destroyed? _This is a_ disaster! I knew _you would blow it!"

"Fine!" Elena huffed. "I'm not good enough for you? _Go haunt someone else's bathroom mirror!_ I'm _done_ with you, Jonas! And if I see you in here again, I swear I'll _shatter_ this mirror!" She stormed out of the bathroom, in spite of Jonas' attempts to call her back.

* * *

Elena ran downstairs and crashed on the living room sofa. After a few hours of unwinding by watching television, she fell asleep. When she woke up, Jeremy was by her side.

"Hey sleepy head, you finally awake?" Jeremy asked.

Elena yawned and stirred on the sofa. "What time is it?"

"Almost six," Jeremy said. "Why are you so tired?"

"Rough day. Don't want to talk about it," Elena groaned.

"Does it have to do with the email?" Jeremy asked.

Elena frowned. "What email?"

Jeremy groaned apprehensively. "Oh... so you haven't seen it yet..."

Elena sat up, her back rigid with anxiety. "Seen what? What is it?"

"Oh boy," Jeremy groaned. "You'd better just have a look for yourself. But don't freak out, okay?"

A surge of panicked energy coursed through Elena's body as she raced up the stairs to her computer. She just couldn't believe what she found in her inbox. Actually, she _did_ believe it. She was just completely_ horrified_ by it. There was an anonymous email which was addressed to hundreds of students at Mystic Falls High School. The email contained a curious link. As soon as Elena clicked the link and saw what popped up on screen, her jaw clenched, her face turned bright red, and she lost all feeling in her fingertips.

There, on her computer screen, was video footage of Katherine at the grill, dancing and stripping on top of a pool table. Someone had obviously filmed the scene and was circulating it among the students and the rest of the world via the internet. The video, titled "Elena Gilbert Strip Tease" was already going viral and racking up thousands of hits.

That was the last straw. Elena freaked out, bashed her keyboard with her fist, and shouted a string of profanities at the top of her lungs. She was _livid_, and practically foaming at the mouth with anger like a rabid dog. She grabbed a wooden stake and her car keys and charged out of the house, ignoring Jeremy's attempts to calm her down. Within moments, her car was screeching down the road, headed to the boarding house.


	10. Celebrity Skin

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 10: CELEBRITY SKIN**

* * *

Elena jumped in her car and raced to the boarding house. She broke most of the speed limits on the way, which was very foolish, considering she had already been arrested once that day. Upon arriving at the house, she chugged a few energy drinks, grabbed the wooden stake, and charged inside. Katherine had gone too far this time, and Elena's boiling anger fired her up for a confrontation. Elena felt confident that the brothers would have her back once things started to heat up.

Damon was alone in the foyer when he saw Elena charge through the door with anger on her face and brandishing the large stake. Damon anticipated what she was up to, and he immediately got in front of her and blocked her path.

"Whoa, Elena. Where are you going _with that?_" Damon asked, eyeing the stake.

"I'm gonna kill Katherine," Elena growled with a clenched jaw.

Damon held her back. "Oh, no... give me the stake, Elena."

"_Where is she_, Damon?" Elena fumed.

"Elena, don't be _stupid!_" Damon jabbed. "You're _not_ going up against a crazy five hundred year old vampire with a little toy like that! She'll _slaughter_ you!"

"Let me go!" Elena shouted.

"No! Give me the stake, Elena!" Damon made a quick grab and quite easily disarmed her.

Elena huffed and threw her fists at him in a temper tantrum. "Let go of me, Damon! Let go of me! Let go of me!" Elena threw her fit and Damon just stood there and took it. There was no way he would let her do something so foolish as to attack Katherine.

"Are you done?" he asked, once she had cooled off.

"Alright, I'm calm," Elena said, taking a deep breath. "I just want to talk to Stefan. Is he home?"

"He's in his room," Damon said. Elena made a grab for the stake but Damon jerked it back. "No weapons."

Elena went upstairs. As she approached Stefan's bedroom, she thought she heard a squeaking sound. Then she heard moaning. It was Stefan's voice. Elena got closer to his door and listened. She could hear a rhythmic thumping sound accompanied by Stefan moaning: "Oh God, Katherine! Don't stop! You're _incredible!_"

Elena was aghast. She heard more thumping and Katherine talking in a sultry voice: "_You like that_, don't you? Tell me how much _you want it._"

"Oh Katherine," Stefan moaned. "No one has _ever_ been able to satisfy me the way you do..."

Elena had heard enough. On a scale of one to ten, her anger just went to _eleven_. She really wished she still had that stake with her, but she burst into the room anyway just to catch Stefan in the act.

"A ha!" Elena shouted. But the scene wasn't exactly what she thought it would be. Stefan was stretched out, face down on his bed. His shirt was on the floor, while Katherine, dressed only in a red silk kimono, straddled his back and was working him over pretty good with her hands. "_Stefan_, what the hell?" Elena shouted.

"Oh great, here comes Captain Buzzkill to ruin the mood again," Katherine groaned.

"Woah, Elena!" Stefan shouted, jumping up from the bed. "It's not what it looks like!"

"No Elena, it's _exactly_ what it looks like!" Katherine giggled.

"It's just a massage, that's all," Stefan pleaded with Elena.

"I can see that! Why is _she_ giving you a massage?" Elena blasted.

"Come on, Elena, you know about my rotary cuff injury," Stefan said.

"_What_ rotary cuff injury? You're a _vampire_, for crying out loud! You're supposed to have super human healing!" Elena blasted.

"Elena, Katherine is a fully licensed massage therapist," Stefan said. "She's a professional. Her hands really work magic."

"I don't care! I don't want _her magic hands_ all over you!" Elena shouted.

"Elena, it's critical that I stay in top physical condition, so I can protect you!" Stefan whined. "I'm doing all of this _for_ _you_!"

"Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining, Stefan!" Elena shouted.

"You know Katherine's helping out around here now. Why can't you be more supportive?" Stefan pleaded.

Elena scoffed. "She's _helping_ all right! _Helping herself_ to get into your pants! Stefan, I want her _gone!_ Right this very minute!"

"If you want a turn, Elena, just ask," Katherine said. "But you'll have to wait for me to finish with Stefan."

"No, I _don't_ want a turn!" Elena groaned.

"Really? You look very tense right now," Katherine said. "I can help you relax."

"Stefan, do you even know what she did to me today?" Elena ranted. "She got me _arrested_ for _lewd and lascivious_ behavior, and I spent half the day in jail! Then I got home and found out that her _strip tease video_ is all over the internet _with my name on it!_ Every single guy at school wants to be my friend on Facebook, and I'm getting invited to frat parties at Duke!"

"Hey, look at you, you're a celebrity now! You go, girl," Katherine said.

"I don't want to be _that kind_ of popular!" Elena blasted. "Stefan, she's turning me into the Courtney Love of this town! What are you going to do about it?"

Stefan groaned and rubbed his forehead.

"Look Elena, Stefan's under a lot of stress right now, and you're just making it worse," Katherine said sternly. "I suggest you _leave,_ and _let me_ take care of him from now on."

Elena hissed. "This has gone _too far_ this time, Stefan! You're going to have to choose: is it going to be _me_, or Katherine?"

"Elena, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" Stefan whined.

"_No!_" Elena blasted. She grabbed Stefan's left arm and tried to pull him away. "Stefan, this might be our last night together! We need to have sex _right now_ in order to save our relationship!"

Katherine grabbed Stefan's right arm. "No, Stefan! _We_ need to have sex _right now_ to save _our_ relationship!"

"Can't we all just get along?" Stefan whined. "Please?"

"Want to make it a threesome then?" Katherine purred.

Elena tugged Stefan's left arm. "No threesomes! _I'm_ his girlfriend!"

Katherine tugged Stefan's right arm. "I saw him _first!_"

Elena tugged Stefan's left arm. "But _I'm_ with him _now!_"

Katherine tugged Stefan's right arm. "He only wanted _you_ because you look exactly like _me!_"

Elena tugged Stefan's left arm. "He's more compatible with _my_ personality!"

Katherine tugged Stefan's right arm. "_You're_ just a replacement! I'm _the real deal!_"

Elena tugged Stefan's left arm. "Doesn't matter! He's dating _me!_ Not you!"

Katherine tugged Stefan's right arm. "Technically, we never broke up!"

"I thought you were dead!" Stefan told Katherine.

"That's _not_ an official breakup!" Katherine whined, tugging his arm.

"You know, she makes some really strong points, Elena," Stefan said.

"It doesn't matter!" Elena shouted, tugging his left arm. "It's you and me, Stefan! _We're_ _epic!_"

"Oh please!" Katherine whined. "A truly 'epic' story must be developed over a long period of time. You two have only been together for like ten weeks! Stefan and I go back for one hundred and forty-five years! Beat that!"

"I'll show you _epic!"_ Elena screamed. The arguing and Stefan-tug-of-war abruptly ended when Elena lunged at Katherine. In seconds, the girls both rolled to the ground in a grappling, clawing, shrieking, and hair-pulling doppelganger cat fight. Damon came rushing in and assisted Stefan in breaking it up. The brothers tried desperately to pull Elena away before things got really ugly, but it proved to be more difficult than it looked.

"Come on, Stefan! Use your _vamp-strength_ and help me out here!" Damon grunted as the brothers tried to pull Elena off of Katherine.

"_I am_ using my vamp-strength!" Stefan shouted.

"It's _not enough!_" Damon groaned.

"I just _can't do it_, Damon! I don't have the power!" Stefan shouted.

"Come on, _pull harder!_" Damon shouted.

It took both of the brothers' concentrated efforts to pull fierce little Elena out of the sexy doppelganger throw-down.

"What are you doing?" Elena huffed. "You guys are supposed to back _me_ up... not _defend_ Katherine!"

"_We are_ backing you up," Stefan said. "Trust us. You don't want to get into it with Katherine. She can kick _all_ of our asses, do her nails, _and_ shop online for lingerie all at the same time."

"Look, if you kids can't settle down, _nobody's_ going to get any ice cream!" Damon shouted. Everyone suddenly stopped flailing and the room became quiet.

"There's ice cream?" Katherine asked.

"_Only_ if you three can _behave yourselves_," Damon scolded.

"What flavor?" Elena asked.

"Cookies n' cream," Damon said.

"That sounds really good right now," Stefan said. "How about we all go downstairs for some ice cream and resume this fight at a more convenient time?"

Everyone agreed.

* * *

The four sat in the foyer and enjoyed their dessert, right up until when Katherine purposely dropped some ice cream on her thigh and tried to get Stefan to lick it off, which nearly provoked Elena into another fight.

"So now that we're all... _temporarily_... calm," Damon said, "what's the deal with Elijah?"

"Well, with all the craziness that's been going on, and since my reputation in this town is pretty well tarnished..." Elena glared at Katherine, "I've decided that I'm going to take Elijah up on his offer to move in with him until the sacrifice."

"So you're just giving in to Klaus' demands? Why?" Damon fired back.

"It's pretty simple," Elena said. "Elijah has a plan. You guys don't. Elijah stands a chance against Klaus. You guys don't."

"_Ouch_," Stefan said flatly.

"Well, this really sucks!" Damon shouted.

"Sorry, but I've made up my mind," Elena said. "I don't want anyone else getting hurt for my sake. That means you guys... minus Katherine."

Katherine stuck her tongue out at Elena.

"Come on, you _can't_ be serious about all of this, Elena," Stefan whined.

"You'll get over it, Stefan. It's nothing that another of Katherine's erotic massages won't fix," Elena bitterly remarked.

"Elena, we're not going to stop fighting for you, even if you run away," Damon said.

"You won't have anyone to fight," Elena said. "Once I leave Mystic Falls, Klaus and his goons will be drawn away from here. Elijah can handle them."

"So that's it?" Damon asked. "You're just going to pack up and leave, just like that?"

"That's right," Elena said. "You can thank Katherine for making it happen sooner than expected."

The brothers glared at Katherine. "Don't look at me like that!" Katherine whined. "I made her _a star!_"

"Yeah... an amateur porn star," Elena grumbled. "But I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I'll be dead soon."

"Elena, let's just talk about this," Stefan said.

"I think we've covered everything already. We're _not_ going to reach an agreement," Elena said. "I think I'd better just go now." She walked to the door. "Whatever happens, just promise me you guys won't cross Elijah again. It was hard enough getting you back on his no-kill list. Don't screw it up."

"We promise," Stefan said.

"Good," Elena said.

Elena left the house, leaving the brothers in a state of depression. Katherine looked bored and indifferent as she examined her fingernails.

Damon exhaled deeply and clapped his hands. "Alright," he said, "now that she's gone... how are we going to kill Elijah?"


	11. Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 11: GANGSTA RAP MADE ME DO IT**

* * *

"Whatever happens, just promise me you guys won't cross Elijah again," Elena said. "It was hard enough getting you back on his no-kill list. Don't screw it up."

"We promise," Stefan said.

"Good," Elena said.

Elena left the boarding house, leaving the brothers in a state of depression. Katherine looked bored and indifferent as she examined her fingernails.

Damon exhaled deeply and clapped his hands. "Alright," he said, "now that Elena's gone... how are we going to kill Elijah?"

Stefan scoffed. "Damon, we just _promised_ Elena we wouldn't mess with Elijah!"

"_We_ didn't," Damon said. "_You_ made the promise. _I_ say we kill him."

"How are you going to kill him without the dagger and the stupid sawdust from that old tree?" Katherine asked.

"She's right. We're not going to kill him, Damon," Stefan said.

Damon jumped out of his seat. "Well, we've got to do something!" Damon shouted. "We're can't just sit back and let this guy roll in with his expensive suit and flashy cars and steal Elena away from us! Who does he think he is?"

Damon's speech got Stefan all fired up. "Yeah!" Stefan jumped from his seat. "Who does he think he is? We're _Team Salvatore!_"

"So you're with me?" Damon asked.

"Yeah, I'm with you," Stefan said. "What's the plan?"

"We show him who's boss," Damon said. "Let him know we mean business! Show him we're not afraid, and we're not going to take his bullshit anymore!"

"And _how_ are you going to do that?" Katherine asked.

"We'll load up some guns with wooden bullets and pop a cap in his ass," Damon said.

Stefan groaned. "I don't know, Damon. Do we really have to resort to violence?"

"Stefan, violence _works_!" Damon said. "Are you in or not?"

Stefan reluctantly nodded. "Alright, I'm in, damn it."

"Hey, can I get in on this, too?" Katherine asked.

"No," Damon said flatly.

"Come on!" Katherine whined. "I'm _so bored_... I need some thrills!"

"We're not doing this _for fun_, Katherine," Stefan scoffed. "Elena's life is on the line. This is serious."

"But you boys _need me_," Katherine said knowingly.

Damon scoffed. "How do you figure?"

Katherine sat back, crossed one leg over the other, and examined her fingernails. "Because I know where to find Elijah, and _you boys_ don't," she said coyly.

"Tell us," Damon demanded.

"Can I join in?" Katherine asked. The brothers looked at each other and collectively nodded.

"Fine," Damon said. "You can help. Where's Elijah?"

Katherine smiled slyly. "Beg me..."

"_What?_" Damon fired back.

"You heard me. I want you to _beg me _for help," Katherine teased. "You've been keeping information from me. Now that I have something you need, you'll have to beg..."

Stefan groaned. "Come on, Katherine, no more games, please..."

Katherine flipped her hair back casually. "Fine," she sighed, "you two will just have to watch while poor little Elena get dragged away to the sacrifice, because your egos are too big for you to just humor me for a few seconds."

The brothers looked at each other and shrugged, then both broke into a chorus of pleading. "Katherine, please help us! Please! We need you! Please help us!"

Katherine sat back and grinned with joy at the sight of the begging brothers. "Well, well," she purred. "I've been waiting for this moment to finally arrive..."

"Well?" Damon asked. "Will you help us?"

Katherine put a finger to her lips as if in thought. "Hmm..." she hummed. "Maybe. But first, I want you to beg some more." She sat back and kicked out her leg, showing off her freshly painted toenails that matched the scarlet color of her silk kimono perfectly. "Kiss my foot!" She giggled.

"Kiss my _ass!_" Damon fired back.

"We could do all kinds of things," Katherine teased.

"How about I just _murder you_ in your sleep?" Damon asked with hostility.

"Bring it on," Katherine said. "_Any_ action in my bedroom will be a welcome change. But it doesn't change the fact that you need me. And right now, you boys need to _prove_ that you _truly_ want my help... so get on your knees and _kiss my foot!_" She giggled again.

"We're _not_ doing any such thing, Katherine," Damon objected. "How far do you think you can push us before... _Stefan!_" Stefan had already dropped to the floor, pressed his lips to her foot, and began groveling for help like a starving peasant in front of the Queen. Katherine cheered with delight.

"What the hell, Stefan?" Damon shouted.

"What?" Stefan shot back. "I'm doing it for Elena. It's all for Elena."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Keep telling yourself that. You've got _serious_ issues."

"I know..." Stefan groaned.

"Enough is enough, Katherine!" Damon shouted. "Where's Elijah?"

Katherine smiled. "Elijah goes into that little coffee shop every night at eight for an Arabian mocha java latte," she explained. "All we have to do is stake it out until he shows up, and then..."

"Hit and run?" Stefan asked.

Damon grinned. "Hit and run. Let's do this."

* * *

While Katherine went upstairs to get dressed, Damon brought out a cardboard box full of Alaric's vampire hunting weapons and set them out on a dusty old dining table. Stefan helped his brother rummage through the goods.

"What do you think we should use?" Stefan asked.

"Guns with wooden bullets," Damon said. "The faster the reload, the better. Maybe take some of those vervain bombs too."

"How about the shotgun?" Stefan asked.

Damon nodded. "The shells are filled with wooden splinters. Elijah will be picking them out of his skin for weeks."

"That should _really_ piss him off..." Stefan picked up the shotgun and admired it.

"That's the idea," Damon said.

"Yeah, but are you sure it's a _good_ idea?" Stefan asked.

Damon shrugged. "No, but I don't see you coming up with anything better. If we put enough pressure on Elijah, maybe he'll just give up."

"Or maybe he'll just kill us all in anger," Stefan said.

"So many maybes," Damon said.

Katherine waltzed in, back in her black jeans. "Ooh, guns... which one can I use?"

"None," Damon said. "You can _drive_." He tossed Katherine the keys to his Camaro.

Stefan winced. "You're going to regret that, Damon. Have you ever seen the way she drives?"

Katherine grinned. Damon gulped hard.

* * *

The brothers jumped into the back of the old Camaro convertible, while Katherine climbed into the driver's seat and hit the gas. The car screeched down the streets, weaving through intersections, and careening around corners. Katherine floored it and ignored all stop signs, red lights, and pedestrians.

"Slow down! Slow down! We're in no hurry!" Damon shouted over the loud rush of wind.

"This is a _great_ car!" Katherine shouted over her shoulder. She turned on the radio and cranked it to full blast.

"Turn that shit off!" Damon shouted.

"What?" Katherine protested. "We need some gangsta rap to get us pumped up to do the job properly!"

Stefan bobbed his head. "_Pistol grip pump on ma lap at all times..._"

"You're gonna blow my speakers!' Damon yelled.

"Can't you get any more bass out of this thing?" Katherine shouted. The car swerved and weaved all over the road while she was busy fiddling with the radio knobs. "Don't you have a subwoofer?"

"No! It's all stock!" Damon yelled.

"Watch the road!" the brothers yelled in chorus.

They finally rolled up to the coffee shop, parked across the street, and waited. Damon kept watch through a pair of binoculars for any sign of Elijah.

"So what are we going to call ourselves?" Katherine asked.

"What do you mean?" Stefan asked.

"What's our team name going to be?" Katherine asked.

"I don't know," Stefan said.

"How about _Team Boobs n' Blood_?" Katherine suggested. "Has a nice ring to it..."

Damon groaned. "No way!"

"Why not?" Katherine fired back. "It's simple, memorable, and it suits us."

"You're not getting top billing, Katherine," Damon whined. "We're _Team Salvatore featuring Katherine_, end of story."

"Fine," she sighed.

Suddenly, Damon spotted Elijah through his binoculars. "I see him! He's walking into the coffee shop right now. We'll get him on his way out."

Katherine started the car up, and the brothers armed their weapons in the back seat. Katherine waited for the signal from Damon to start driving. They timed it just right. As soon as Elijah stepped out of the coffee shop, he was greeted by the the brothers' blazing guns and Katherine's middle finger.

"You're on _our turf_ now, _hombre!_ You'd better watch your back!" Damon shouted, guns blazing.

"You'd better keep away from my girl!" Stefan shouted, firing off several rounds of wooden bullets.

The Camaro screeched away, leaving Elijah groaning in agony on the sidewalk, covered in a pool of blood, sawdust, and Arabian mocha java latte. The brothers hooted and Katherine reverse high-fived her boys as they sped away, courtesy of Katherine's lead foot.

* * *

Elijah burst through the door of Elena's bedroom so frighteningly that she went pale with fear.

"Elijah! What happened?" Elena gasped, staring at his multitude of bullet wounds and tattered and blood stained suit. "You smell like strong coffee..."

"The camel's back is broken! Your Salvatore brothers turned on me!" Elijah growled. "I hold _you_ responsible!"

"Oh no... please, Elijah, don't hurt them!" she begged. "I'll do anything... I'll move in with you, just like you said... just don't hurt them, okay?"

Elijah paused to think. "Very well, but I'll need something else."

"Name it," Elena said.

"The moonstone," Elijah said ominously. "You have exactly one week to deliver yourself and the rock to me. Are we agreed?"

Elena gulped. "Agreed."


	12. Like a Rolling Stone

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 12: LIKE A ROLLING STONE**

* * *

After Elijah left, Elena immediately got in her car and raced to the boarding house. She found Stefan and Damon in the library, hunched over some old parchment maps.

Damon looked up. "Hey, Elena! I think we may have found a way to save you from all of this sacrifice bullshit. There's a witch burial ground over by the old mill, near where that liquor store used to be, and I think-"

"I can't believe what you two jackasses did to Elijah!" Elena interrupted.

"Elena, we're only trying to protect you," Stefan said.

"Yeah, at what cost?" Elena fired back. "I hope you realize it that you two are both _dead_ unless I deliver myself and the moonstone to Elijah within a week. So where is it?"

"The moonstone?" Stefan asked. "I have no idea. All I really do lately is make phone calls, hug you, and fantasize about Katherine in my spare time."

"I have the stupid rock," Damon grumbled.

"Where is it?" Elena asked nicely.

"It's in _a very safe place_," Damon taunted, "and _only I_ know where."

"Give it to me," Elena demanded.

"Hell no," Damon said defiantly.

"_Damon!_" Elena blasted. "I need it! I'm _saving_ your asses!"

"No way, Elena," Damon said. "If there's no moonstone, they can't sacrifice you. End of story."

"No, it's not the end of the story, because they can still _kill us all_ out of spite!" Elena fumed.

"So I'm just supposed to hand you the moonstone so you can run off to your own death? Is that it?" Damon challenged.

"Yes! That's what I want!" Elena shouted, exasperated, throwing her arms in the air. "Can't you two just _let me die_ already?"

Both brothers shook their heads in unison. "No chance, Elena," Damon said. "Elijah wants the moonstone? Let him try to come get it himself. We'll pump him full of wooden bullets again."

"No!" Elena huffed. "You guys _are not_ going to ruin another one of his four thousand dollar bespoke suits!"

Stefan scoffed. "What a showoff..."

"What do you even see in that jerk, Elena?" Damon asked. "He's all flash! No substance whatsoever."

"You don't know him like I do," Elena said proudly. "So can I have the flipping moonstone so I can save both of your lives?"

"Nope," Damon said. Stefan shrugged.

Elena stomped her foot and walked off in a huff. She knew it wouldn't be simple getting that ridiculously ugly moonstone back into her possession. And now that the brothers knew she was after it, they wouldn't give her much of a chance to snoop around the house looking for it.

On Elena's way out, she was met by Katherine, who waltzed through the foyer in her short black satin robe.

"Where are you off to in such a huff?" Katherine asked.

"Aren't you _ever_ dressed?" Elena complained. "This isn't the Playboy mansion, you know."

"You should see what I wear when you're not around," Katherine teased.

"I've got nothing to say to you," Elena said. She headed for the door, but Katherine stood in her way.

"But I've got something to say to you," Katherine said.

Elena rolled her eyes. "What..."

"I'm going to help you find the moonstone," Katherine said bluntly.

Elena's interest perked up. "Why would _you_ want to help _me_?"

"Well, it gets you dead, gets Klaus out of my hair, and leaves me alone with my favorite boys," Katherine explained. "You can see how it would be a huge win for us both. So do you want my help or not?"

Elena sighed. "Alright. Damon has it, but he's not saying where it's hidden. If you can snoop around in his bedroom, that might be the best place to start."

"With _pleasure_," Katherine purred.

"Hurry. I only have a week to produce this piece of junk rock or else the brothers die. Call me if you find anything," Elena explained as she headed out the door.

"Leave it to me. I _always_ get what I want," Katherine said.

* * *

Katherine stalked around outside Stefan's bedroom while he was preparing for bed. When the time was right, she sauntered in, looking seductive in her black robe which flowed loosely around her curves.

"Hi, Stefan," she said.

"Hello..." Stefan said, checking her out. It certainly wasn't the first time she had tried to get into his bed, and it wouldn't be the last time.

"Would you happen to know where the moonstone is, by any chance?" Katherine asked.

"Damon has it. I have no idea where it's hidden," Stefan said.

"Will you get it for me?" Katherine asked.

"No. Damon has it," Stefan said.

"What if I have sex with you? Will you get it for me then?" Katherine asked.

"No. I told you, Damon has it," Stefan said.

"Do you think he'll give it to me?" Katherine asked.

"No."

"What if I had sex with Damon? Would he give it to me then?" Katherine asked.

Stefan shrugged. "Possibly. You never can tell with Damon."

"Fair enough," she said.

Katherine left Stefan's room and went down the hall to Damon's bedroom. Damon was sitting on the bed, reading one of Jonathan Gilbert's journals, and writing notes on a small notepad. With a carefree stride, Katherine flung herself backwards like a gymnast onto the bed and let her robe fall open, exposing her lacy black undergarments, but her temptation didn't break Damon's concentration.

"Whatcha' doin?" Katherine asked.

"Reading," Damon said. "What are _you_ doing?"

"I'm _bored_," she sighed. "Want to have some hot sex or something?"

"Not really," Damon said flatly.

"Say, that reminds me, whatever happened to that old moonstoney thing-a-majig?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

Damon looked up from the book. "Why do you want to know?"

Katherine shrugged. "No reason. Just curious."

"I have it," Damon said. "It's stashed someplace safe."

"Will you get it for me?" Katherine asked.

"Nope," Damon said. "What do you want it for?"

"Nothing special... I just kind of miss having it around," Katherine said.

Damon frowned. "Why? It's ugly as hell, and everyone who comes into contact with it ends up dead or _severely_ pissed off."

"That's true! It's terribly ugly," Katherine said. "So you might as well give it to me, huh?"

"Nope," Damon said.

"But it has sentimental value to me," she whined, feigning sadness.

"No, it doesn't," he said.

"What if I have sex with you? Will you get it for me then?" she asked.

"Nope," Damon said. "Did you really think that would work?"

"It used to. I don't know what's wrong with me lately," Katherine whined sadly.

"Aw, cheer up. Stefan's still into you," Damon said.

Katherine's eyes lit up. "You _really _think so?"

Damon nodded. "Definitely. He's in complete denial, though."

"So if I have sex with Stefan, will _you_ give me the moonstone?" she asked.

Damon frowned. "That doesn't make _any_ sense whatsoever."

Katherine sighed. "Damn it! This is going to be much harder than I thought." She climbed down from the massive bed. "So much for Plan A... time to move to Plan B."

"Have fun," Damon said disinterestedly.

"Hey Damon, do you have a pair of handcuffs I can borrow?" she asked on her way out.

Damon pointed. "In the dresser... top drawer on the right side."

A huge grin crossed her face when she opened the dresser and retrieved the handcuffs. "Thank you _very_ much. I'm off to Stefan's room... call me if you need anything." She skipped away like a carefree schoolgirl.

* * *

After Katherine handcuffed Stefan to his bed, she hid down the hall and waited for Damon to respond to his younger brother's cries for help. Then she quietly slipped into Damon's room and began snooping around in every drawer, corner, and hiding spot. There was no sign of the moonstone, but an interesting looking receipt caught her attention, so she grabbed it along with a wad of hundred dollar bills, stuffed it all into her bra, and got the hell out of there before Damon returned.

Katherine ran back to her room, counted up the stolen cash, and examined the curious receipt. It wasn't a one hundred percent certainty, but it sure looked _very promising_. She immediately grabbed her phone off the dresser and called Elena.

"Hey! I'm pretty sure I've figured out where he stashed the moonstone," Katherine said.

"Wow, that was _fast_," Elena said.

"But it'll take _both of us_ working together to get it," Katherine went on. "I'll pick you up at your house tomorrow evening. I'll explain it all to you then."

Elena sighed. "Fine. Whatever it takes."

"Great! So... what are you wearing right now?" Katherine asked seductively.

The phone clicked.

"Elena? Hello? _Damn it_..."


	13. Rockin' Robin

_AUTHOR'S NOTES:_

_Tweet, tweet!  
_

_Please note that "at" signs are not publishable on this site, so ampersands "&" have been used as a replacement._

* * *

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 13: ROCKIN' ROBIN**

* * *

Elena sat on her bed, her fingers nimbly typing away on her laptop computer. The floor of her bedroom was littered with dozens of empty soda cans and crumpled up candy bar wrappers from her ongoing sugar binge.

"Come on, Elena! How long can you keep ignoring me?" Jonas called out from the bathroom mirror.

"I'm still pissed at you, Jonas. Leave me alone," Elena whined.

"Aw, come on... I'm _so bored_..." Jonas said sadly. "Why don't you come in here so we can talk?"

"No!" Elena blasted.

"You don't shower in here anymore?" Jonas asked sadly.

"No! I've been using the one downstairs," Elena growled.

"Why don't you come hang out in here for a while?" Jonas asked. "My conversations with you were always the highlight of my day."

"No! Get lost or I'll tape a huge piece of cardboard over that mirror and you'll never see the light of day again!" Elena blasted.

"Come on! I've got nothing to do all day," Jonas pleaded. "Are you busy?"

"Yes, I'm _extremely_ busy!" Elena blasted.

"Doing what?" Jonas prodded.

Elena huffed. "I'm on Twitter, broadcasting mundane comments about my dull life to millions of people who really don't give a crap, but have nothing better to do than to read them anyway."

"Oh, cool..." Jonas said."Who are you tweeting with?"

"Mostly Katherine... she's supposed to help me get the moonstone," Elena said.

"Oh, so are you two friends now?" Jonas asked.

"We're frenemies, working towards a common goal of me dying," Elena explained. "We sort of got into an online catfight last night, and I'm still pissed about it."

"Online catfight? Sounds hot," Jonas said. "So can you read me those tweets?"

"No!"

"Hey Elena, could you do me a huge favor and log into my account?" Jonas asked. "I haven't been able to check my tweets since I've been dead. I'm just _dying_ to know what's happening!"

"Very funny, Jonas. Go away now," Elena said nonchalantly as she typed.

"Please? I'm so out of the loop over here," Jonas whined. "At least read me your tweets or something... I'm losing my mind in here!"

"Fine! I'll read you my tweets! Just shut up already!" Elena took a deep breath and began reading off her timeline to Jonas, starting at the top:

.

.

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce I'll be waiting.

_1 minute ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Still working on a plan. Will have to be a night mission. Pick you up later. **#BetterYouDieThanI**

_2 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Just put some clothes on and get over here. I need that **#moonstone** so I can die.

_3 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&JeremyGilbert It's rude to **#facepalm** your sister on the internet.

_4 minutes ago_

.

**JeremyGilbert** Jeremy Gilbert

&doppelicious Are you talking to your mirror again? I can hear you from my room. I thought you were over that. **#facepalm**

_4 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&StefanSalvatore It's for me and Katherine. We're like a doppelganger duo now. It's complicated and kinky. **#Katlena**

_5 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&doppelicious Why did you make a new twitter account?

_5 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&StefanSalvatore WTF Stefan?

_6 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&KatherinePierce I will, as soon as I sign off.

_6 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&StefanSalvatore **#kissmyfoot** Stefan!

_6 minutes ago_

.

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&StefanSalvatore Boot licker! We don't owe him jack shit! **#YouCanAllGoToHell**

_7 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&OriginalElijah OK, I'll write you a check. **#SaintStefan #thegoodbrother**

_7 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

You've just been unfollowed, asshole! RT &OriginalElijah: Still waiting on financial restitution for my ruined suit and spilled latte...

_9 minutes ago_

.

**OriginalElijah** Elijah

Still waiting on financial restitution for my ruined suit and spilled latte...

_10 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&StefanSalvatore You should be drooling over the possibilities of me and Elena in bed together. There's clearly something wrong with you.

_10 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&KatherinePierce Quit trying to sex up my girlfriend.

_11 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I think** #Katlena** is already official. God, I just can't wait to get it on with you.

_11 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Don't start with me again! BTW why isn't it Kathelena? It's easier to say than Katlena.

_11 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious You sure you can handle it? **#DoppelgangerHijinx #Katlena #femslash**

_12 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce I don't care about TT. Are you coming over or what?

_14 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

OMG! **#KissKatsFoot** is trending! Bow down to me, all of my little minions! **#HBIC #BAMF**

_15 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore Please don't. **#TooMuchDeathAlready**

_17 minutes ago_

.

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious Can I kill Bonnie to save you, Elena? Please? **#TakeBonnieInstead**

_18 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&DamonSalvatore &StefanSalvatore OMG are you two fighting over me? If so, keep going! Love it!

_19 minutes ago_

.

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&StefanSalvatore Pretty sure that concept went out the window back in 1864, when you went after Katherine and didn't care about hurting me.

_19 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore WTF Damon? You rat out your own brother? What happened to "bros before hoes?"

_20 minutes ago_

.

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&StefanSalvatore Liar. **#StefansLyingAgain**

_21 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&StefanSalvatore Liar!

_22 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&doppelicious She is NOT in my room, Elena.

_22 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

I'm **#TweetingNude **from Stefan's room! **#Steferine**

_22 minutes ago_

.

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

That is such a load of bullshit, Stefan. **#StefansLyingAgain**

_29 minutes ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

I did **#KissKatsFoot** but it was only to save Elena's life!

_31 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

Stefan did! **#kissmyfoot**

_34 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Real mature. Remind me... how old are you again?

_35 minutes ago_

.

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Kiss my foot! **#kissmyfoot #KissKatsFoot**

_35 minutes ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

As of today, I, Elena Gilbert, along with my deranged doppelganger Katherine Pierce (a.k.a. Katerina Petrova), are embarking on an epic quest to find that fugly moonstone. -Team Doppelicious

_36 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce But I spend every minute of the day fighting my desires! Especially around Damon and Elijah! Grrr it's so frustrating being me.

_36 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious But it has to happen, Elena. It's our destiny. Don't fight your desires. I know you want me as much as I want me... or you want yourself... you get the idea.

_37 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Well I'll be dead soon, so I really don't see it happening. Ever.

_37 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious But I don't want to rush it. I want our first time together to be romantic, intimate, and memorable, but also fiery, passionate, and explosive.

_37 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I think it was invented just for me. I've done it all... men, women, humans, vamps, werewolves, lamps, other supernaturals... and FWIW I'm not giving up on **#doppelsex** with you.

_38 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Is omni-sexual even a real term?

_38 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious You're totally jealous. What a shame, the **#PetrovaFire** is wasted on you.

_39 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce cough cough ***SLUT***cough cough

_39 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

Hot, horny, dominant, aggressive, omni-sexual, 517 y/o single white female vampire seeks someone who can keep up with my appetites. DM **#BloodyFangtasticVampSex**

_40 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious YES! You've made me so happy! Plus, it will really piss off the bros and make them jealous, which will bring me even more pleasure.

_42 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Okay, fine. If I'm not dead by then, I'll be your date. But YOU have to do all the talking when everyone's going "WTF," okay?

_42 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Come on, be my date! I'm gonna help you find the moonstone. You'll owe me.

_43 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce You have to admit, it is pretty difficult to explain away.

_43 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Are you still afraid to be seen with me in public? :( That makes me so sad.

_44 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce I don't think so.

_44 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Elena, will you be my date for the next Lockwood ball? Let's ditch the bros for a night. We could have so much fun together! **#doppeldate**

_46 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Don't tweet that kind of stuff in front of Stefan. It makes him cry.

_48 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious You need to have some pleasure before you die. Your life is so epically tragic on all levels. Being with Stefan can only make it worse.

_51 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Elena, seriously, you need to get with the program and jump Damon's bones before it's too late. You're such a loser if you don't. **#Delena #nomoreexcuses**

_52 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I know we both said that, but what if it turns out we both fucked up big time?

_53 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce I thought it was always Stefan for you?

_54 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious How about a Kat/Damon/Elena triangle to change things up a bit? I think I could actually live with that... or at least deal with it until you die a horrible death.

_54 minutes ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Strange how they both want me but I won't go for it, and you want them both but they won't go for it.

_55 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I'm just wondering, what if we both picked the wrong brother? :( How tragic is that?

_58 minutes ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

Just peeked at Damon in the shower. OMFG. If my ovaries still worked, they would explode right now. **#Kathamon #DoMeDamon #RockMyOvaries **

_1 hour ago_

_._

**MattDonovan** Matt Donovan

&doppelicious Oops, that should have been a DM. Oh well, I'm screwed now. Bye. **#somebodykillme**

_12 hours ago_

_._

**CarolineForbes** Caroline Forbes

&MattDonovan OMG Matt! WTF are you doing? :( **#neuroticvampirebarbie**

_12 hours ago_

_._

**MattDonovan** Matt Donovan

&doppelicious I still can't stop thinking about you, Elena. **#inexplicableattraction**

_12 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

Damn. My life is a joke.

_12 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman I see you guys making other tweets, why don't you respond to me?

_12 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman Hello? Can I go to the grill with you guys?

_13 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman Hello? Anyone?

_13 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman I want to be badass too.

_13 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman Can I go to the grill with you guys?

_13 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman Can I come along and be badass with you guys? Please?

_13 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&DamonSalvatore &AlaricSaltzman Ooh! Can I come too guys?

_13 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&AlaricSaltzman Same badass time, same badass station. **#TeamBadass**

_13 hours ago_

_._

**AlaricSaltzman** Alaric Saltzman

&DamonSalvatore Drinks at the grill tonight? **#TeamBadass**

_13 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

Just got a serious craving for those chocolate cupcakes with the cream filling and the squiggly line on top. Might run to the corner store. BBL **#latenightsugarfix**

_14 hours ago_

_.  
_

**JulesHorseface** Jules Horseface

&TylerLockwood Hey, who let you out of your cage? Where's your leash?

_14 hours ago_

_._

**TylerLockwood** Tyler Lockwood

&doppelicious Yup. You know us, always partying in the darkest of times.

_14 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&TylerLockwood OMG another frickin' ball already? As if I didn't have enough to worry about! **#needmoresugar**

_14 hours ago_

_._

**TylerLockwood** Tyler Lockwood

&CarolineForbes I should be back for the next Lockwood ball.

_14 hours ago_

_._

**CarolineForbes** Caroline Forbes

&TylerLockwood Are you ever coming back to MF?

_14 hours ago_

_._

**TylerLockwood** Tyler Lockwood

&CarolineForbes Coping With Lycanthropy... Dental Hygiene, Bathing, and Self-Grooming for Werewolves... and Political Science.

_14 hours ago_

_._

**CarolineForbes** Caroline Forbes

&TylerLockwood What other classes are you taking?

_14 hours ago_

_._

**TylerLockwood** Tyler Lockwood

Hey all! My first Anger Management class is tonight; wish me luck!

_14 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&OriginalElijah Not yet... working on it.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**OriginalElijah** Elijah

&doppelicious Did you recover the moonstone yet?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&OriginalElijah OMG thank you! I'm so excited!

_15 hours ago_

_._

**OriginalElijah** Elijah

&doppelicious Your room is ready for you to move in at any time, Miss Gilbert.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce OMG you're so annoying tonight! Leave MY boys alone!

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious So in other words you want them both for yourself, like I do. We have so much in common besides our looks!

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore Nevermind... this is all very confusing for me. Leave me alone! **#sexuallyfrustrated**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious Not really.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore NO! WELL, YES! BUT NO! GRRR... I just want you to keep wanting to sleep with me and only me, even though you can't! Make sense?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious Wait... huh? Are you implying that you want me for yourself, or what?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore GRRRRR! Seriously Damon you'd better be joking! I don't want you or Stefan sleeping with Katherine! DAMN IT. **#cattyaggression** **#doppelgangerjealousy #sugarhigh**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&DamonSalvatore YEAH! That's the spirit! That's what I'm talking about! **#ForgetElena** **#ItsAlwaysGoingToBeKatherine**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious I don't know... but if Katherine keeps walking around here with her Victoria's Secret showing, I might just say fuck it...

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore NO! of course I am NOT jealous! I just don't want her to hurt you again! So don't do it! EVER.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious Why, are you jealous? So what if I did?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore Please tell me you're NOT seriously gonna sleep with Katherine...

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&DamonSalvatore If you want to pretend I'm Elena for one night, I don't mind. **#sexualfantasy**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Hmm... are you more jealous of me, or of him?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Stop hitting on Damon! Grrrr you're so infuriating! **#cattyanger #ineedsugar**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&DamonSalvatore Stop by my bedroom tonight. Seriously. We need to make amends and get it on.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

Stefan lies! He's been checking out my boobs nonstop since I got out of the tomb. **#Steferine** **#StefansLyingAgain**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

LMFAO! You suck, Stefan.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&doppelicious It wasn't me, I swear! Damon got on my computer and typed that while I was out of the room!

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&StefanSalvatore OMG I can't believe you're shamelessly hitting on Katherine via twitter! WTF Stefan?

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious LMAO! See? Even Stefan agrees mine are the best, and he's had us both! Suck it, Elena.

_15 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&KatherinePierce Hey Katherine, I think heaven lost a pair of angels, 'cause I can see them bouncing around in your shirt. **#KatsBoobsGiveMyLifeMeaning**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious Jealous much? Hey, show me what you've got and I'll reconsider my vote. Until then, **#KatsBoobsFTW**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&DamonSalvatore WTF Damon I can't believe you picked Katherine over me! I thought we were friends. **#pissedoff**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

YES! In your face, Elena.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

Since I've never seen, touched, or licked Elena's in the flesh, I have to choose Katherine's by default. **#KatsBoobsFTW**

_15 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

POLL: Who has nicer boobs? Me or Elena?

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious We're doppelgangers, but I'm clearly the sexier of the two. Don't even try to compete with my boobs. **#bitchplease**

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Yeah but mine are equally amazing. It's just that I don't flaunt them like you do.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious GTFO! No tricks here. They're real and they're simply amazing, so deal with it.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Why jealous? Yours always look bigger, rounder, and fuller than mine for some reason I haven't figured out. Unless you're "enhancing."

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious We are for now, but if the fat starts going to your boobs, I'll actually be really fucking jealous.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce BTW if you think I'm fat, then you're fat too because we have the exact same measurements. **#bitchplease**

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce OMG give me a break. I weigh exactly the same as I did before all of this sacrifice bullshit started!

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I WILL have them both again. It's only a matter of time before they crumble. And then YOU can sit on the sidelines and watch the master at work. **#ItsAlwaysGoingToBeKatherine**

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Whatever, it's fine by me, cause while you're busy ballooning up to 220, I'll be getting all of the bros attention.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious How do you expect to keep stress-eating those chocolate cupcakes and drinking Coke like that and NOT blimp out to epic proportions? Explain that. **#FedZeppelin**

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Fatty.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce OMG you're such a bitch! Yes, I'm on a constant sugar high lately to energize myself during these trying times! But I am NOT "chunking up!"

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious I'm just saying you've been eating tons of sugar, and drinking gallons of soda and energy drinks lately. When was the last time you hopped on the scale? You're chunking up, girl.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce I AM NOT FAT. WTF? You fucking know that! You practically stripped me nude the other night. You've worn my clothes, and they fit you perfectly for fuck's sake. **#thefuckutalkinabout**

_16 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Are you sure it was the AB diet though? Maybe it was just an excuse to cover up the truth... that he thinks you're fat.

_16 hours ago_

_._

**DamonSalvatore** Damon Salvatore

&doppelicious He really is crying right now. I checked. **#StefansCryingAgain**

_17 hours ago_

.

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&doppelicious I can't believe you tweeted that, Elena! I'm crying right now. **#StefansCryingAgain**

_17 hours ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Stefan's got issues. **#StelenaSinkingShip**

_17 hours ago_

_._

**StefanSalvatore** Stefan Salvatore

&doppelicious &KatherinePierce Ladies, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't discuss my sexual failings on twitter. Thanks.

_17 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Now I'm actually kind of glad I didn't bother talking to him during the past 145 years. **#epicfail**

_17 hours ago_

_._

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Now you know what I've been dealing with.

_17 hours ago_

_._

**KatherinePierce** Katherine Pierce

&doppelicious Your life is truly pitiful. No wonder you want to die.

_17 hours ago_

.

**doppelicious** Elena Gilbert

&KatherinePierce Actually, Stefan could never get an erection due to poor circulation from his strict animal blood diet.

_17 hours ago_

.

.

.

"Happy now, Jonas?" Elena called.

"That made my day!" Jonas laughed. "So Stefan really couldn't get it up, huh?"

"That's right."

"And did Stefan really kiss Kat's foot?" Jonas asked.

"He sure did."

"And does Katherine really tweet in the nude?" Jonas asked.

"Frequently," Elena said, typing away.

"And are her boobs really the best?" Jonas asked.

"That's still up for debate, as far as I'm concerned," Elena said grumpily.

"And are you really going to be Katherine's doppeldate for the Lockwood ball?" Jonas asked.

"I guess, if I'm still alive," Elena replied.

"Damn... that's _awesome_," Jonas said under his breath. "So are you and Katherine going to make out again? Cause that was really hot. And I really didn't get to see much of the action because of the way you left the bathroom door angled... so if you do it again, can you make sure to leave the door wide open, please?"

Elena angrily bit into a chocoalate cupcake. "Shut the hell up, Jonas," she barked with crumbs falling from her mouth. "I'm about two steps away from getting out the cardboard and duct tape! I swear, I'll do it!"

"Okay, okay, I'll be good," Jonas groaned.


	14. I Touch Myself

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 14: I TOUCH MYSELF**

* * *

Elena stood at her bathroom mirror and ran her favorite half-melted brush through her hair, while a car horn beeped incessantly from outside of the house.

"Sounds like your ride is here," Jonas commented.

"It's Katherine," Elena sighed. "Who else could be so obnoxious?"

"Ooh, are you two going on a doppeldate tonight?" Jonas asked.

"No _doppeldate!_" Elena groaned. "Our relationship is based solely on finding the moonstone. Once the job is done, we part ways. Anyway, I'd better go... see ya later, Jonas."

"Okay! Have fun with your new BFF," Jonas called after her.

"She's _not_ my BFF! We're frenemies at best!" Elena screeched.

Elena hurriedly grabbed a chocolate bar the way out of her room, nervously trotted out of the house, and hopped into the passenger seat of Katherine's flashy blue sports car. The sun was just beginning to set when the doppelicious duo took off on the road to more moonstone shenanigans.

"Wow, Katherine," Elena said, "I didn't know you drive a Lotus."

"I do today," Katherine said. Elena tore the wrapper from her candy bar and bit into it ravenously. "Again with the sugar?" Katherine shook her head. "You're completely addicted."

Elena pouted. "I am _not _addicted! I'm gonna die soon! I'll eat whatever I want! _Who cares_ if I get love-handles?"

Katherine stepped on the gas. The car peeled down the road, breaking all speed limits. Elena shrunk back into her seat in a panic. "Slow down! You're doing eighty in a thirty mile per hour zone!"

"Aw, kiss my foot!" Katherine groaned. "Just relax, I have super-human reflexes and I've been driving since the Ford Model T came out."

"Slow down!" Elena shouted.

"You know, for someone who has a death wish, you're awfully paranoid," Katherine mocked.

"Slow down! I'm supposed to die in _the sacrifice_! Not by flying through your windshield during a high-speed collision!" Elena shouted. "It won't benefit you if I die prematurely!"

"That's a good point... okay, fair enough. I'll keep it under the speed limit," Katherine huffed and slammed on the breaks. "Feel better now?"

"Yes. Thank you," Elena said calmly. "So what's the plan?"

"You'd better get dressed first, and then I'll explain. I took the liberty of doing some shopping for us," Katherine said, pointing to a big shopping bag behind the seat. Elena reached behind and took a look inside the bag. In the bag was an entire outfit identical to the one Katherine was wearing: a short black pleated skirt, black nylons, a white blouse, a black jacket, black pumps. They looked a bit slutty even by Katherine's standards, so Elena figured it was something important for the mission.

"What's it all about?" Elena asked.

"Don't you trust me?" Katherine asked.

"Hell no," Elena fired back.

"We have to dress the same, Elena," Katherine said. "It's all part of the plan."

Elena rolled her eyes. "How am I supposed to change clothes in a moving car?"

"Climb into the back seat," Katherine said.

"There _is no_ back seat!" Elena shouted.

"Just get dressed and quit whining about it. It's not _that_ difficult," Katherine groaned.

"I'm not getting undressed in a moving car, in front of _you_," Elena said.

"Seriously, Elena?" Katherine groaned. "It's nothing I haven't seen before. What's yours is mine, you know?"

"If that's true, then why are you so interested in _mine?_" Elena groaned.

Katherine turned and glanced at Elena with a look of grave seriousness. "It's the curse of being a Petrova."

Elena's curiosity was piqued and she looked up. "There's a Petrova _curse_? What is it?"

Katherine shook her head. "I'm not telling you."

"Come on, Katherine. I'm a Petrova, too, whether I like it or not. I deserve to know," Elena said.

Katherine kept her eyes fixed on the road as she drove. "No," she shook her head. "You don't understand, Elena. If I tell you about the Petrova curse, it will consume you. It will haunt your every waking moment. You'll barely be able to think about anything else."

Elena weighed Katherine's warnings, but she remained persistent. "I still want to know. Its _my right_ to know. Tell me, Katherine."

"Alright, but just remember, you asked for this." Katherine took a deep breath. "Just imagine my predicament, Elena. I've lived for over five hundred years. I've been everywhere, and I've done everything. I've searched every corner of the earth, but not once have I ever found a lover who could compare with my own goddess-like beauty, or match my own sexual prowess. This is the awful truth that will haunt us every single day of our lives as Petrova doppelgangers. And that, my dear, is the Petrova curse."

Elena rolled her eyes. "So in other words, we're just too damn sexy for everyone else?"

"Exactly," Katherine sighed. "It's tragic."

"So you're a nympho _and_ a narcissist? What a charming combination," Elena mocked.

"It is what it is, Elena," Katherine said. "So are you going to get dressed or what?"

Elena grumbled something incoherent and pulled her shirt over her head. Elena was certain that she caught Katherine peeking out of the corner of her eye. "Stop looking at me like that!" Elena scolded.

"Like what?" Katherine asked, feigning innocence.

"With crazed lust in your eyes," Elena said. "I'm not even sure _why_ I'm trusting you, after everything that's happened..."

"You want to die, don't you? I promise I'll do everything in my power to make sure you succeed. Our goal is one and the same," Katherine assured her.

"Well, thanks for that," Elena said. "It's a relief to finally have _someone_ on my side for a change!"

"Right on," Katherine said. "So strip naked and put on that damn outfit!"

"Shut up! I'm going as fast as I can," Elena fired back. She kicked off her sneakers and wiggled out of her jeans.

"You can lose the panties, too," Katherine smoothly added.

"_Excuse me?_" Elena fired back.

"Lose the panties," Katherine repeated. "You won't need them where we're going."

"Sorry, but that's where I draw the line!" Elena guffawed. "As if our relationship wasn't psychosexually _freaky_ enough already!"

"Trust me, they'll only get in the way... you should be riding easy and free, like me," Katherine said, shifting in her seat.

"A bit too _liberated_ for my style, thanks!" Elena protested.

"Fine! _Don't_ believe me," Katherine said cheekily. "But when the time comes, you'll know I was right."

"Why are you being so cryptic? And when are you going to explain this absurd plan of yours that requires us to dress up like flight attendants out of some cheesy porno movie?" Elena rattled off in frustration.

"I found a receipt in Damon's room," Katherine explained while Elena finished dressing. "Turns out, he rented a safe deposit box at this bank downtown. Anyway, the receipt is dated _the day after_ he got the moonstone back. He also kept saying that the moonstone is in 'a safe place,' get it?"

"Of course! That makes perfect sense," Elena said. "Great work, Katherine! So you got the key then?"

"Oh, hell no!" Katherine shot back. "Don't be ridiculous. Damon would _die_ before giving up that key. It could be _anywhere_."

"So how are we supposed to get into the box without the key?" Elena asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Katherine replied.

"Oh, no!" Elena gasped. "We're _not_ gonna break into his safe deposit box, Katherine! Tell me that's _not_ your plan!"

"Look, do you want the damned rock, or not? If so, we're going to have to be a bit _underhanded_ in our methods!" Katherine ranted. "If this is _too hot_ for you, we can always turn back."

Elena buried her face in her hands. "No... there's no turning back now. I need that stupid, ugly moonstone as soon as possible."

Katherine turned the car into the bank lot and parked. Then she pulled out a pair of binoculars that she stole from Damon and used them to get a better look inside the bank. "Okay, I count six employees... maybe seven," Katherine said.

"So what's the plan?" Elena asked.

Katherine put down the binoculars. "Basically, we're going to march in there in our sexy little outfits and start _working_ the room..."

"Wait!" Elena raised her hand. "We're going to do _what_?"

"Elena, you and I are going to pose as twin sisters... twin sister _strippers_," Katherine explained.

"Oh my God!" Elena face-palmed herself in complete exasperation. "Why does every plan you come up with involve _public nudity_? I should have known better! I should have known better than to agree to this!"

"Wait! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. Are you going to let me finish?" Katherine prodded impatiently.

"Go ahead!" Elena huffed and crossed her arms.

"So anyway, we go in there like we're strippers, right?" Katherine continued. "We'll shake our stuff and work the room and once all the guys' brains start to melt and get nice and gooey, you'll keep them entertained while I quietly slip into the vault, drill out the lock on the box, and get the moonstone. Then we'll wiggle our sexy butts right out the door and peel away before they even realize what happened. _Easy_."

"Katherine, this is without a doubt the _stupidest_, most _absurd_, _nonsensical_, _ridiculous_ hack-job of a plan I've ever heard. I feel dumber for just having _listened_ to this drivel. I think I just felt my i.q. drop by about ten points," Elena ranted.

"Well, do you have a better idea?" Katherine asked.

Elena sighed. "No."

"Alright then," Katherine declared proudly.

"I _can't believe_ I'm going along with this..." Elena sighed, "but why don't _you_ do the stripping while _I_ drill the box? Seeing as how you have much more experience in the field than I do."

Katherine shrugged. "Sure. If you want to do the hard part, it's fine with me."

"Couldn't you just compel them all to stay still, while we break into the box, without the damn strip tease?" Elena asked.

"Compulsion isn't foolproof. You never know who's on vervain in this town," Katherine answered.

"That's true," Elena said, "but couldn't you just compel the ones who aren't, and make things a bit simpler?"

Feeling that it was time for a vitally important lesson, Katherine looked her young doppelganger protege straight in the eyes. "Elena, listen to me. You're _completely_ underestimating our power," Katherine began. "You and I are Petrova doppelgangers. I know you're still coming to terms with what all of this means, but it's about time that you've learned an important lesson. As Petrova doppelgangers, we _don't need_ compulsion to get what we want. What we have is _so much_ more effective. We've got _these_," Katherine said, cupping her breasts. "And even though my boobs are far nicer than yours, as I've already proven in my Twitter poll, don't sell yourself short."

Elena rolled her eyes. "So, does this speech have a point, or are you just using it to brag about your boobs some more?"

"I'm getting to it," Katherine went on. "The _point_ is that compulsion _pales_ in comparison to the incredible manipulative power of a smoking hot female body. Think of it as a _drug_, Elena... when we go in there with our _combined_ Petrova fire, and when we start dancing and grinding our hips together, _everyone_ will fall under our spell. They'll feel like they're mainlining heroin straight into their veins, except it's not heroin, Elena... no... it's _pure sex_. That's what we are together, Elena; an intravenous injection of _pure sex_. Trust me, just the sight of us together will turn them all into drooling zombies so fast, they won't even be able to think or speak coherently... and then you'll see for yourself, and you'll finally begin to understand your true heritage as a Petrova doppelganger."

Elena's jaw hung open. "_Wow,_" she sighed, completely awed by Katherine's speech. "It's so fantastic... almost unbelievable... yet somehow, it just _makes so much damn sense_."

"So, are you with me?" Katherine asked, extending her hand.

Elena took Katherine's hand in her own. "I'm with you, Katherine. _I want to learn_... I want to embrace my true doppeliciousness. Teach me. Show me."

Katherine smiled proudly at her young protege.

"I'm ready," Elena nodded confidently. "_Let's grind_."

* * *

The doppelganger duo sashayed their way into the bank and put their sexy plan into action. They strutted, they danced, they shook, rattled, and rolled; they twisted, shouted, and swung, provocatively teasing each other, much to the shock of the employees who stood slack-jawed in amazement at the unique and _undeniably hot_ double-dose of Petrova fire. Within moments, all of the bank employees' eyes glazed over, sweat collected on their brows, drool pooled up at the corners of their gaping maws, and they could no longer speak coherently; their motor skills had been dulled to the point that they could only communicate through a series of primitive grunts, hoots, clicks, and nonsensical babbling.

"It's really working!" Elena whispered to Katherine as they danced, "their brains are turning to jelly!"

"Slip into the vault," Katherine whispered. "I'll handle it from here."

Elena promptly disappeared into the back and ran into the vault. She quickly located Damon's box number, took the drill out of her bag, and began to work at the lock. Suddenly and without warning, a security guard appeared out of nowhere and drew a gun. Elena froze in terror, and then all hell broke loose.

Just as the security guard reached for his walkie-talkie to call for backup, Katherine charged at him from behind and took him out with a single fierce bite to the jugular. She wiped the blood from her mouth as the dead security guard slumped to the floor. "Okay, Plan A is off! Time to go to plan B!" Katherine yelled.

"_But we don't have a Plan B!_" Elena shouted in a nervous panic.

"Okay then, make it _Plan HBIC!_ Just get the stone! I'll take care of the rest!" Katherine shouted.

_It was on._ Katherine knew there was no time to flounder; she knew she had to show all of those little bitches who was in charge, and she had to do it _fast_. She whisked her skirt back and reached for the pistol that was conveniently holstered to her thigh. Then she marched back to the zombified bank tellers, yelling orders and waving her gun in the air.

"Alright, this is a _fucking robbery!_" Katherine announced. "Everyone lie down facing the ground! _Do it now!_ _Move!_" She grabbed the first employee within reach and pistol-whipped him to a bloody pulp, just to prove to everyone that she was totally serious, and wasn't about to take any bullshit from anybody. "Anyone want to be a hero? You just _fucking_ _try me!_" she yelled. It was obvious that there were no heroes in that room. Within moments, all of the employees were face down on the floor, whimpering and sniffling like babies, much like Stefan did the time Elena broke up with him. "_That's right!_" Katherine kicked one of the most obnoxious whiners in the ribs and stepped on his neck. "Make love to the floor! Dry hump that floor, you pervert! _Hump it!_" The whiner squirmed and slobbered on the floor while Katherine drove her heel into the back of his neck. "_Hurry the fuck up, Elena!_" she yelled impatiently.

"_I'm on it!_" Elena yelled back. Meanwhile, inside the vault, Elena had reached full-on panic mode. "Oh God! Oh God! This is _armed robbery!_ We're _robbing a bank!_ This is a _felony_ offense!" Her hands were trembling so badly, she couldn't even control the drill. Elena had visions of herself wearing beige coveralls in federal prison, while Katherine would be off lazing on some tropical beach, sipping cocktails, and laughing it up. With a grunt, she ran the drill full bore. Sparks flew back at her face from the metal to metal contact, but the lock was so hard that the drill bit snapped and broke before she could finish the job. "_Katherine! Katherine! _The drill broke! What do we do? What do we do?"

"There are C-4 plastic explosives in the bag... use one! Do you know how to arm it?" Katherine shouted.

"Of course I do!" Elena shouted. "I have all five seasons of _La Femme Nikita_ on DVD! I think I know how to arm a simple fucking C-4 explosive by now!" Elena dug frantically through the bag and pulled out the explosives, stuck the plastique to the lock, set the timer for ten seconds, and then ran out of the vault and covered her ears and eyes for the blast. Ten seconds later, the explosion rocked the vault, and the fire alarms and sprinkler system started going off, raining down cold water on everyone as Elena ran back to claim her prize from the detonated lockbox. Sure enough, sitting inside the blown-out box was the _most pointless_ plot device ever: _the moonstone_. She grabbed the goods and ran. With Katherine bitching and holding off the employees at gun point, the soaking wet doppelganger duo made their escape back to the car.

* * *

Katherine hit the gas and they hightailed out of the area, weaving in and out of traffic until they felt they were a safe distance away from the scene of the crime. While Katherine hooted and celebrated, Elena was still panicking and shaking in fear.

"I can't believe you did that!" Elena scolded. "_Armed robbery_ of a bank? Are you _completely_ insane? Are you _trying_ to get me imprisoned or _killed?_ Do you think this is _all a big joke?_"

"Come on, don't be such a Debbie Downer! That was so much _fun!_ We kicked ass!" Katherine hollered.

"They _saw our faces_, Katherine! They're going to track us down - _no_, they're going to track _me_ down, and I'm going to _jail_, thanks to you!" Elena shouted angrily. "How am I supposed to die in the sacrifice if I'm locked up in federal prison? Did you think about that?"

"Just relax! You're still gonna die!" Katherine comforted her. "Nobody's going to jail."

"Yeah? I've already been _arrested_ once, thanks to you! So forgive me if I don't have any confidence in you!" Elena fired back.

"That was an _accident!_" Katherine groaned. "Stop worrying. You're not going to jail. I compelled them all to forget everything just before we left, okay?"

Elena began to cool down a little and catch her breath. "Did you really?"

"Yes, I did," Katherine answered.

"I'd like to believe that... but why didn't you just compel them from the start, like I suggested?" Elena challenged.

"Because that wouldn't have been any _fun!_" Katherine giggled.

"You're _sick_. You truly are deranged," Elena sighed.

"This is a _huge_ fucking win for us," Katherine cheered. "Let's go celebrate! Want to go to the grill and do some bodyshots?"

"_No!_" Elena blasted, even though she felt like having a really, really strong drink.

"Come on, be my doppeldate!" Katherine giggled.

"No! No _doppeldate!_" Elena furiously blasted, exasperated by Katherine's antics almost to the point of tears. "I need a _doppelectomy_ after tonight!"

"That hurts, Elena. It really does," Katherine said sadly. "Neither of us can deny that we're starting to bond here. We're on our way to becoming BFF's."

Elena buried her face in her hands. "Just drive me home, please."

"Okay," Katherine sighed. "I'll just hit you up on Twitter later."

Elena's heart had finally begun to settle down when she noticed something odd about the night sky. There were flashes of light; red and blue lights to be precise, and they were coming from behind the car. Elena looked over her shoulder and her heart kicked into high gear once more. "Katherine! There's a police car behind us with their lights on!" Elena announced with fright. "And now the siren is on! Oh, I am _so screwed!_"

Katherine nonchalantly glanced up at her rear view mirror. "I'll take care of it. Don't worry," Katherine said calmly as she whipped the steering wheel, and Elena screamed when they took a corner at such a high speed that the car briefly went up on two wheels. They peeled down the freeway with the police chasing after them in a high-speed pursuit. Elena lost all her composure and let fly with a barrage of insults.

"Are you _fucking crazy?_ Running from the cops!" Elena blasted.

"Running is what I do best," Katherine said.

"You said you compelled them!" Elena blasted.

"I did," Katherine insisted.

"Then _why the fuck_ are we being chased by police?" Elena demanded.

"Because this car is stolen," Katherine said nonchalantly.

"It's not funny, Katherine! This is so _not_ fucking funny!" Elena shouted. She slapped herself in the face. "Wake up, Elena! it's all a nightmare! Wake up, Elena! It's all a dream! None of this is real! Wake up, Elena!"

"I told you to relax! I got this," Katherine said. "Here! Take the wheel for a minute." Katherine grabbed Elena's hand and forcefully clasped it onto the wheel. Before Elena realized what was going on, Katherine had spun around in the driver's seat and stuck her head out the window, all while keeping her foot slammed down on the gas pedal. Elena was bug-eyed in terror; she screamed until she was blue in the face, panic-stricken, while she desperately tried to control the car as it careened recklessly down the freeway in excess of a hundred miles per hour. And then, as if all of that wasn't enough, there were gunshots.

"_Tell me you're not shooting at the police! Tell me you're not shooting at the police!_" Elena yelled at the top of her lungs, her voice getting worn ragged.

"Relax, I'm just gonna shoot out their tires! No big deal," Katherine shouted as she hung halfway out of the car.

"We're gonna crash! Get back in here and _drive this fucking car!_" Elena pleaded frantically. Her adrenaline was pumping so hard she thought her head might pop off.

Katherine fired off three more rounds before running out of bullets. Shooting out tires during a high speed chase proved to be much more difficult than it was in the movies, and the police kept chasing them with sirens and lights blazing. Finally, Katherine ducked back into the car and took over the steering wheel. She suddenly veered off the freeway and onto a side road, heading up a steep incline. Elena knew the area. It was the big hill next to Wickery Bridge.

"Where the hell are you going?" Elena blasted.

"We're going to lose them," Katherine said.

"How? They're still behind us!" Elena shouted.

"We're going to jump out," Katherine said calmly.

"_No fuckin' way!_ We are _not_ gonna jump from a car that's doing a hundred miles per hour!" Elena screeched.

"Then _I'll jump_. You just hang on to me," Katherine said. "When we get to the top of the hill. Ready?"

Elena tucked the moonstone between her breasts, unclasped her seatbelt, and breathed deeply. Katherine jammed the gas pedal to keep it floored. Then Elena climbed into Katherine's arms and on the count of three, Katherine kicked the door open and they jumped out. Elena screamed and hugged on tightly to Katherine, who absorbed the impact as they hit the ground and rolled through a field of tall grass. They watched the empty car speed down the hill towards the bridge, until it finally went off the road, crashed, and sank into the lake. The police cluelessly chased the empty car with no idea that the occupants made it out safely.

"_Yeah!_ We did it!" Katherine cheered. "That was awesome! We should do this more often!"

The doppelgangers remained clasped together in a tight embrace. Elena was so livid, terrified, stressed out, and out of breath all at once that her vocal cords froze up such that she could barely speak, and since the jump, she never once moved her arms which seemed to be permanently fused around Katherine's torso, still hanging on for dear life.

"You fucking... you fucking... you... _fuck_," Elena stammered. "This is the _last time_ I ever trust you," Elena gasped between heavy breaths. "Why couldn't you just pull the damn car over and compel the police?"

"I could have, but that wouldn't have been any _fun_," Katherine panted.

"You _bitch_..." Elena gasped. "You _knew_... _you knew_ how it all would go down, didn't you?"

"If I told you we were basically going to rob a bank at gunpoint, would you have agreed?" Katherine asked.

"No..." Elena panted.

"You were great, though," Katherine panted. "You were really... full of Petrova fire. And when I saw you arm that explosive, it really turned me on..."

"You were a real HBIC, too," Elena panted. "The way you told that guy to hump the floor... that was classic... whoa... can't catch my breath... it'll be a year before my heart slows down."

"I can hear it beating. It's beautiful," Katherine said, enamoured by the sound.

"What a rush... I can't breathe... my heart is pounding... adrenaline pumping... I can feel the blood coursing through my veins... every single nerve ending... all tingly..." Elena panted. "I've never felt so... so..."

"Alive?" Katherine offered.

"Yeah, alive..." Elena panted. "And so... so..."

Katherine rolled over on top of Elena and they came face to face. "Horny?"

"_Yeah_..." Elena breathed hard. First their lips touched once, slowly, and then the momentum built up until they were kissing feverishly, and what started as mere curiosity became a burning passion of twin Petrova flames; a raging fire of doppelganger desire. They wasted no time in peeling themselves out of their fire-sprinkler soaked clothes, enjoying every inch of each others' bodies which they already knew as their own, but _not_. It felt so familiar, yet unique, and unlike any pleasure either had ever experienced before.

"_Finally!_ My dry spell _ends tonight!_ That was a _scary_ couple of weeks..." Katherine thought to herself as she fell into the throes of passion with Elena.

"Wow, you weren't kidding. Your boobs _really are_ the best," Elena admitted, holding the bare evidence in her hands. "I'm _so_ jealous right now..."

"Told you. You can't compete with _these_," Katherine moaned.

"You had it all planned out, didn't you?" Elena asked. "The armed robbery... grand theft auto... all of that was what? Part of a plan to seduce me?"

"_That_ was the foreplay," Katherine said between kisses. "_This_ is the main event."

"You're a complete fucking lunatic, you know that, right..." Elena moaned and quivered under her doppelganger's expert touch. "If you tell _anyone_ about this, I will absolutely kill you."

"You're so hot when you make threats," Katherine purred as she sling-shot Elena's panties into the air. "Told ya you wouldn't need them."

"But... no fangs, okay?" Elena suggested nervously.

"_No rules_, Elena," Katherine said with a smile, revealing two pointed canines. Elena gulped hard.

* * *

After the long night of moonstone shenanigans and uninhibited doppelsex in an open field beneath the starry skies, Katherine stole _another_ expensive and rare sports car in order to give Elena a ride home. Upon arriving back at the Gilbert house, Elena thanked her for the ride and headed away, only to remember that she left the moonstone in the car, so she turned back. Katherine rolled the window down and held out the tragically pointless stone, but when Elena went to reach for it, she jerked it back.

"No long winded goodnight?" Katherine asked.

"What do you want me to say, Katherine? The girly sex was amazing but I have to go die now," Elena said cynically.

"Elena, about _us_..." Katherine began.

Elena held her hand up in protest. "_Please don't_. I can't do this."

"But Elena, when will we get to see each other again?" Katherine tried again.

"Please, can I just have my moonstone?" Elena held her hand out, palm up.

"Fine. Here." Katherine begrudgingly dropped the moonstone into Elena's hand.

Elena took the stone. "Thank you. At least one of the benefits of me being dead is that I'll never have to look at or hear about this ugly rock ever again."

"Tell Klaus I said he can kiss my ass!" Katherine shouted out the window as she revved up the car and sped away.


	15. Pour Some Sugar on Me

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 15: POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME**

* * *

After another late-night Twitter marathon, Elena rolled out of bed at three in the afternoon, stepped over the candy bar wrappers scattered on her bedroom floor, got dressed, and immediately drove to the local convenience store for her daily fix of chocolate cupcakes, cookies, candy bars, gummy-fruity things, and soda. Her sugar cravings had spiraled out of control. The more stressful things got, the more irritable she became, and the more she became reliant on the constant sugar high to maintain her sanity. The problem was that she had crossed the threshold, and the sugar no longer brought her a rush of energetic bliss; rather, like a junkie, she needed the sugar just to keep herself from feeling sick and going through withdrawal symptoms.

"Back for more already?" the cashier asked cheekily.

Elena dumped her basket full of sweets in front of the cashier. "Gimme a bag of M&M's and a bag of Skittles, too," she said. "And a strawberry slushee... _extra syrup_."

The cashier observed Elena's pale face, red eyes, and disheveled hair. "Look... I hate to say this because you're my best customer," he said, "but well... don't you think you've had enough, little lady?"

Elena became so furious that she reached over the counter and grabbed the cashier by his collar. "_Listen!_ _I'll tell you_ when I've had enough! I give you the cash, you give me the sweets! _Without_ any judgement, questions, strange sideways glances, or wise ass comments! That's how we do this!" She shoved the cashier back, reached into the pocket of her jeans and angrily slapped a twenty dollar bill down on the counter. "So are you going to ring me up, or do I have to turn to the black market and find a dealer on the streets?"

"Yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry," the cashier apologized.

Elena couldn't wait any longer; she ravenously bit into a cookie and glared at the cashier while he rang up the sale. "And hurry up with that slushee!" She feverishly barked orders at the cashier with crumbs flying from her mouth.

* * *

When Elena returned home carrying a bag of sweets in each hand, something felt odd as she stepped into the house. She expected the house to be empty, so she was extremely surprised to find that a group of people had assembled in the living room: Jeremy, Jenna, Bonnie, and Caroline were there, along with two gray haired men in white coats.

"What's going on, guys?" Elena asked.

"Elena, why don't you come sit down with us?" Jenna asked. Elena hesitantly complied and took a seat on the sofa next to Jeremy. "Elena, we're your friends and family, and we all care about you and love you very much..." Jenna went on. "We're only here to help you."

Elena looked puzzled. "Help me with what?"

"Elena, this has gone far enough," Jeremy said. "You're talking to your mirror again..."

Elena rolled her eyes. "The ghost of Jonas Martin lives in my mirror, okay!" she fumed. "Bonnie knows! Bonnie believes me!"

Bonnie shrugged. "Sorry Elena. That story is just too far-fetched, even for me to believe."

"_Bonnie!_" Elena scoffed. "Okay, so what? If I want to talk to my mirror, that's my business!"

"It's not just about the mirror, Elena," Jeremy continued. "You're up all night on Twitter, you can't stop eating cupcakes and drinking Coke. You're completely addicted to sugar! Your bedroom looks like a landfill with all of the candy wrappers and soda cans in there..."

"_I am not addicted!_" Elena blasted. "I can quit _whenever_ I want! I just _don't want to_ quit!" Elena was so angered that she just couldn't help herself. She pulled a half-melted chocolate bar from out of her pocket and chomped on it furiously while the intervention group watched her slip further down the sugary spiral of addiction.

"It's not just the sweets, though, Elena," Jeremy continued. "You're running around with this Elijah guy who nobody knows anything about..."

"How could you cheat on poor Stefan?" Jenna complained. "He's such a nice boy!"

"I've never cheated on Stefan, okay! Girly sex doesn't qualify as cheating!" Elena blasted, her eyes ablaze with defiance. Jenna and Jeremy shot each other concerned glances. "You're all going crazy on me!"

Everyone in the room shot each other concerned glances. "Sure... _everyone else_ is crazy... but you're fine," Caroline went on. "Elena, this is the pattern of a very delusional and sick mind."

"Caroline, I can't believe you're in on this too?" Elena fired back. "We're supposed to stick up for each other as BFF's!"

Caroline became agitated. "Don't _BFF_ me! Matt confessed to me how you propositioned him for sex the other night at the grill! How could you, Elena?"

"Yeah, the same night you did the strip tease that ended up on the internet and got you arrested," Jeremy added.

"That wasn't me! It was _Katherine!_" Elena shouted vehemently, throwing her arms in the air. "Katherine is behind it! She's _always_ behind it! She's out to ruin my life!"

"Elena, you can't keep blaming all of your problems on Katherine. You just can't," Jeremy said calmly. "Enough is enough. Sooner or later you're going to have to step up and accept responsibility for your own actions."

"Along with your indecent exposure and lewd behavior charges," Jenna added.

Elena jumped out of her seat, foaming at the mouth with anger and disbelief. "They're _not_ my actions! They're Katherine's! _She's_ the deranged doppelganger! _I'm_ the good one! This is _lunacy!_ You're all against me!"

The two gray-haired men seemed very interested in Elena's maniacal behavior. "Who is this _Katherine_ person?" one of the men asked Jenna. "Some kind of imaginary friend that Elena made up?" Jenna nodded affirmatively.

"Just give us the drugs, Elena," Jeremy said. "Whatever you're on, we don't want to judge you. We just want to help you get clean."

Elena reached the breaking point and she went into an animated frenzy, jumping and flailing about. "I am _not on drugs!_" she blasted. "You're all _crazy! _I'm leaving this town and I'm _never_ coming back! I'm moving in with Elijah!"

"Again with this mysterious Elijah guy," Jeremy said. "Elena, you don't even know him or what his true motives are!"

"Elijah treats me with _respect!_" Elena blasted, pointing her finger. "That's more than I can say for all of you! My relationship with Elijah might be the best thing I have going!"

"Elena, your relationship with Elijah is entirely based on _you dying!_" Jeremy challenged.

"Yeah, well, I'm not looking for a long term commitment anyway!" Elena fired back.

"Elena, this is Dr. Anderson and Dr. Cooper," Jenna explained, indicating the men with white coats. "They're doctors. Doctors of psychiatric medicine, from the mental institution. They'd like to give you a tour of the facility and sit down and have a nice little chat with you."

Elena backed away apprehensively. "Oh, this is _total bullshit!_ No way are you quacks gonna lock me up in some mental ward! _No way!_" Elena cackled maniacally.

"We'd better get a straight jacket on her. She's _highly_ unstable," Dr. Anderson said to Dr. Cooper, who nodded in agreement.

"_No fuckin' way! You'll never take me alive!_" Elena screamed. She dropped her bags of sweets and made a run for it, while the group chased after her. With no path of escape, she bolted up the stairs, and then up another short stairway into the attic. She slammed the attic door behind her and with a grunt, she pushed a heavy old trunk in front of the door in a desperate attempt to block herself in. The group began furiously pounding away at the door, begging and pleading for her to come out. Elena knew she couldn't hold them off for much longer, so as a last resort, she pried open the attic window and climbed out onto the roof of the house. By that time, the group had burst through Elena's barricade and invaded the attic. "Stay back!" Elena shouted from the roof. She skittered away nervously across the rooftop, moving towards the front of the house. Elena's stomach knotted when she looked over the edge of the roof and saw just how high up she was. "Come any closer and I'll jump! I swear, I'll do it!" she threatened.

"Elena?" a familiar voice called out, not from the attic, but from the ground below. Elena peered down to see the leather-jacketed figure looking up from the front lawn. She had never been so happy to see him.

"_Damon!_" Elena called out, a new found sense of relief in her voice.

Damon looked up, cupping his hand over his eyes to block out the afternoon sun. "What the hell are you doing up on the roof?" he asked.

"I'm being chased by _idiots_ from a mental ward who want to take me away in a straight jacket!" Elena blasted. "You've got to help me!"

"What can I do?" he asked.

"Maybe you can distract them... get them out of the house..." she said, "compel those doctors to leave me alone... and then... when the coast is clear, I'll... WHAAAAAA!" Elena suddenly lost her footing on the sharp incline of the roof and she slipped, screaming in terror as she rolled, tumbling down the slope and accelerating in speed until she hit the gutter rail and bounced off of it, spinning and twisting like an Olympic skier doing aerials, screaming her lungs out for the entire length of the two-story fall, until finally, she landed with a cushioned blow as her back arched across Damon's waiting arms, her hair thrown back over the grass, her head merely inches away from hitting the ground.

"It's Salvatore... as in _savior_," Damon said coolly.

Elena breathed heavily and looked up at his face which was just inches from hers. She stared in awe and humbled silence, and her eyes shifted down to his lips, and she let her eyes shut, thinking that if he kissed her right now, she would have gladly accepted it, and it would have been so _perfect_.

Of course, it _would have_ been perfect if _something_ happened... if _anything_ happened, but it didn't. Elena peeled her eyes open in frustration. "_Well?_" she panted.

"Well what?" Damon asked.

"Well... aren't you going to kiss me?" Elena asked impatiently.

"What?" Damon asked incredulously, still holding her up from the ground.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?" Elena repeated with irritability creeping back into her voice.

Damon frowned. "No."

Elena glared. "Why the hell not?"

"Once bitten, twice shy," Damon explained. "I think you've already made it clear that it's always gonna be Stefan, blah blah blah..."

Furious, Elena inhaled deeply and let fly an incredible rant in a single breath: "_Damon!_ You're _totally_ ruining the moment! I _don't_ want to hear this _nonsense!_ I _don't_ want to hear my own _ignorant_ teenage ramblings being thrown back at me! _What I want_ is _your lips on mine_ and I want it to be _amazing_ and done _properly_, _right here and now,_ with you holding me up, inches off the ground after I've just fallen _two stories_, nearly to my_ tragic and untimely death,_ and you've just saved my life in an _incredibly_ _dramatic climax_, sort of like it _almost_ could have happened in the books and _should have_ happened on television, but _never did!_ Here we are, caught up in this _perfect, epic_ and _romantic_ moment and you're just going to let it _pass by_, without so much as _making a move?_ I mean... _what the hell?_ Because of some _inane and nonsensical_ notion of _deserving_ love? Because of some idiotic, idealistic high school _fairy-tale fantasy drivel_ I blurted out about how it's 'always' gonna be Stefan, when actually _I'm only seventeen,_ and I've only known Stefan for a short time, and I have absolutely _no concept_ of what 'always' _really _means, and _my own simplistic idea_ of 'always' has to be like a billion times _shorter _than _your idea_ of 'always,' since our life spans and experience are _completely different_ with the whole human versus vampire issue? Well, I _won't_ stand for it, I'm _not_ gonna take it, and I _won't_ let you make any _excuses_ to back away from _this_, our incredibly _special_ moment together, when _everyone else_ in the world is out to fuck me over and the _only_ solace I've found so far is right here _in your arms!_ I've forgiven you for _every single_ wrong you've ever done to me, but I'm telling you... Damon, I swear on the damned curse of the sun and moon, if you don't kiss me _right now_, I will _never_, ever, ever-"

"_Shut up!_" Damon groaned. He kissed her once, fully on the mouth, and it was every bit as perfect as she wanted, and she sighed and sank into it like a balloon slowly being deflated of air. When it was over, her cocoa brown eyes turned glassy with delirious desire.

"_Wow!_" Elena sighed in awe. "_Epic._"

"You're all sticky and sweet... like artificial strawberry flavoring," Damon said drolly. "And chocolate. Lots of chocolate."

With a bang, the angry mob charged out of the Gilbert house. "There she is! Get her!" the psychiatrists shouted as they ran, brandishing the white straight jacket that they intended to carry Elena away in.

Elena and Damon were shaken out of their stupor. "Angry villagers with pitchforks! Let's get out of here!" Damon gasped. He and Elena made a run for it, circling around the house and then back to the street where Damon's car was parked. They were on the home stretch, a mere twenty feet away from the car, when they were suddenly blindsided by an old man dressed in khakis and a safari pith helmet who sprang up from the bushes, aiming a rifle. There was a bang from the rifle, and Elena screamed and fell onto the grass with a grunt, face first.

"Oy got 'er, mate! Oy got 'er!" the old man cheered, stroking the waxed tips of his white handlebar mustache.

Damon spun around and scooped Elena off the ground. "_Elena!_ Stay with me..."

Damon knelt there, heartbroken, as he felt Elena's body going limp in his arms. "Damon..." she hoarsely groaned. "Don't avenge my death. Don't... avenge... my..." She went silent and her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

Jenna, Jeremy, and Caroline came running to the scene. "Oh my God! They killed Elena!" Jenna cried.

_"You bastards!_" Jeremy shouted to the heavens.

"You were supposed to take her alive... _alive!_" Caroline sobbed. "_Why, God! Why!_"

Jenna broke into wet, snotty tears. "Give us the corpse, Damon! We're her family!"

"She's _not dead_," Damon groaned, yanking the tiny tranquilizer dart out of Elena's back. Spewing a string of curses, Damon hoisted her unconscious body over his shoulder, sped his way to the car, dumped her in the passenger seat, and drove her away from the insanity.


	16. Love Me Two Times

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 16: LOVE ME TWO TIMES**

* * *

Elena woke up in the passenger seat of Damon's Camaro and groggily rubbed her eyes. She felt like she had been hit over the head with a bag of bricks. "What happened?" she grumbled.

Damon peered over with one hand on the wheel. "While we were escaping from the angry sugar intervention group, you were shot with a tranquilizer dart by an escaped mental patient who happened to be on safari in your backyard," he explained.

"Good grief," Elena yawned. "Can you believe they want to put me in a mental institution? Anyway, thanks for saving my life so that I can ultimately be killed in the sacrifice. Where are we going?"

Damon nodded and looked around at the street signs. "Right now? In circles. Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know," Elena said. "Have you noticed that aside from my house, your house, and the grill, there's really nowhere else to go in this podunk town?"

"I _have_ noticed that, and it's getting to be annoying," Damon said. "Anyway, we can't go back to the boarding house. I need to get away from Stefan for a while."

"Why? Is he crying again?" Elena asked.

"No. He's just a pain in the ass," Damon answered. Elena nodded knowingly.

With one hand on the wheel, Damon looked over at her curiously. "So what's left? I guess there's always the tomb... or worse, the high school."

Elena cringed and her body shook with a vile shiver. "Ugh! School? No thanks! Let's just go to the grill! At least we can get drunk."

Damon hit the gas. "That's what I'm thinking."

* * *

Damon and Elena walked into Mystic Grill, a.k.a. "the only public place to hang out in town," and headed right for the bar.

"Hey, this kind of reminds me of the time we went to Bree's bar in Atlanta," Elena said. "I still don't understand how you could have slept with that seven foot tall beast with man-hands."

"_Somebody_ sounds jealous," Damon quipped as they sat down at the bar.

"I am _not_ jealous!" Elena whined. "I'm just wondering where your head was at."

"In my pants, obviously," Damon answered.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asked.

"Something fruity and sweet for me," Elena said.

"How about a strawberry daiquiri?" the bartender asked.

"Fine, but double the strength and sugar it up a bit," Elena instructed.

"I'm gonna need to see some ID," the bartender said.

"Since when?" Elena whined. "You serve underage kids constantly in here!"

"You don't need to see any ID," Damon compelled the bartender with a wave of his hand. "These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along now." The bartender nodded and got to work on the drink.

"Thanks, Obi Wan," Elena teased.

"See what you've reduced me to? Using Jedi mind tricks to buy alcohol for a minor." Damon looked up and noticed a familiar face across the bar. "Hey, isn't that..."

Elena looked over at the man in the well-tailored Italian suit. "_Elijah,_" she sighed dreamily.

"_Mister twelve dollar coffee_ himself," Damon said bitterly.

Elijah spun around on his bar stool. "Hello, Miss Gilbert; Mister Salvatore. I trust this afternoon finds you well," With a flip of his hair, he threw back the last of his gin and tonic and stood up.

Damon jumped up from his stool and fearlessly stared down Elijah. The tension in the air between them was as thick and cold as Elena's strawberry daiquiri. "You can just save the English gentleman crap, 'cause it's not fooling me. What are you still doing here?" Damon challenged.

"Protecting the doppelganger, of course," Elijah said nonchalantly. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Protecting _Elena_," Damon fired back. "Guess that's just another difference between you and me."

"Ooh, _zing!_ Damon one; Elijah zero!" Elena clapped her hands and cheered, sipping her drink through a curly straw. "No offense, Elijah, but he _totally_ owned you on that one."

"You heard her, tough guy: _owned_. Your services are _not_ needed here," Damon boasted.

Elijah nodded in concession. "Fair enough. A gentleman knows when he's been bested. I bow to your skills, good sir."

"So then _leave_ already!" Damon blasted. "I got this."

"Damon! No need to be _rude!_" Elena scolded.

"Oh, I know _you got this_. That's been my assessment from the start," Elijah said with a smirk. "That's why I allow you to live. You make my job just a little bit... _easier_."

"Guys, come on! I don't want you fighting over me!" Elena interjected.

"Okay mister protector, _where were you_ when she fell off the roof this afternoon?" Damon challenged.

"Close enough," Elijah said vaguely.

"Apparently _not_ close enough, because _I'm the one_ who saved her, while you were nowhere to be found," Damon said.

"I was simply looking to avoid an embarrassing scenario where we'd bump into each other like two clueless outfielders chasing a fly ball," Elijah humbly explained.

"Oh that is such _bullshit!_" Damon whined. "Admit it! You blew it today! You were a no-show! There's nothing you can do for her that I haven't done already!"

"Guys, please! Don't make a scene!" Elena pleaded, slurping into her second daiquiri.

"Very well. According to Miss Gilbert's wishes, I'll be on my merry way now." He turned to Elena. "Miss Gilbert, when shall I expect you to join me at my humble estate?"

"Um... can you pick me up tomorrow the morning?" Elena asked.

"Absolutely!" Elijah confirmed and turned back to Damon. "Well then, the lady has made her choice. _You cannot beat me_," he said smugly.

"We'll see about that," Damon said threateningly. "You were dead before. We can make you dead again."

"I bid you both good afternoon, then..." Elijah walked away, leaving Damon fuming mad, and Elena two drinks closer to inebriation and an eventual sugar coma.

Damon pounded his fist on the bar so hard their drinks jumped a little bit. "I _can't believe_ you did that! After all of that, after everything we've been through, you're still going to run off with that smug jackass?" he growled.

"He's _not_ a jackass! You already know I'm going to follow this through, so don't give me a hard time about it!" Elena whined.

"Elena, he's a _fraud_ and a liar! He's all for show! _Nothing_ at all of any substance! You think he won't totally sell you out to Klaus in a heartbeat?" Damon shook his head.

"I already _know_ he's selling me out to Klaus! I'm cool with it!" Elena whined.

"Oh, this is just _too much!_" Damon threw back a swig of beer.

"I like him, okay!" Elena whined. "You don't know Elijah like I do. Beneath his genteel exterior he's passionate, and warm, and caring, and-"

"Aw, just shut up, Elena! If he was an older, uglier guy you'd think he's a creep and you wouldn't even talk to him! You know it's true!" Damon's phone rang in the middle of his rant and he paused to answer it: "Yeah yeah, Stef, what is it now? Another spider in your room that you need me to kill for you?"

"Damon! Elena's _dead!_" Stefan whimpered. "She was shot in her back yard this afternoon! It's all over Twitter! ElenaGilbertRIP is trending worldwide!"

"Elena's _not_ dead! She's right here!" Damon assured his brother.

There was a pause in Stefan's sobbing. "She's not dead?"

"No! She just got shot with a tranquilizer dart by a fat mental patient! She's fine," Damon hurriedly explained.

"But... what's she doing with you?" Stefan whined.

"We're just getting drinks," Damon said.

"Oh really? Then why is ElenaGilbertSlut also trending right now?" Stefan demanded.

"How the hell should I know? Ask her," Damon spat.

"_Oh my God..._" Stefan whimpered and choked up and began to openly weep, just before the phone clicked.

"What did he say?" Elena asked curiously.

"Nothing important," Damon shrugged. "Just something about you being a dead slut on Twitter, or something like that."

"_What's that supposed to mean?_" Elena blasted, just as her own phone began to ring. It was Stefan. She answered right away: "Hi Stefan..."

"Elena! Everyone on the interwebs are saying you kissed Damon! What's up with that?" Stefan whined.

Elena scowled. "Uh oh... well, _the interwebs_ are a notoriously unreliable source of information, you know..."

"But the film footage is all over YouTube!" Stefan whined. "You kissed Damon! Everyone's bashing you and calling you a slut right now!"

"Damn it! What the fuck is their problem?" Elena blasted. "It was a sweet, near-death moment shared between two people who are very close, alright! _Tweet that_, and put all those _whiny little bitches_ in their place! Guh! My love life is _none of their business!_"

"_Oh my God, so it's true... it's all true!_ I was hoping those videos were _manips!_" Stefan began sobbing uncontrollably, and he had to hang up. Shortly after, both Elena's and Damon's phones began ringing simultaneously. They looked at each other curiously as they answered their respective phones, almost in unison.

"Alright, what's going on between you two?" Stefan demanded.

Elena and Damon shared inquisitive glances at each other. "How are you on the phone with _both_ of us at the same time?" Damon asked.

"I got a second phone. I figured it would double my productivity, since all I do is make calls lately." Stefan stomped around the boarding house, holding a cell phone to each ear. "So what's going on with you two? Let's get it out in the open right now!"

Elena and Damon traded icky frowns. Elena shook her head.

"Can't you two wait to discuss this after I'm dead? It would really be helpful," Elena suggested.

"Sorry Stef, we're not going there tonight," Damon said and hung up.

"Elena, wait!" Stefan pleaded.

"_Not now_, Stefan! I've got to go!" Elena snarled, sipping her icy and sweet drink. "I needed to be drunk like fifteen minutes ago, and I'm _not even_ halfway there yet!"

"Elena, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you'll always be _my lovely little lovely love-love_," Stefan crooned.

"Please don't ever call me that again," Elena groaned. "That is such a face-palm worthy epithet it's not even funny. It's incredibly embarrassing for me to hear it, and it should be equally embarrassing for you to say it. I wish you could see how desperately I'm facepalming myself right now, because it would really illustrate my point."

Stefan broke into a sob and ended the call. Elena sighed with relief, but her phone immediately started ringing again. "_Yeah, what now..._" she answered with disinterest.

"Hey girly girl! I heard you finally made out with Damon. Congratulations!" Katherine cheered.

Elena sighed. "We didn't _make out_. It was just a tender moment shared in a crisis."

"Nevertheless, I can't help but feel the slightest bit proud of you right now. But you've got _tremendous work_ to do if you're going to follow in my footsteps and become a full-fledged HBIC sex goddess," Katherine said.

Elena sighed. "I have no intention of following in your footsteps, Katherine."

"Fine! Be like that!" Katherine snapped. "And by the way, I don't want you seeing Damon anymore. I want you to _remove him_ from your life, starting _right now!_"

"Katherine, I'm not '_seeing'_ Damon," Elena groaned.

"Oh. That's good... but why did you make Stefan cry then?" Katherine asked.

Elena sighed. "It's not my fault! He cries over every little thing lately. He cries if his shoe comes untied! Besides, Damon started it."

"You can't blame me for this," Damon said, sipping his beer.

"Oh," Katherine said. "Well, I'm going shopping, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me? I want us to get matching dresses for the Lockwood ball."

"I can't right now. I'm having drinks with Damon, and I'll be dead soon," Elena said. "I've got to go, okay?"

"No no! Wait! _Oh God... why is this is so difficult..._" Katherine muttered. "Elena, will we be able to get together again before you die?"

"I don't think so. Today's my last day in Mystic Falls. I'm moving in with Elijah tomorrow," Elena explained.

"But what about our doppeldate at the Lockwood ball?" Katherine asked sadly.

"Sorry, but I guess I'll have to cancel on account of my impending death," Elena said. There was an extended period of silence. "Katherine? Did you hear me?"

"I heard you..." Katherine said, her voice quivering. "I just... _oh God..._"

"Katherine, are you _crying_?" Elena asked in disbelief.

"No! Of course not! I'm not _crying_ over your inevitable death! Are you crazy? Bitch, please! I'll snap your neck like a twig and you know it!" Katherine hurriedly shot back, and then her voice sweetened up: "But when are we going to do something together, just the two of us?"

"I don't know Katherine. Anyway, I can't talk now. I've got to go."

"Wait, Elena!" Katherine pleaded. "What about later tonight? Are you busy? I'll pick you up. I stole a killer Maserati this morning. Want to go for a ride? I thought we could knock over a bank or a jewelry store and then, you know... spend the night together."

"Uh oh.. Katherine... my phone... breaking up... battery... dying... gotta go." Elena abruptly hung up the phone and slipped it into her pocked.

"Ah, the fake cell phone break up scam. Classic! But that's no way to treat your new BFF," Damon teased.

"We're _not_ BFF's!" Elena blasted. "We find each other highly annoying, but strangely alluring. We're frenemies with benefits at best."

"Benefits?"

Elena slapped her hand on the bar. "Hey bartender, make me something with coconut in it and one of those cute little umbrellas on top! Hurry!"

"_What kind_ of benefits?" Damon repeated, drinking his beer.

Elena squinted. "Um... never mind that part. We're just frenemies who enjoy committing armed robbery together for the adrenaline rush and the way it turns us on sexually."

"You're getting tipsy," Damon said.

Elena spun around on her stool repeatedly. "Not enough! Damon, it's my last night in Mystic Falls. Let's get hammered!"

* * *

That night, against his better judgement, Damon took Elena back to her house. The house was dark when they arrived, except for the lone porch light at the front door.

"Are you _really sure_ it's safe to come back here?" Damon asked as they stepped onto the porch. "No one's going to be waiting with straight jackets?"

"It's fine! Stop worrying it," Elena said, her speech slurred.

"You're drunk," Damon said.

"I'm _not drunk!_ I'm hyperactive! Can't you tell the difference?" she whined.

"You do realize that I'm not about to let you go with Elijah," Damon said confidently.

"_Damon!_" Elena blasted. "I've worked _so hard_ to get to the point where I can finally die in the sacrifice! _Don't screw this up for me!_"

"Nope. I'm gonna screw it up," Damon said with a carefree whistle.

"Are you going to come inside, or is this going to turn into another epic porch scene between us?" Elena asked as she unlocked the door.

"Elena, the porch is where all of our cathartic feelings are exposed. That's just the way it is. We _have_ to do this out here," Damon explained.

"Fine!" Elena huffed. "But let's make it short and sweet. I'm getting all bitten up by mosquitoes."

"What was all of that about, earlier today, when you kissed me?" Damon asked.

"I didn't! You kissed me!" Elena huffed.

"But you muscled me into it!" Damon accused.

Elena kept twirling her hair so much that it was starting to resemble Katherine's curly locks. "Look, it's just one of those things, okay? Can we go inside now?" She stepped towards the door but he threw his arm out, blocking her path.

"Not yet. I just have to know something. Why did you spend your last day in Mystic Falls with me, of all people?" Damon asked.

"Well, for one thing, most of my friends and family think I'm insane, except for you," Elena explained. "And because..." She looked away and mumbled her last few words.

Damon frowned. "And because... what? I didn't catch that last part."

"And because I..." Elena sighed and rolled her eyes. "Because I... love you, Damon. Well, goodnight then!" Elena motioned towards the door.

Damon took a more confrontational stance, crowding her at the door. "Wait! You _what_?" he demanded.

"I love you! Guh! Don't get all bent out of shape about it!" Elena blasted.

"Since _when_?" he demanded.

"I don't know! Sometime around the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, I guess! I'm not exactly sure!" Elena blurted out defensively.

"I can't believe this!" Damon sighed in exasperation. "And you were just going to run off to your death without ever telling me? How could you do that?"

Elena looked up at the starry sky, drew in a huge breath, and let fly another epic, sugar-fueled rant: "Because I have a _reputation_, Damon! A reputation to uphold as the _plain jane,_ uninteresting girl next door who happens to be caught up in the world of supernatural phenomena, but who also remains a _perfectly loyal and faithful girlfriend_ to Stefan because we're supposed to be _epic soul mates_ even though we've _never_ been epic at all; it's all very high school, fairy tale, airy, fluffy, romance bullshit _at best_; our relationship had no build up, _has no substance_ and is completely _pointless_, _passionless_, _boring_,and ultimately_ unsustainable_; and Stefan's _constantly lying_ by omission and he even _stalked me_ for months because I look exactly like _Katherine;_ and he spied on me and learned my whole damned routine and invaded my school and figured out _all the right things to say_ to lure me in so he could _fall in love with Katherine all over again_ vicariously through me; although in his eyes I'm like a more palatable, _censored version_ of Katherine that won't offend his _massive_ly _self-righteous,_ _hyper-inflated, overbearing, arrogant,_ incredibly _egotistical self image!_ _That's so much bullshit right there!_ Then I'm supposed to forgive him _instantly_ for _every single transgression,_ even though he's done _far worse things_ than _you and Katherine_ _combined,_ and I'm supposed to not even flinch when Stefan tells me that _he feasted on the blood of my ancestors,_ not for sustenance, but for the _sheer sadistic pleasure_ of killing and _enjoying watching them die horribly_, but I'm supposed to _forget all of it like it never even happened_ because he's still _the good brother!_ _How the fuck does that work?_ Are you people _insane?_ Do you not even realize how twisted and perverted all of this truly is? Meanwhile, _Stefan never even told me_ I looked just like Katherine; I had to find out for myself, of course that was right after I climbed out of his bed and discovered a photograph of Katherine that he _freakishly_ likes to leave out on his nightstand, even _while he's in bed with the doppelganger_ of the person in the photo! And people can't see that this guy is a _deeply disturbed individual?_ I mean... _hello! Fucking wake up, people!_ Did you know that Stefan and I met by the bathroom at school? That's like a set piece from a porno movie! And people think that stalker story is romantic? What kind of a _sicko_ finds that romantic? This is like something out of _Silence of the Lambs!_ But oh no, _I have to stay _with Stefan _till death do us part_ because I'm apparently supposed to have such a martyr complex that I have to be the girl who _sacrifices_ her own happiness for what's 'right' according to some _total bullshit standards;_ and because I very naively said _it's always gonna be Stefan _one time, which I totally regret now because I had no idea how long 'always' really is, and I had no clue what I was getting into and _it totally sucks_ because now I'm _pigeonholed_ as _Saint Stefan's Snow White Virgin Queen _when that's _not even close_ to who I really am as a person! So people think I'm just this simple, mild mannered, do-gooder person who needs to be saved all the time _but I'm not, Damon!_ I'm complicated, and flawed, and feisty, and courageous, and headstrong, and I'm struggling against all odds but I still have to stay true to myself and to my family and friends! And it's like you're the only person who sees this about me, Damon! My character has been _thrown under the bus_ for the glorification of Stefan's image, and now I'm _not allowed_ to do anything or say anything that might hurt poor Stefan's feelings or make him cry without _idiots on the internet_ bashing me! Well, _screw that! _I'm not just gonna lie down and take this bullshit! I kissed you once, Damon, and it was a perfectly sweet thing, done in a _life and death_ crisis of a situation, and now all of these _clueless jerks_ on the internet are labelling me a _super-slut she-beast from hell _who _doesn't deserve_ Saint Stefan's Katherine-based obsessive needy psycho-stalker pseudo-love! Can you believe _the freaking nerve_ of those people? I mean... _damn it!_ I'm just seventeen and I'm still finding myself! Can't those internet assholes just _stay out of my love life_ already! It's so _annoying!_"

"Are you done?" Damon asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Elena said. "Those forum jerks just piss me off sometimes."

Damon shrugged indifferently. "It's probably just a bunch of Stelena shippers getting their panties in a twist again. Who cares?"

"It's not only them, Damon," Elena said. "It's the Bamon shippers, too!"

Damon laughed heartily. "Come on, there's no such thing as Bamon! It's a total _myth!_ It's just something made up to scare young children... like the boogeyman, or ghosts who inhabit bathroom mirrors!"

Elena laughed. "Yeah! Screw that! _There's no such thing as Bamon._ I'll make it my mantra."

"Okay then, so where exactly does that leave us?" Damon asked.

"_Right here_," Elena said, grabbing him aggressively by the shirt collar. "I know what I want, and I don't care what I have to do to get it."

"Are you _sure_?" Damon asked skeptically. "That sounds like something Katherine would say."

"Please, _don't_ be a gentleman! I don't want anything _gentle_ tonight," Elena said suggestively.

"But... I thought you were _Team Slow Burn_," Damon said apprehensively.

Elena groaned. "_We don't have time_ for a slow burn! Look, I'm just going to be blunt here: Tomorrow morning, I'm marching off to my own death. And the truth is that I just don't want to spend my last days regretting that I never jumped your bones," she explained. "This is my last night in Mystic Falls! I just want some dynamite sex, and I don't mind it rough! So are you going to come inside and rock my ovaries or what? Are you in?"

Damon nodded readily. "Oh, hell yeah. I'm in."

They piled onto each other and crashed through the front door, rolled onto the floor, and barely made it past the threshold before the clothes started to fly. Elena ripped at his shirt, sending buttons flying everywhere, and she marveled like a child with a new toy. "I've wanted to do that for _so long_," she panted.

"Whoa... did you learn that move _from Katherine?_" Damon gasped.

"Nevermind where I learned it! Shut up and kiss me!" Elena plundered his mouth with her sugary sweet alcohol-kissed tongue twister.

"I'm sorry, but I just have to ask... are you _really_ Elena?" Damon asked apprehensively. "Because now would be the time to tell me... not that I mind either way at this point. I just want to know what I'm getting."

"I'm _not Kat_, but my claws _will_ come out if you keep hesitating!" Elena grunted and angrily grappled with his belt buckle. "_What the hell_ is the deal with this freaking belt buckle? Why won't the damn thing come off! It's like a padlock! This is _torture!_ This is a _crime_ _against humanity!_ Hurry up and _shed those jeans_ before I get the scissors!"

"I just don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that you're really Katherine and it was all an elaborate hoax again," Damon said. "These doppelganger hijinx are getting out of hand!"

"Just shut up and fuck me against that wall!" Elena furiously demanded, and he wisely complied. "Damon... this house has twelve rooms in it..." she said between kisses. "Do you think we can do it in all of them before morning?"

"_Easily_."


	17. American Girl

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 17: AMERICAN GIRL**

* * *

Stefan spent the entire night wandering through the boarding house, rubbing his hands together, wracked with nervous tension over the thought that he was losing Elena. Sure, she was about to run away on a suicide mission. He had come to terms with that; but what bothered Stefan the most was that he was losing Elena _to Damon_. That was always Stefan's number one fear, and he took every opportunity to paint his brother in a bad light whenever possible to prevent Elena from getting to know the _real_ Damon. Now that the plan had clearly backfired, Stefan was frantic in his search for ideas. "How could this happen?" he asked himself. "I'm the _good brother!_ Elena's just not the type to go for the bad boys. She must be on drugs or something." He paced around anxiously. "I suppose I could become the BAMF... I could start ripping again... then _I_ would be the _bad boy_, and Damon would look like a wussy in comparison." He sighed despondently and poured himself a stiff drink. "Or... I could do another suicide attempt," he thought. "That worked once before when things were rocky between us. But would she talk me down from the ledge again? I don't know. I think she might just go ahead and let me die this time. Too risky._ Damn it!_" He threw his glass into the fireplace out of anger and frustration, smashing it to bits. "Think, Stefan! Think!" he shouted. The clock was ticking. Time was working against him. It was morning already, and sunlight shined through the stained glass panes in the house. "I need a way to keep Elena _away_ from Damon _and_ get her to reinvest her interest in me at the same time... _but how?_"

Being Mr. Nice Guy obviously wasn't working any more, and Stefan decided that if he wanted to keep Elena, he would have to turn to the dark side and do something underhanded and desperate. And suddenly, it hit him like a bolt of lightning; the answer presented itself. He laughed maniacally for coming up with a plan so dark, so vile, so cruel, so despicably _wicked_ that even Aleister Crowley himself would have shuddered at the mere mention of it: _the proposal._ Stefan laughed maniacally. It was so _simple_, yet so effective, it was downright _diabolical_. "All I have to do is propose to her! As soon as I slip that ring on her finger, she'll go gaga for me all over again and kick Damon to the curb! It could work! No;_ it has to_ work! Stefan, you magnificently _evil_ bastard, you've done it again!" He cackled, praising himself.

Stefan glanced at the clock; it was 8:37 a.m. He still had time to catch Elena, but there was yet another problem; the jewelry store wouldn't be open at such an early hour. He needed an engagement ring, and he needed it in a hurry. He ran into his bedroom and rummaged through old boxes of trinkets and junk he had collected over the years, hoping that somewhere in there he would find a suitable ring. But it was hopeless. In one particular box, he found some of Katherine's old necklaces. He had already given one of those lockets to Elena; of course, he never told her that it once belonged to Katherine. A second necklace wouldn't be of much use, but the thought of Katherine jogged his memory. "Katherine! Of course!" he snapped his fingers and ran down the hall to Katherine's room. Luckily, she had already left the house, leaving Stefan free to snoop around through her personal belongings without fear of getting bitched out, stabbed, injected with vervain, or thrown out of a window. Stefan remembered that Katherine kept a shoebox full of engagement rings she had collected over the years; a sort of trophy showcase representing the staggering number of hearts she had broken during her five centuries of existence. Stefan simply went through her closet and plowed through the some seventy-odd shoeboxes in there until he found the heaviest one that jingled when he shook it. Once he found the impressive collection of several thousand rings, he sifted through them all and quickly picked out a nice one, stuffed it into his pocket, and headed for Elena's house.

* * *

Elena awoke in her bed and let out a big yawn. What a night! Sure, the sex was hot enough to peel the paint off the walls, but it left her with a huge problem sleeping right next to her: _Damon_. She had to find a way to get rid of him before Elijah showed up, or things were bound to get crazy.

"Hey, are you awake?" Elena asked with a hushed voice, nudging him by the shoulder. "Damon?"

"Too early," he grumbled. "You wore me out. Have to feed first."

"That's not what I... never mind," Elena said. "Don't you think you should _go home_ now? Stefan might figure out you're with me."

"Just history repeating itself... no big deal," Damon yawned.

"Yeah, but... maybe we should at least try to keep it a secret for a while, if only for the sake of keeping the peace," Elena explained.

"Less talk; more sleep," Damon groaned.

"Okay, I'm going to go downstairs and get some orange juice," Elena said. She slipped out of bed, wrapped herself in her pink bathrobe, and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. It wasn't long before Jonas materialized, chuckling amusedly to himself.

"So, you're sleeping with Damon, eh?" Jonas asked, grinning wide.

"Not now, Jonas," Elena huffed.

"Everyone knew it would happen eventually," Jonas chuckled.

"Not now, Jonas!" Elena huffed louder.

"You're really getting around lately," Jonas chuckled. "You trying to break Katherine's record or something?"

"_Not now, Jonas!_" Elena shouted and splashed water on the mirror. "I'm moving in with Elijah today!"

"Oh, good for you girl!" Jonas praised her.

"So I guess this is goodbye," Elena said.

"Yeah, I guess so," Jonas said. "Well, you take care of yourself, kid. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with myself when you're gone. Your bathroom is a lonely place when you're not in it."

"I'm sure you'll find something," Elena said. "I'll miss you, Jonas."

"Really?" he asked, surprised.

"No," Elena said. "It just seemed like a nice thing to say. The truth is, you'll be the absolute furthest thing from my mind when I'm about to get my veins sucked dry by Klaus."

"Yeah, I hear that. Well, maybe I'll appear to Jeremy and freak him out a bit," Jonas chuckled.

"Don't you dare!" Elena spat.

"Relax; I'm kidding!" Jonas laughed.

"Alright then. Goodbye, Jonas," Elena said on her way out. She took her melted hairbrush to pack along with the rest of her personal belongings.

"Give 'em hell, kid! Give 'em hell," Jonas called after her. He waited until Elena was gone before he finally broke down in tears.

* * *

Elena cinched her bathrobe tight and opened the refrigerator to get the carton of orange juice. She was pouring herself a glass at the counter when somebody sneaked up and hugged her from behind. Startled, she turned her head, only for her lips to be met with a deep kiss. "_Katherine!_" she gasped.

"Hello, lover," Katherine giggled, taking a startled Elena firmly into her arms.

"You shouldn't be here... we could get caught!" Elena admonished nervously, careful to keep her voice down.

"That makes it so much _fun_," Katherine giggled.

"No, it's not fun! It's making me nervous!" Elena protested. "What if Jenna comes home and sees us kissing? How would I explain that?"

"Look, I know you're afraid to be seen with me," Katherine said. "But we have to live our lives! We can't stay in the closet about this forever! I want us to just come out and announce it to the whole world: yes, we're doppelgangers, and we're lovers, and anyone who has a problem with it can just go _straight to hell!_"

Elena shook her head. "It's not that, it's just..."

"What's this?" Katherine curiously sniffed at the collar of Elena's bathrobe. "Ooh, I smell Damon on you! You're really following in my footsteps! I'm so proud of you!"

Elena turned red in the face. "You're crazy," she said sheepishly.

"Come on, you can't fool a seasoned pro like me! You did sleep with Damon! I can hear your ovaries buzzing," Katherine teased.

"Ovaries don't _buzz_," Elena said.

"They do when you're with Damon," Katherine corrected her.

"Katherine... this is a bad time. Elijah is coming to pick me up this morning and I have to get ready."

"I know. That's why I'm here," Katherine said, taking Elena's hands into her own in a rare moment of tender sincerity. "Elena, I'm just going to be honest here, possibly for the first time in my life: I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ever since our night together. And it was difficult to accept, but I've realized that I really don't want you to die."

Elena shook her head defiantly. "Oh, no; don't do this to me! Come on, you were _the one person _I could count on! You can't turn your back on me now! You just can't!"

Katherine shook her head. "I changed my mind, Elena. I don't want you to die," Katherine repeated, gripping Elena's hands amorously. "All of these thoughts have been running through my mind non-stop, and I've finally come to realize that none of this is really about Stefan, or Damon, or Klaus, or the moonstone, or any of that bullshit! It's all about _us_... it's about us finding each other at this particular moment in time. Five hundred years I've been struggling, searching for something I wasn't sure about... _until now_. For five hundred years, I've searched for a lover who could match my own beauty, and I've finally realized that I've been searching for myself all along! And I finally found me... _in you!_ Elena, you're in my bloodstream; you're in my heart and my thoughts all the time. I feel you inside me. I lie awake at night just wanting to hold you. Do you think about me, too?"

Elena was touched by such an outpouring of heartfelt emotion. "Oh, Katherine... it's very touching, but we can't..."

"Don't say that!" Katherine interrupted. "Elena, that night when we made love, we could both feel our combined doppelicious powers surging through our bodies. Our touch is electric, and magnetic; our hearts beat in synch! Our Petrova fire burns so brightly together! It's as if we're perpetually joined in some kind of mystical sixty-nine! It's like all of the planets and the stars line up for the moment of our simultaneous orgasms! Elena, when we're together, I feel like we're unstoppable. I feel like we could fuck the world doggy style and reshape it in our own beautiful image! I know you felt it, too!"

Elena's face turned bright red. "Okay, I felt it... but..."

Katherine threw her arms around Elena and hugged her tightly. "Oh, I knew you did! Elena, this is _just the beginning_ of our incredible future together! This is _our journey_; it's unique, and magical, and kinky... but above all, it's far _too special _to ignore. We have to explore this together and find out what it all means!"

"But... but I have to go with Elijah! I promised to die in the sacrifice!" Elena stammered.

"No! You can't go through with it! I won't let anyone take you from me!" Katherine shook her by the shoulders. "We'll run away together! We'll fake our deaths! It's not that difficult... I'll teach you! I could turn you, and we'll be together... _forever_... as immortal doppel-lovers. We can rob banks all over the countryside-"

"No! No more robbing banks," Elena scolded. "It's against the law."

"Aw, you're so cute! Are you saying that because you care about me?" Katherine asked. "You _really_ care about me, don't you?"

"I guess I do, as strange as it sounds," Elena said.

"I just can't hold back any longer," Katherine said with elation. "Elena, I'm in love with you..."

Elena's heart fluttered. "You are?"

"I'm putting it all on the line here, Elena. I'm betting it _all on you_. Just kiss me and tell me you don't feel the same way... and then I promise, I'll leave." Their foreheads briefly touched, their eyes closed, and their lips met and parted, and Elena began to melt in her doppel-lover's arms. They both felt the surge of energy charging their bodies, merging their spirits, and ascending them towards their combined metaphysical destiny of Petrova goddess-hood.

And Elena might have run away with Katherine right then, if it weren't for a shirtless Damon who suddenly strolled into the kitchen and interrupted the touching scene. "If this isn't a WTF moment, I don't know what is."

"Damon, your timing sucks as usual! Don't you ever get tired of ruining my plans?" Katherine huffed in frustration. "This is a _doppelgangers only_ discussion! Anyone who's _not_ a Petrova doppelganger needs to _piss off_ and leave the room right now!"

"What are you doing here, Katherine?" Damon demanded.

"I'm saving Elena's life! What are _you_ doing here?" Katherine bitterly snapped. She maintained a protective posture next to Elena, which Damon took note of.

"I'm _also_ saving Elena's life... among other things," Damon said while zipping up his fly.

"I think you two need to consider the old saying: _if you truly love someone, you'll let them go_," Elena said.

"I _hate_ that saying. It's such bullshit," Damon snarled.

Katherine nodded in agreement. "That saying is for losers who can't get any and need a philosophy to make themselves feel better about their pathetic, worthless lives."

Just then, Stefan burst into the kitchen, gasping and short of breath. His eyes immediately went to Elena in her bathrobe with her hands in Katherine's, and Damon standing there with no shirt on. If ever there was an even more WTF-worthy moment, it surely was happening right then.

"Damon, why are you standing around half-naked in Elena's kitchen?" Stefan asked, aghast.

"Is there _ever_ a good answer for that, really?" Damon fired back. "An optimist would say I'm half-dressed."

"_Let's make a run for it,_" Katherine whispered in Elena's ear.

"What are you doing here, Katherine?" Stefan asked.

"Saving Elena," Katherine said.

"Then what's Damon doing here?" Stefan asked.

"He's _doing_ Elena," Katherine snickered.

"_Katherine!_" Elena blasted.

"I'm saving Elena, too, _obviously_," Damon groaned. "What are _you_ doing here, Stef?"

"I came to watch you two save Elena," Stefan said. "But oh my God... Elena, _say it ain't so!_"

"Sorry Stefan, but it's true. I was up all night having wild jungle sex with Damon," Elena said.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Stefan shouted to the heavens. "Why would you do that?"

"I've realized that it's okay to love you both," Elena said.

"_Who says?_" Stefan fired back.

"Katherine did."

"And you _believed_ her?" Stefan shot back.

Elena shrugged. "Seemed plausible enough. Plus, I've been wanting to jump his bones since _Friday Night Bites._ I just didn't have the courage to do anything about it until I was forced to face my own mortality."

"No! It's _not okay!_ Elena, it's _not okay_ to love us both!" Stefen angrily ranted. "It's _morally wrong_ to love more than one person at the same time! It's _unnatural!_ It's an _abomination_ against nature! You are _corrupt_ and _unclean!_ You're a wicked, vile, _evil little whore_ and you're going to _die_ and _burn in hell!_"

Damon stood aghast. "Wow, where did _that_ come from?"

"_I told you_ he was a powder keg waiting to blow," Katherine said, twirling her hair. "He's finally going off the deep end."

"Are you done?" Elena asked indifferently.

"Not yet..." In a single fluid motion, Stefan reached into his pocket, pulled out the engagement ring, and slid on one knee across the kitchen floor towards Elena; much like a baseball player sliding into a stolen base. "Elena! _My lovely little lovely loving-love,_" he gasped, holding the ring out. "Will you marry me?" Everyone stood in shock, jaws agape, and the room went completely silent except for the sound of Stefan's heavy, anxious breathing.

"_Oh, Stefan..._" Elena sighed. "That's very sweet, but..."

"Hey, did you steal that ring from my _Shoebox of Broken Hearts?_" Katherine bent down to get a better look at it, and broke into laughter. "You did! _You blockhead!_ You picked the worst possible one in there! That's not even a _real_ diamond! And it's not even _gold_; it's just _painted lead!_" Katherine laughed heartily. "I remember that one! Victor Tanenbaum; 1932. What a _cheap ass_ that guy was! Of course, it was during the Great Depression, but still, that's no excuse!"

"_Epic_ fail, Stef," Damon snarkily commented. "You really are Charlie Brown... _blockhead!_"

"It's not about the jewelry. It's the thought that counts," Elena said.

"Why's everybody always picking on me?" Stefan blasted. "Elena, will you be my human wife and help me perpetuate my delusions? _Please_ say yes! My life depends on it! If you don't let me slide this ring on your finger, I'm going to take mine off, and step out into the sun... no pressure, though."

Katherine possessively pulled Elena to her side. "No, Elena! Run away with me! Screw everyone else!"

"No, Elena! Stay with me! We'll kill 'em all and sort out the corpses later!" Damon offered.

"No, Elena! Marry me!" Stefan pleaded. "We'll sit down and talk with Klaus. We'll _reason_ with him! He'll _understand!_ We'll work something out! Everything's going to be fine!"

"That is such _bullshit_, Stefan!" Damon blasted. "Elena, the only thing those guys understand is a magic dagger through the heart! Stick with me!"

Katherine took Elena by the hands and nearly broke down emotionally. "Elena, _I can't lose you!_"

"Hey, you stole my line!" Damon pounded his fist on the counter top. "I was supposed to tell her that! But I can't say it now! It would sound unoriginal! _Thanks a lot_, Katherine!"

Elena steadily backed away from all of them. "Look, I'm sorry everyone, but I already made a deal with Elijah. If I don't do this, Klaus is going to take it out on everyone I love... including the three of you," she said, looking at each of them in turn.

"_She said 'three!' She looked at me! She included me! Oh my God, she included me! I have a chance! I really have a chance!"_ Katherine thought to herself.

"I'll leave you alone to talk about this and hopefully reach an understanding. I'm going upstairs to pack my bag. Elijah's coming soon." Elena left the kitchen despite all of their protests.

"Well, this is awkward," Damon said. "And what the hell is up with you, Katherine?"

Katherine swiftly flipped back into HBIC mode. "What? You two think you're the only ones who can compete for Elena's love? _Think again!_ I want what I want, and I don't care what I have to do to get it!"

Stefan was still frozen in place on one knee. "Yup. This is pretty awkward..."

"Look, I suggest we just put our differences aside right now and focus on Elena," Damon said. "We can figure out our love pentacle or... whatever the fuck it is... later on, when Elena's safe."

"Damon, if she leaves with Elijah, we'll _never_ see her again," Katherine sternly warned him. "We _can't_ let her walk out that door. We've got to stop her."

"What do you suggest?" Damon asked.

"Whatever it takes," Katherine said.

Damon snapped his fingers. "Alright, let's do it! You distract her, and I'll grab her."

"Wait, you're going to _kidnap_ Elena?" Stefan whined. "I can't agree to this. It's so underhanded, sketchy, and... evil!"

"It's no more evil than _proposing_ to her," Damon scoffed and promptly joined Katherine on her way up to Elena's bedroom.

* * *

Elena tied her shoes, stuffed her teddy bear into her backpack full of clothes, zipped it up, and strapped it on her back, just as Damon and Katherine stormed into the room.

Katherine spotted the moonstone on Elena's dresser and grabbed it. "I'll take that!"

"Hey, give it back! I need that!" Elena shouted and lunged after Katherine, who tossed the rock over to Damon. Elena then charged after Damon. "Give it to me, Damon!"

"That's what you said... _last night_," Damon quipped and tossed the stone back to Katherine. Elena again went after Katherine and it quickly developed into a game of "keep away."

"Give me my moonstone!" Elena growled, charging at Katherine once more, who flipped the stone back to Damon one last time. Thinking quickly, Damon charged into the bathroom and dropped the moonstone into the toilet with a plunk and a splash. "What are you doing? Noooooooooooooooooooo!" Elena screamed in horror as Damon flushed the toilet, and with a cruel laugh, he watched the horrid stone circle the drain and disappear into oblivion, like the piece of shit that it is. "How could you do this to me?" Elena cried. "That was my ticket! My ticket to die! Now Klaus _isn't_ going to kill me! You've ruined_ everything!_"

Damon wasted no time. "You drive. I'll restrain her," he said as he threw his car keys to Katherine. Damon charged Elena and tossed her over his shoulder, despite her kicking and screaming.

"Let go of me, Damon! Let go of me!" Elena shouted, her long hair almost touching the floor as Damon carried her down the stairs and out the front door. "Let go of me! Damon, let go of me!" She pummeled her little fists of fury into Damon's back relentlessly.

"Never," Damon said. Katherine held the door open and they barreled out onto the front porch. Stefan followed them outside in order to watch Damon and Katherine save his girlfriend, but the party of four was caught by surprise; Elijah's limousine was already parked at the front of the house, and Elijah and his driver stood waiting.

"Oh, shit," Katherine groaned. Stefan stood frozen. Damon stopped in his tracks, still holding on to Elena's legs.

"Put me down, Damon!" Elena slammed her fists into his back. "Let me go!"

"Fuck off, Elijah! You're not taking her from us!" Katherine snarled.

"Relinquish the girl," Elijah told Damon, coolly and calmly.

"You'll have to kill me," Damon growled.

Elijah smiled cruelly. "That can be arranged."

"No!" Elena shouted. "Don't kill him!"

"I'll give you one last chance to conduct this transaction in a civil manner," Elijah told Damon. "Give me the girl, and your heart will remain in your chest."

"_Never._" Damon stared Elijah down defiantly. "Do your worst."

"_Elijah!_" Elena screamed. "You promised not to kill him! He's whitelisted! _He's whitelisted!_

Elijah laughed haughtily. "Does that make you brave? Or just a fool in love?" Elijah snapped his fingers. "Take them down," he told the driver, motioning towards Damon and Katherine. The driver held up his hands, and Damon and Katherine were instantly brought to their knees, clutching at their heads in pain.

"What about the third one?" the driver asked, indicating Stefan.

"Don't bother. Not worth the effort. He's not a threat. He won't do anything," Elijah said as he bent down, picked up Elena and her overnight bag, and carried her off to the limo.

"Don't hurt them too much!" Elena cried. "Don't avenge my death! Damon and Katherine, I'm talking to you! _Don't avenge my death!_ There's been too much violence already! Stefan, make sure they behave! It's up to you now!" Damon and Katherine writhed on the ground while Stefan just stood there, spineless and useless, watching in horror as Elijah carried his girlfriend away to her death. And then Stefan started to cry. "Stefan!" Elena called out. "Just close your eyes! _Close your eyes!_"

Stefan reluctantly complied. The next time he opened his eyes, Elena was gone.


	18. Hotel California

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 18: HOTEL CALIFORNIA**

* * *

Elena sat in the back of the limousine with Elijah, en route to his summer house at an undisclosed location. She was blindfolded per Elijah's insistence of keeping the location a secret for her own protection. It was a long ride, and Elena had difficulty sitting still, due to her excitement and the fact that she was still all hopped up on sugar.

"Are we there yet?" Elena asked, bouncing around on the black leather seats.

"No," Elijah said.

"Are we there yet?" Elena repeated.

Elijah sighed. "No."

"Are we there yet?"

"_No_," Elijah said firmly. "I'll tell you when we're _there_."

"Are we any closer?" Elena asked.

"We're about thirty seconds closer since the last time you asked," Elijah snapped.

"Can I take the blindfold off now?" Elena asked.

"No," Elijah said.

"Are we there yet?"

"No!" Elijah blasted. He was a very patient man, but hyper Elena was putting him to the test already. "Take a nap or something!"

"But I'm not tired! I'm hyper!" Elena whined. "Are we there yet?"

"I'll tell you when we're there!" Elijah groaned as he loosened his tie and undid the top button of his shirt. Elena took the hint and shut up for a little while. "By the way, Miss Gilbert, I assume you had the good sense to put the moonstone in your bag before we left?" he asked.

Elena cringed. "Oh, about that..."

"Oh no, here it comes..." Elijah sighed.

"Damon sort of flushed it down the toilet," Elena said.

"How positively _charming_," Elijah drolly remarked.

"Can I take the blindfold off now?" Elena asked.

"No."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I don't want you to see how badly I'm face-palming myself right now," Elijah said.

"Are we there yet?" she asked.

"I should have sedated her. Lesson learned," Elijah muttered.

"Are we there yet?"

"_Enough already!_ Or I swear, we'll turn this car right around and take you back home!" Elijah blasted.

"Okay, sorry!" Elena apologized. "I'll try to be good!"

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Elena whined.

"Almost..." Elijah said.

"Woo-hoo! How much longer?" Elena asked.

"About ten seconds," Elijah said.

"The suspense is killing me!" Elena whined.

"Okay, you can take the blindfold off now. We're here," Elijah said.

Elena tore off the blindfold, rolled down the tinted window and stuck her head out like a happy dog going for a ride. "Wow!" she shouted. "This is it?"

"This is it," Elijah confirmed.

"When you told me you had _a little place in the country_, I didn't think you meant _a huge, sprawling castle!_" Elena gawked. "I mean, this place looks like it's out of _Lord of the Rings! _It's like we're in Middle-Earth and I'm Frodo Gilbert! Are we even still in the United States?"

"It's not really a castle," Elijah said modestly.

"Yes, it is! It's even got a moat and a drawbridge!" Elena beamed.

"They're still excellent security systems, even by today's standards. The moat is populated with piranhas and sharks with laser beams on their heads," Elijah proudly boasted.

"I've always wanted to live in a castle ever since I was a little girl! This is my dream come true!" Elena crooned ecstatically.

Elijah stretched back coolly. "Yeah, chicks dig it."

"What's that one, over there?" She pointed, indicating the highest tower of the castle which was curiously white in color, as opposed to the dark gray stone of everything else.

"Ah, that's my ivory tower," Elijah said. "That's where my office is located. The tower is literally tiled in real, antique ivory."

"What! Elijah!" Elena scolded, "Don't you care that African elephants are an endangered species and every day poachers-"

"It's _not_ elephant ivory; it's _woolly mammoth_ ivory," Elijah explained. "They've been extinct for 8,000 years, so don't try to give me any of that PETA propaganda."

"Okay," Elena sighed in defeat.

"Well... don't you like it?" Elijah asked.

Elena shrugged. "The tower? It's kind of phallic."

"Well, _of course!_" Elijah teased. "Just about every building and monument ever made are phallic symbols. When you really dig into it, _all_ of mankind's progress in science and technology throughout the ages is nothing more than an ongoing _big dick contest._"

"Wow, you're right!" Elena gasped. "Your philosophical insights always blow my mind, Elijah."

The limo pulled past the drawbridge and stopped at the inner gates. Elena grabbed her bag and piled out of the car in awe of her surroundings.

"Welcome to the Hotel California," Elijah said.

"Such a lovely place," Elena cooed.

_Such a lovely face,_ Elijah thought. "Come along. I'll show you to your room first, then I'll take you on a brief tour of the grounds," he said. The two walked into a long hall with polished marble floors, and complete medieval suits of armor flanking the walls. Conical light fixtures lined the walls and provided a soft white glow through the hall.

Elijah pointed out a large parchment map that was framed and hung up on the wall. Elena's eyes went immediately to the red dot under which the caption read: _YOU ARE HERE_. "Now, we're in the main corridor. Over here is your room," Elijah explained, running his finger across the map, "and here is the ballroom... the _grand_ ballroom... the dining hall... the library; the laboratory; the lavatory; the conservatory; the obligatory observatory; the monkey room; the-"

"Wait!" Elena interrupted. "What's in_ the monkey room?_"

"Monkeys."

"Sweet!" Elena cheered.

Elijah continued: "Then there's the gambling room; the sun room; the moon room; the sitting and staring room; the flower room; the powder room; the flour-powder room; the theater; the war room; the crisis command center; the bird sanctuary; the Olympic pool; the regular pool; the kiddie pool; the sauna; the gymnasium; the dungeon; the atrium; the _other_ atrium; the auditorium; the amaze-itorium; the trauma-torium; the gallery; the shooting gallery; the museum; the mausoleum; the inner gardens; the outer gardens; the barbecue pit; the patio; the slightly more awesome patio; the courtyard; the vineyard; the hedge maze; the gazebo; the _bigger_ gazebo; the gazing pool; the stables; the-"

"Wait! Did you say stables? Like for horses?" Elena interrupted.

"Yes. Would you like to go riding sometime?" Elijah asked.

Elena jumped up and down and clapped her hands. "Now! Now! I want to go now! I haven't done anything fun since I was four years old."

"Alright then. I'll show you to your room, and then I'll take you out to the stables," Elijah said, leading the way down the hall.

"So, do you live alone in this palace?" Elena asked while they walked.

"Certainly not! Aside from the groundskeepers, kitchen staff, security-"

"I mean... like... do you have a girlfriend or something?" Elena asked sheepishly. _He must. He's too good to be single_, she thought.

Elijah sighed. "Miss Gilbert-"

"You can call me Elena," she interrupted. "Really! It's cool."

Elijah nodded. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

"Can I call you _Eli?_" Elena asked.

"No," he quickly fired back. "Please just stick with _Elijah_, if you don't mind."

"What about _'Lije_?" she tried.

"No," he snapped.

"How about just _E_?" she persisted.

"_No_," he groaned, losing patience.

"How about _Eazy-E_?" she asked. "You know, like the rapper."

"Absolutely _not!_" he barked. "Now Miss Gilbert, there's something vitally important you should know about..."

Elena stopped to admire one of the many ornate light fixtures that lined the walls. "Hey E, what's with all of these fancy light holder thing-a-majig-a-WHHHHAAAAAAAA!" Elena screamed when the light shifted under the weight of her hand, and the floor opened up beneath her feet, sending her sliding down a long dark shaft before she crashed into a huge pile of dirty laundry in the castle's basement. Miraculously, Elijah was waiting there to pull her out.

"As I was about to explain," Elijah continued, "this castle is full of trap doors and secret passageways. So whatever you do, _don't touch anything_ unless you know exactly what it does!"

"I'll try to keep that in mind," Elena said in a daze.

"You can go anywhere in the castle _except_ my ivory tower," Elijah explained. "The ivory tower is off limits. You must _never_ go there; nor may you ever eat from my Tree of Forbidden Fruit, lest I cast your sorry ass out of this paradise with nothing more than fig leaves to cover your nakedness! Do you understand?"

"Sure. I get it," Elena said, nodding. _Mental note: must break into the ivory tower, snoop around, and figure out why he doesn't want me in there,_ she thought to herself.

"This way," Elijah said, indicating a stone stairway. "Your room is just at the top of these stairs. You're very lucky you landed in the laundry room and not in one of the snake pits." Elena shuddered. The two went up the stone staircase and down another large hallway before Elijah stopped at a huge oak door with a very large brass plaque on it that was engraved with the message:

_RESERVED FOR HUMAN PETROVA DOPPELGANGER _

_ATTENTION: PLEASE NOTE THAT THE SIGN SAYS "HUMAN" PETROVA DOPPELGANGER AND NOT "VAMPIRE" PETROVA DOPPELGANGER. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU, KATERINA! THIS ROOM IS ABSOLUTELY OFF LIMITS TO YOU KATERINA PETROVA A.K.A. KATHERINE PIERCE, SHOULD YOU EVER ENTER THIS CASTLE AND READ THIS SIGN YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO ENTER THIS ROOM! ALSO, IF YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT BY ENTERING WITHOUT READING THE SIGN, YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN. BY OPENING THIS DOOR YOU SIGNIFY THAT YOU HAVE READ THE SIGN AND AGREE TO THE AFOREMENTIONED CONDITIONS OF ENTERING SAID ROOM. SO NO EXCUSES, KATERINA. THERE ARE HIDDEN SECURITY CAMERAS EVERYWHERE, SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. SERIOUSLY.  
_

_NO TRESPASSING. NO LOITERING. VIOLATORS WILL BE VERVAINED ON SIGHT. _

_THANKS, _

_ELIJAH & HOTEL CALIFORNIA MANAGEMENT_

"It's here," Elijah said, swinging open the massive wooden door on its heavy iron hinges.

Elena stepped into the room and explored it with a child-like awe. The room was outfitted with the biggest, softest bed she'd ever seen, a plasma television as big as a billiard table, a desk with a brand new laptop computer, a kick ass private bathroom with its own hot tub, and a walk-in closet that, to her surprise, was already stocked with her typical array of clothes in her own size, and twelve brand new pairs of Converse All-Stars in all the colors of the rainbow.

"Wow, Elijah! This is so _awesome!_" Elena gushed. "That bed is so big it must have its own zip code. Can I jump on it?"

"By all means," Elijah said with a welcoming wave of his hand. He watched in quiet amusement while she kicked off her shoes and bounced on the bed like it was a trampoline.

Elijah walked over to her nightstand and pointed out the phone that sat there. "Now, Miss Gilbert, about the phone..."

"Does the castle have WiFi?" Elena asked, bouncing up and down. "Cause if it doesn't, you should know that I'll probably kill myself, thus ruining your sacrifice plot."

"Yes, of course we have WiFi," Elijah answered. Elena kept jumping on the bed. "Miss Gilbert, are you paying attention? About the phone service..."

"Go ahead. I can bounce _and_ listen at the same time," Elena said, incessantly bouncing.

"Dial zero for the switchboard operator; dial nine if there's an emergency; dial eight for housekeeping, or if you need clean towels; dial seven for a Swedish massage; six for room service..." Elijah explained.

"Room service, like food?" Elena asked, still bouncing.

"Yes, of course... now-"

"What can I order?" she asked.

"Anything you want, at any time," Elijah said nonchalantly.

Elena stopped bouncing. "Wait! Are you telling me that if I want cheese fries at three o'clock in the morning, I just dial seven and ask for it? And they'll make it and deliver it to my room? And I don't even have to get off my butt?"

"Absolutely. The kitchen staff is on duty twenty four hours a day," Elijah explained.

"And nothing is off limits?" Elena asked incredulously.

"Anything you want, it's the chefs' job to make it happen," Elijah said.

"Let me get this straight," Elena said. "So if I want deadly puffer fish sushi-"

Elijah groaned. "I'd ask that you refrain from eating potentially poisonous foods. It's extremely important that you stay _alive_ until the sacrifice. I just can't stress that enough."

"But if I want deadly puffer fish sushi at three in the morning, they'll make it for me?" Elena asked in disbelief.

Elijah sighed. "Well, sushi has to be ordered a day in advance."

"And if I want a stuffed crust pizza supreme at four in the morning, all I have to do is call?" Elena asked.

"That's correct," Elijah said.

"Damn, this is _awesome!_"

"I agree. Now come on, I'll take you around the castle," Elijah said, motioning towards the door.

"Okay! Just let me put on some of my new shoes and I'll be right with you 'Lije."

Elijah cringed.

Elena tumbled off of the bed and ran to the closet. "So many colors! I don't know which to wear first. The pink ones are sweet, but I'm also loving the lime green and the baby blue... but the chocolate brown would look good with just about anything... so hard to choose..." she muttered.

Elijah rolled his eyes. "Just pick a pair already. I don't have all day!"

Elena slipped on the pink sneakers and tied them up. "Okay, 'Lije! Let's rock!"

* * *

Elijah escorted Elena down an extremely long corridor outside her bedroom. "So, where are we going next? Can I ride horsies now?"

"I want you to meet my goddesses first," Elijah said.

"Your _goddesses_?" Elena fired back, flabbergasted. "You mean to tell me you're living the Charlie Sheen lifestyle?" _Damn it! I knew there had to be some bizarre twist_, she thought.

"Why? Do you have a problem with Charlie Sheen? I mean, if he's got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, you can just imagine what I've got going on as an Original," Elijah ranted.

"I can dig where Charlie's coming from," Elena said. "I was more concerned about the goddesses part."

"It's not an excuse for polygamy, if that's what you're wondering," Elijah said. "They're my daughters."

Elena's eyes bugged out. "Your daughters? You have children?" _Oh, this is just great_, she thought._ Children from a previous relationship. I'm screwed._

"Well, not biologically, of course. They're adopted," Elijah explained. He came to a stop at another huge oak door and knocked on it twice. The latch clicked, and a middle-aged woman with reading glasses opened the door.

"Martha, my dear," Elijah greeted. "Are the girls around? I want them to meet Miss Gilbert."

Martha nodded. "Come in."

"She's the nanny..." Elijah showed Elena into the room as two young little twin girls in pigtails came running to meet them.

"Daddy!" the girls giggled in unison.

"Hello, my precious ones," Elijah said, bending down on one knee. "Miss Gilbert, meet my goddesses: Rachel and Sofia."

"Aw, they're so cute! Identical twins!" Elena dropped to the floor to greet the girls.

Elijah laughed. "No! Even _better_ than twins; they're doppelgangers!"

"They're _doppelgangers?_" Elena shot back in disbelief.

"What? You thought the Petrovas were the only ones?" Elijah laughed. "You're not _that_ special, you know."

"I'm Elena. Can you say _Elena_? El-en-a," she enunciated to the girls.

"Layna. I wuv you," Rachel said, wrapping her arms around Elena's shoulders.

"Layna's the HBIC," Sofia chanted as she beat Elena over the head with a teddy bear.

"Aw! You know your ABC's!" Elena melted. "I have a teddy just like yours, Sofia. Actually, mine is more of a Ted-DE." Elena looked over at Elijah while the goddesses decorated her with tinsel. "They're _so cute!_ I'm in love, Elijah... how old are WHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!" Elena shrieked in pain as Sofia bit into one arm and Rachel bit into the other, and the girls locked their teeth onto Elena's limbs like hungry dogs on a ham bone. Elena jumped around and shook the girls off and they ran away, giggling.

"They bit me! The little freaks _bit me_, Elijah! _What the hell?_" Elena whined. Elijah laughed heartily at her misfortune.

"Relax; they do that all the time! It's a sign of affection," Elijah said. "They really love you! In fact, I've never seen them warm up to a stranger so fast. Amazing!"

Elena then examined her wounds to see the familiar pattern of two distinct puncture marks and fresh blood seeping through her shirt sleeves. She looked aghast. "They're _vampires_? You have goddess doppelganger adoptive children _vampires_?"

Elijah laughed. "Well of course they're vampires! What did you expect?"

"I guess I expected normal _human_ children _without_ fangs who _don't bite!_ I know, how _silly_ of me!" Elena fumed while Elijah laughed some more.

"Aren't they just the cutest?" Elijah beamed. "They'll forever be adorable little tykes, but don't let their looks fool you. Their canine cuspids are razor sharp. _And_ they're super intelligent and tech saavy. They're already tweeting and tumbling at a postgraduate level."

"Amazing! So I guess they're headed for bigger things, huh? Preferably somewhere _not so close_ to my bedroom?" Elena asked.

"Oh, no. That's quite impossible. They have to stay here," Elijah said.

"Why's that?" Elena asked. "Because they've been introduced as plot devices and I might need them to do something interesting and/or hilarious?"

"Well sure, there's that too, but it's mostly because Rachel and Sofia are too much _awesome_ for the world to handle," Elijah explained. "They make everyone else seem like a waste of space. If this truth were ever discovered, it would be a disaster! There would be chaos, panic, rioting in the streets, looting, mass suicides... it would unravel the very fabric of civilization as we know it!"

"Yeah, I could see how them starting the apocalypse might be a bummer," Elena said. "But how did they become vampires so young? Isn't that like-"

"Tragic? Indeed," Elijah said. "It's a long story. Children are never supposed to be turned, but through a horrible twist of events, these girls were. Klaus ordered me to kill them, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I took them in at great personal risk."

"Wow, that's so sad. I'd say you're a great humanitarian, but I guess that's not the right word here..."

"Come on, I'll take you to the infirmary to get your wounds dressed." He showed her out the door and the two left the lair of the goddesses.

Elena squeezed her bleeding arm. "But you're an Original vampire with all of these special powers; can't you just kiss it and make it better?"

Elijah shook his head. "It doesn't work that way."

_Of course not! That would be too conveniently sexy,_ she thought.

* * *

After Elena got her love bites disinfected, Elijah took her outside to the stables. A raven-haired woman in riding gear stood with her back to them, grooming a horse with a huge brush. When the woman turned around, Elena nearly fainted.

"_Isobel!_" Elena gasped.

"Hello, Elena," Isobel said in her typical diabolically happy tone.

Elena tugged at Elijah's suit jacket. "_Isobel_, my estranged biological vampire mother is _your horse trainer_?" she asked incredulously.

"Oh, so you've already met? Wonderful! I'll let you two get re-acquainted then," Elijah said and quickly walked off with a whistle, leaving Elena alone with Isobel.

"I'm so glad to see you, Elena," Isobel said. "This will give us some much needed quality mommy/daughter time, don't you think?"

"Please don't ever call yourself _mommy_ again. It's far too disturbing," Elena groaned.

"Well, let's go. Hop on," Isobel saddled up a white horse and motioned for Elena to climb aboard. Isobel mounted her own faithful steed and the oddball mother-daughter duo trotted off together into the lush, rolling green pastures beyond the castle walls.

"This is nice," Isobel said, breaking the ice.

"Aside from it being awkward as hell... yeah, it's _almost_ nice," Elena said, heavily forcing a half-smile.

"Now, now," Isobel chided, "you don't have to be embarrassed just because I'm your vampire mother and we've both slept with the same guy... and girl."

Elena let go of the horse's reins to palm her quickly reddening face. "Thanks for reminding me," she growled.

"Word travels quickly," Isobel said. "I can't express how happy I am to see you here, Elena. You've made the right decision. This is the kind of life we've envisioned for you. We always wanted you to have the very best of everything."

"We?" Elena asked.

"John and I," Isobel explained. "Actually, John and I don't see entirely eye to eye on this issue. He doesn't want any vampires in your life at all. He's very black and white about this, while I'm a bit more open minded. I'm the one who wanted you to be with Elijah."

"So what are you saying? You wanted to fix me up with Elijah?" Elena asked.

Isobel smiled. "Elijah's an Original. The best of the best. He's a rich, successful, powerful man. Elijah can provide for you. He can provide a bright future for you."

"But I'm going to _die_ in the sacrifice!" Elena shot back. "What kind of a future is that?"

"Well, I didn't say it wouldn't be short! You can't have it all, you know," Isobel snapped. "I know you're still hung up on the Salvatores, but they're _losers_, Elena. Sure, Stefan is a friendly idiot companion, and Damon is a great lay, but that's all they have going for themselves. Stefan's still a blood junkie, and Damon's an alcoholic with a bad temper. They're derelicts, and they're only going to drag you into the gutter with themselves. They just can't offer you the lifestyle that Elijah can."

"What about Katherine? She's officially thrown her hat into the ring now, too," Elena said.

"Katherine is just crazy and horny... not that I don't love her for it," Isobel went on. "But you can't be seriously considering..."

Elena shrugged. "We have a special doppelganger connection. You wouldn't understand."

"Nevertheless, you shouldn't have to suffer the social stigma of a same-sex relationship," Isobel explained. "You'd still need a man, if only as a beard, like a John or Alaric..."

"But I'm not even sure what I feel about Elijah at this point. He's kind of aloof, and emotionally distant... plus he's like a thousand years older than me! And he has children already," Elena said.

"Oh, you've met the goddesses?" Isobel asked. Elena rolled up her sleeve and revealed the tiny bite marks in response. "Oh, aren't they just the cutest? They must really love you, Elena."

"That, and the fact that Elijah is rooting for my death really gives me mixed feelings about the whole thing," Elena went on. "So as of now, I really don't see anything developing between me and Elijah."

"It'll work out. Give it time," Isobel said. "Trust your mommy."

Elena visibly shuddered. "Don't call yourself that! _It's so creepy!_"

From the huge windows in his office in the ivory tower, Elijah watched Elena and Isobel riding in the verdant fields below. He pulled his phone from inside his suit jacket and made an urgent call.

"Klaus," Elijah greeted. "Long time no talk."

"I assume you have a _damn good reason_ for interrupting my cricket match," Klaus fumed.

"Oh, stop being so British! I have the human Petrova doppelganger in my possession," Elijah said.

"You're bullshitting me. The Petrova bloodline ended when Katerina turned," Klaus snapped.

"You're wrong. We both were. I have the _human _Petrova doppelganger. She's real, and she's... _amazing_." Elijah sighed.

"Are you sure?" Klaus asked apprehensively.

"_Yes!_ I did the damn sniff test! She's the real deal!" Elijah blasted.

"Then I'll fly out of London as soon as possible," Klaus said. "See you at the next full moon, brother. Speaking of which... where's my moonstone?"

"Um..." Elijah quickly thought of an excuse. "Uh oh... cell phone... breaking up... can't hear... gotta go!"


	19. Paparazzi

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 19: PAPARAZZI  
**

* * *

Elena woke up the next morning, groggily rolled out of her gigantic bed, slipped into her bath robe and began to plan out all of the leisurely activities she wanted to take in while staying at Elijah's castle. She was brushing her teeth in the magnificent marble-laden bathroom when a male voice startled her.

"Hey Elena! Can you hear me?"

Elena recognized the voice, and she looked up at the mirror to see that she was no longer alone. "Oh, _fuck me_..." she sighed.

"Hey Elena! It's me, Luka Martin. Remember me?"

"Vaguely," Elena groaned.

"I'm dead now," Luka said, grinning.

Elena rolled her eyes. "Congratulations. Go away now."

"So what's going on?" Luka asked, completely oblivious to rejection.

"I didn't even like you when you were _alive_," Elena growled. "You think I'm going to like you better now that you're dead and invading my mirror?"

Luka grinned. "Come on, you like me."

"No I don't! What the hell is up with your family pissing me off from beyond the grave?" Elena snapped. "And why do you always have that goofy grin on your face?"

"I don't know," Luka said with a goofy grin on his face. "Anyway, have you seen my dad lately? I've been trying to get a hold of him. Can't find him anywhere."

"Yeah, he always hangs out in my bathroom mirror at home," Elena explained. "Do you know how to get there?"

Luka shrugged. "Not really. I'm kind of a noob in this dimension. I don't really know anybody here, either."

"That's a bummer, Luka, but I've got to go," Elena said.

"Wait! Don't go yet!"

"Stuff it, Luka! I've planned a very busy day of lounging around the pool while Elijah's servants wait on me hand and foot," Elena said. "Also, I want you gone forever by the time I get back. I pretty much know that's not gonna happen since you take after your dad, but I figured I'd say it anyway. See ya."

Elena left the bathroom to be greeted by the smell of fresh-brewed coffee. Elijah stood on the balcony sipping from a mug while taking in the panoramic vista of the countryside. He heard Elena approaching. "Good morning, Miss Gilbert," he said without turning around. "I trust your first night here was satisfactory."

"Elijah, there's a dead warlock in my mirror," Elena whined. "Can I get a different room?"

Elijah chuckled. "Oh, no. That's quite impossible."

"Why not? This castle has a hundred rooms!"

Elijah held up a finger. "Ah, but this castle has _only one_ human Petrova doppelganger room... and that's where you are to stay."

"You should have told me this place was haunted! I didn't sign up for this shit! This was _not_ in our contract!" Elena blasted.

"I'm quite certain I told you it's haunted," Elijah said calmly.

"No, you didn't!"

"Well, it's common sense! Do you have any idea how much a non-haunted castle costs? Not to mention that there are never any on the market," Elijah ranted.

Elena sighed. "Whatever. As long as I get to lay on my back all day drinking margaritas by the pool, I guess I can put up with it."

"Margaritas by the pool?" Elijah laughed. "I'm afraid there will be no time for any such thing. You have to be down at hair and makeup by ten o'clock. You're scheduled to hold a press conference in the gardens at eleven."

"Hair and makeup? Press conference? What the hell?" Elena hissed.

"You're the human doppelganger. You're hot! You're a celebrity now," Elijah explained. "_Everyone_ wants to know what you're up to at every minute of the day. I'm making you famous and you're going to make me disgustingly rich! We're going to milk this media circus for all it's worth, and-"

"Are you kidding me? I came here to get some R&R before I die! I don't want to be a pop culture icon!" Elena whined.

"It's already too late. Look down there," Elijah pointed off past the castle walls where a crowd of people was forming. Some had cameras with telephoto lenses and were already snapping pictures of Elena.

"Hey you with the cameras! Eff all of you!" Elena yelled and flipped off the crowd. But Elena's temper only fueled the paparazzi to snap more photos.

Elijah looked pleased. "That's brilliant, Miss Gilbert! They're loving it! Keep acting crazy! They love it! You're going to be in every tabloid rag on every magazine stand across the world!"

"I don't want to be a tabloid whore!" Elena yelled, foaming at the mouth.

"Well then, you should have thought of that before you started looking exactly like Katerina," Elijah scolded.

"I was born that way! I couldn't help it!" Elena blasted.

Elijah tapped his fingers nonchalantly on the balcony rail. "Pity, that."

"This sucks! I want my privacy back. Elijah, release the hellhounds on their asses!" Elena ranted.

"How about we kick it up a notch instead," Elijah suggested. "Maybe you could get drunk and dangle a baby off the balcony, like that stupid Michael Jackson thing."

"No _baby dangling!_ I'm out of here!" Elena stormed off back into the castle.

"Don't forget: hair and makeup in the next ten minutes!" Elijah called after her.

* * *

At eleven o'clock sharp, Elena found herself behind a podium in the gardens while esteemed members of the media bombarded her with questions.

"What's it like being the human Petrova doppelganger?" a reporter asked.

Elena leaned over and spoke into the microphone. "Um... pretty stressful. And by pretty stressful I mean _extremely_ stressful."

"What do you think about everyone being attracted to you because you look exactly like Katherine?" another reporter asked.

"Yeah, that came as a surprise at first, because my boyfriend at the time never told me he chased me down because I looked like Katherine. I guess I should have been suspicious when he was trying to get me to wear corsets all the time," Elena said. "But since then, I've gotten used to people stalking me and falling in love with me."

"How do you feel about everyone in town wanting to protect you?" a reporter asked.

"It sucks!" Elena blasted. "I don't want to be saved! They just don't get it!"

"How does your game plan differ from Katherine's?" a reporter asked.

"Katherine ran away and played them all for fools for five hundred years. My plan is just to let Klaus suck me dry. _Big_ difference," Elena said.

"Why did you choose such a different path from hers?" the reporter followed up.

"Because she's a bitch and I'm nice!" Elena fumed. "Now quit being a question whore! Shut the hell up and let somebody else talk for once!"

A different reporter stood up. "Regarding your criminal record-"

"It was Katherine! It was _always_ Katherine!" Elena whined.

"Are you planning on any more homoerotic encounters with Katherine?" another reporter asked.

"I'm not, but she is," Elena said.

"And we all know Katherine _always_ gets what she wants," the reporter added.

"Exactly," Elena said with a wink.

"How do you like living at Elijah's castle?"

"It would be a lot cooler if my bathroom mirror wasn't haunted, and if I could get some pool time," Elena said. "Also, there shouldn't be so many trap doors and stuff. It gets annoying when you just want to get dressed and you end up falling into dark and scary pits of doom."

"How do you see this endgame playing out?" a reporter asked.

"Me dying. Stefan crying. Damon drinking. Katherine getting laid," Elena said decisively. "Beyond that, I'm not really sure."

"So you're not counting on Stefan and Damon to rescue you this time?" a reporter asked.

Elena shook her head. "Stefan isn't going to do anything."

"You're not counting on Damon to rescue you this time?" the reporter followed up.

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Because I put Stefan in charge of making sure Damon doesn't try anything," Elena said proudly.

"But you just said Stefan doesn't do _anything_. So how could he make sure?" the reporter asked.

Elena facepalmed herself. "D'oh!"

"Can you give us any more insight into Elijah?" a reporter asked. To the side, Elijah stood at attention, nervous at the mention of his name.

"Well, he's older than Jesus, and he's stupid rich. He enjoys violently ripping people's hearts out, but he's also really nice and thoughtful." At the conclusion of Elena's statement, Elijah groaned and facepalmed himself.

"Is he a tax cheat?" the reporter asked.

"Probably," Elena said. "And he seems to have a lot of non-English speaking undocumented workers doing things around the castle..."

Elijah suddenly dove for Elena's microphone and ferociously ripped it from its cable, knocking over the wooden podium and smashing it to bits. "This press conference is over! " he growled. "Everyone get out! The hellhounds with death-ray eyes will be released in thirty seconds! Move it!"

The terrified reporters all scrambled and fled in a frenzy, knocking each other over to get to the exit.

* * *

Later that night, Elena sank into a hot bubble bath with a triple fudge sundae. Luka leered at her fleeting nudity from the mirror while she took a call from Jeremy.

"Hey, I saw your press conference on TV," Jeremy said.

"How did my hair look?" Elena asked.

"The same as always," Jeremy said.

"I feel like I need a new look. Maybe I should curl it, like Katherine," Elena said.

"So how is it over there?" he asked.

"It's not what I thought it would be. I hate being famous. It's way too much _work_," Elena complained. "I'm gonna be busy doing appearances and photo ops 'till the day I die. It sucks."

"So where's the castle?" Jeremy asked.

"I don't know! I'm not supposed to know. I'm trying to live out my last days in opulence," Elena said.

"Just find out where you are so we can save you," Jeremy groaned.

"I don't want to be saved!" Elena snapped.

"So you're just going to run off to your death without a goodbye?" Jeremy whined.

"Hey! You should have thought of that when you had the doctors from Mystic Falls mental institution chase me out of town!" Elena snapped.

"So will I get to see you again or what?" Jeremy asked.

"I don't know," Elena said. "I'm thinking of maybe having a barbecue and inviting everyone over to the castle... not sure if that's gonna fly with E. Knowing him, he'll have to turn it into some big media event. I'll have to run some ideas by him and get back to you."

Jeremy sighed. "But how much more stupid can this story get, Elena? I mean-"

"Oh, this is just the calm before the storm, Jer. Get ready... it's gonna get _stupid_," Elena said. "Oh, I gotta go... someone's calling on the other line. I'll talk to you later." Elena clicked over to the other caller.

"Elena! I still want you," Matt said.

"Matt, we've been over this already," Elena whined. "It's not me you want! It's Katherine!"

"Who's Katherine?" Matt asked. "Why won't anyone tell me what the hell is going on around here?"

Elena groaned. "Matt, I don't have time for this shit anymore, so here's the scoop: Caroline, Stefan, and Damon are vampires. Bonnie's a witch, Tyler is a werewolf, and so was his dead uncle Mason. Then there's my deranged doppelganger Katherine, who looks exactly like me, except she's a psychotic nymphomaniac bitch. Oh and she's also a vampire."

"What the..." Matt trailed off.

"Uh oh! Someone's calling me on the other line! Gotta go, Matt!" Elena clicked over. "Hello?"

"Matt is still into you! What the hell did you do to him! You really screwed with his mind," Caroline huffed.

"Caroline, I'm sorry but it's not my problem," Elena whined. "Take it up with Katherine!"

"Fine! maybe I will take it up with Katherine!" Caroline snapped.

"Fine!" Elena snapped.

"Fine!" Caroline snapped.

"Fine!" Elena snapped.

"Fine!" Caroline snapped.

"Fine!" Elena snapped. "Oh Caroline, I gotta go. Someone's calling me on the other line..."

"Fine!" Caroline snapped.

Elena clicked over. "Hello?"

"Alright, let's just skip the fluff, Elena," Damon said. "I'm gonna get you out of that hellhole of a deathtrap even if it kills me, and even if I have to break your bones and stuff you in a box and FedEx you out of the country. Just sayin'."

"Damon!" Elena snapped. "Don't screw this up for me! Why can't you be more passive and cooperative about letting me die, like Stefan is?"

"No chance," Damon said. "Go ahead and hate me forever."

"Fine! Maybe I will!" Elena snapped.

"Fine!" Damon snapped.

"Fine!" Elena snapped.

"Fine!" Damon snapped.

"Oh Damon, I'll talk to you later. Someone's calling on the other line." Elena clicked over. All she could hear was the faint sound of sobbing on the other end, so she knew who it was. "Stefan?" she asked.

"Elena! Where are you?" Stefan asked.

"I'm at E's castle in some secret location," Elena said. "I think it might be Middle-Earth, or New Zealand, or someplace."

"Oh... so are we like... broken up, or what?" Stefan sniffled.

Elena sighed. "Yeah, I guess we're pretty well broken up."

"No more Stelena?" Stefan bawled.

"No more Stelena," Elena said.

"But Elena, we're epic!" Stefan said.

"Just saying we're epic over and over again doesn't make it true," Elena said. "Let's just face it. Stelena never had any substance. A relationship based on cuteness alone isn't meant to last. Even I hate Stelena, and I was one half of that 'ship."

"But we're soul mates!" Stefan whined.

Elena sighed and twirled her hair. "Sure, we might be _soul mates!_ But Damon and I are _twin flames!_ And Katherine and I are _twin Petrova flames!_ And Elijah _has a billion dollars!_ Sorry Stefan, but you've got competition! Soul mates are so _last century!_ That just doesn't cut it by today's standards!"

Upon the rant's conclusion, Stefan audibly broke into wet, snotty bawling.

"Wait! Stop crying, Stefan. I've got an important job for you! Do you think you can help me?" Elena asked.

Stefan sniffed. "It depends. Is there any actual work involved?"

"A little bit," Elena said. "I just need you to spy on Damon and Katherine for me. I have a sneaking suspicion that they're going to come up with a plan to save me, so your job is to find out and sabotage their plan before they can put it into effect. Think you can handle that?"

"Oh, I don't know..." Stefan groaned hesitantly.

"Come on, Stefan. You love me right?" Elena asked.

"Yeah..."

"And you'd do _anything_ for me, right?" Elena went on, "Including stabbing your own brother in the back to prevent him from saving my life, right?"

Stefan paused. "I suppose that's logical."

"Great! Thanks!" Elena cheered. "Oh, I gotta go, Stefan. Someone else is calling on my other line." She clicked over. "Y'ello?"

"Elena, this little charade has gone far enough. It's time for you to come clean," Katherine said.

"What charade?" Elena fired back. "I have no clue what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about you trying to cover up the fact that you're a lesbian by running off with Elijah," Katherine said. "It's so transparent."

Elena scoffed. "Oh my God, give me a break! I'm not a lesbian!"'

"You're in denial. You're only fooling yourself," Katherine said.

"I'm _not_ a lesbian!" Elena blasted. "I like guys!"

"Elena, you only _think_ you like guys. That's part of your problem. Besides, sleeping with a string of guys isn't going to change the fundamental essence of who you are. Just embrace who you are and be proud," Katherine offered.

"You're crazy!" Elena blasted. "I have sex with males! Hot ones!"

"Oh really?" Katherine challenged. "How's that working out for you? Let's see... you were with Matt for how many passionless weeks?"

"Never mind Matt, he doesn't count!" Elena snapped. "I admit there was zero chemistry there; it was more for social purposes, but-"

"And then you were stalked and pursued by Saint Stefan the virgin until you actually fell for his schtick. That's a cry for help right there," Katherine went on. "Another terribly desperate attempt to cover up your lesbianism."

Elena groaned. "Okay, that's a fair point, but-"

"Don't say Damon," Katherine teased.

"Why not?" Elena snapped.

Katherine laughed. "Elena, your relationship with Damon didn't even last twenty four hours!"

"What do you expect? That's because I had to come to Elijah's castle!" Elena whined.

"Yeah, now you're running around with Elijah, that asexual old geezer! I know you only like him for his money..."

"That's not true!" Elena protested.

"Elena, you're dating _losers,_ and it has to stop.I just can't watch you destroy yourself like this," Katherine said. "What you _really_ need is some fierce girl on girl love, and I can provide that in spades."

"I can't talk all night, Katherine. I'm going to bed now," Elena said.

"Just put me on speakerphone and we can do pillow talk until you fall asleep," Katherine cooed. "Elena? Are you there?"

With a sigh, Elena dropped the phone into the water and let it sink to the bottom of the tub.


	20. Highway to Hell

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 20: HIGHWAY TO HELL**

* * *

Elena followed Elijah down the hall, into an elevator, up two floors, and into a long and narrow room with magnificent oil paintings hung up in giant gilded frames.

"Welcome to the gallery," Elijah said.

Elena stood fixated before a painting of a girl in an emerald green dress, sitting in a garden. The girl's face was her own. "It's Katherine! God, she's so beautiful! _I wish_ I was as beautiful as Katherine..." Elena went around the room, looking at all of the paintings. "It's Katherine again... Katherine again... another Katherine... this is getting predictable... and another Katherine; _big surprise_ there..."

"You have an entire gallery dedicated to Katherine?" Elena asked.

"Not entirely," Elijah said. "The one over here." He pointed to the gallery's centerpiece portrait. "That's not Katerina."

"Oh, you mean..."

Elijah nodded. "She was the first."

"What's her name?" Elena asked.

Elijah's expression went cold. "I haven't spoken her name since the day she died."

"How creepy," Elena said. "This whole place gives me the chills, E. I think I need to go for a swim and get some sun-"

"Miss Gilbert, would you do me the honor of allowing your portrait to be painted so that I may add you to the gallery?"

Elena winced. "I don't know..."

"Please? I need your picture to complete my collection It'll make Klaus _so jealous!_" Elijah pleaded. "What do you say?"

"Well, okay. I guess if it makes the guy who's gonna kill me jealous, it's for a good cause," Elena said.

Elijah clapped his hands. "That's the spirit! You'll find a dress in your closet. I'll have the artist meet you in the gardens in an hour."

"As long as I don't have to wear a corset, I'm fine with it," Elena sighed.

Elijah laughed. "Oh no, Miss Gilbert. A corset is absolutely required to get in this gallery. Didn't you read the sign?" He pointed to a brass plaque hanging near the doorway which read:

_NO CORSET? NO PORTRAIT!_

"Damn it!" Elena huffed. "Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to wear a corset? It's like a medieval torture device!"

Elijah shrugged. "Don't know. Don't care. They still look hot."

Elena twirled her hair flirtatiously. "So... are you gonna help me lace up?"

Elijah laughed. "Don't be ridiculous! Just dial star-six-seven on your phone for the castle's corset lace assistant. She'll fix you right up."

Elena frowned glumly. "You've hired a person just to lace corsets?"

"Nah. She does my shoelaces and neck ties, too," Elijah said.

"You're older than dirt and you still can't tie your own tie?" Elena asked incredulously.

"I can! I just choose not to!" Elijah snapped. "Besides, I've got far too much money to be tying my own shoes."

"Good point," Elena said. "Well, I'd better go slip into my medieval torture device so I can get myself memorialized post-mortem in this creepy doppelganger fetish gallery. See ya later."

* * *

An hour later, Elena found herself in the flower gardens, dressed in a Victorian era gown, and already experiencing back spasms and restricted breathing thanks to the corset. She waited and waited until the artist finally showed up, carrying his easel and a satchel full of oil paints and brushes. The long haired man looked very familiar.

"'ello, love. Sorry I'm late." The artist spoke with a thick English accent.

"One, don't call me 'love,'" Elena snapped. "And two, aren't you that guy who-"

"That guy who kidnapped you and lost his head a lil' bit? Yeah, yeah," he said.

"Trevor, right?" Elena asked.

"That's right, love," Trevor said.

"Hey! Watch it... so this is a surprise. I thought Elijah killed you dead," Elena said.

"Oh, he certainly did, love," Trevor said as he set up his canvas. "But Elijah don't like givin' up 'is servants jus' that easily."

"So how did you get your head back?" Elena asked.

"Ah! Miracle what witches can do these days, love," Trevor said. "Amazing piece o'work, innit?"

"Yeah, if it weren't for the horrible scar tissue and the huge row of stitches going all the way around your neck, no one could ever tell you'd been decapitated," Elena said. "So are you still in the kidnapping business, or are you doing art full time now?"

"I work for Elijah. Mostly painting doppelgangers. Chap's completely _obsessed_ with doppelgangers, right. Been 'at way since Katerina showed up on our doorstep, I suppose," Trevor said. "I reckon 'ats why he hadda revive me. He's got no one else to paint 'is precious _doppelgangers_ for 'im."

"How freaky," Elena said.

Trevor clapped his hands once. "Alright! So you can just go ahead and drop your dress love, and I'll get 'er started."

"Hey! I drop my dress for no one, jackass!" Elena snapped.

"Well 'en, 'ow you expect me to paint you nude, love?" Trevor asked.

"You're _not_ supposed to paint me nude! I didn't spend an hour getting into this corset for nothing! Now you're gonna paint me in this garden with this damn dress on and if you don't make me look _hotter than Katherine_, I'm gonna tell Elijah how you tried to get me naked and he's gonna chop your head off again!" Elena blasted.

"Alright, alright love! Point taken," Trevor said. "_And everyone thought Katerina was the bitch,_" he mumbled.

"She _is_ the bitch! _I'm_ the nice one!" Elena shouted. "Now get painting before I get you killed!"

* * *

Meanwhile, outside the Salvatore boarding house, Stefan leaned at the door of the SUV while Damon climbed into the driver's seat.

"Aw, can't I go with you guys?" Stefan whined.

"Hell no," Damon said, slamming the door closed.

Stefan leaned into the car window, irritating his brother with incessant whining. "Why not? I want to save Elena too!"

"It's too dangerous," Damon said firmly.

"So what? I've been in dangerous situations before... like when those tomb vamps kidnapped me, or when I got stuck down in the well full of vervain," Stefan said.

"Yeah, but Elena was there both times to save your sorry ass. It's not like that this time. _We're_ trying to save _her_. See the difference?" Damon explained. "Therefore, you're a useless waste of screen time."

"But I still want to go," Stefan whined.

"You have to stay here," Damon said firmly.

"Why?" Stefan whined.

"I've already told you," Damon said. "Because _someone_ has to stay home and bring in the mail every day so the mailman doesn't get pissed off when the box gets too full! It's a crucial job, Stefan. The question is, can I count on you?"

Stefan sighed. "Alright, Damon. I'll do it. I won't let you down."

"That's what makes you the good brother," Damon said, climbing into the driver's seat of the SUV. "Alright, let's go, people! It only counts if we get to Elena _before_ she dies, you know?"

Katherine climbed into the passenger seat and threw her heavy bag carelessly into the back seat, hitting Caroline squarely on the head. "Ouch! What the hell do you have in there, a bowling ball?" the perky blonde vampire snarled.

"Kiss my foot, Caroline!" Katherine snapped. "I've already killed you once, I can easily-"

"Yeah, yeah, you've used that threat already!" Caroline shouted.

"You sure you know where we're going?" Katherine asked Damon.

"Yup," Damon said as he put the car in gear, and the oddball threesome headed off on the road.

"Where _are_ we going?" Caroline asked. "Nobody ever tells me what's going on, like I'm too neurotic to be trusted with information! It's so annoying! I mean like I may be a little bit jumpy and nervous and like a little bit obsessive compulsive and sure, maybe I do have low self esteem, but it's not like-"

"Shut up! We're going to Elijah's secret hideout to rescue Elena," Damon said. "It's not that complicated."

"If it's such a secret, how did you figure out where it is?" Caroline asked.

"Easy. I planted a GPS tracker in Elena's overnight bag. We've got the location," Damon explained.

"So what are our roles?" Caroline asked.

"I'm the muscle, and Katherine is the diabolical genius mastermind," Damon said.

"The _smoking hot and seriously twisted_ diabolical genius mastermind," Katherine added.

"Cool... so what's the plan?" Caroline asked.

"We're going to wing it," Damon said.

"I have a working knowledge of Elijah's security systems," Katherine said over her shoulder. "He hires a lot of illegal aliens, paying them criminally low wages to work security. It shouldn't be too difficult to get past them."

"Neat! This is starting to sound very _Mission Impossible_ and I love it!" Caroline cheered.

"Remind me why we're bringing this annoying little freak along with us?" Katherine asked Damon.

"She's our buffer," Damon explained as he put the car in gear and took to the road.

"Did you just compare me to Buffy? Awesome! That's such a sweet compliment!" Caroline beamed gleefully.

"Not Buffy. I said _buffer_," Damon said loudly. "You're here to make sure Katherine and I don't kill each other before we save Elena."

"Oh," Caroline said, disappointed.

"Why didn't you bring the witch instead? At least she'd be more useful than this teeny bopper," Katherine complained to Damon.

"Hell no! Not worth it. I don't want anyone suggesting that I'm into that Bamon bullshit," Damon groaned.

"Come on, Damon, it's inevitable," Katherine teased. "If this shit keeps going the way it is, there's bound to be some Bamon action sooner or later."

Damon gritted his teeth and accelerated the car. "Everyone knows there's no such thing as _Bamon!_ Quit perpetuating the myth, Katherine!"

"So what's our team name going to be?" Caroline asked.

"Let's see," Katherine said, "three vampires... two chicks... one sexy brunette, and one irritatingly ditzy blonde... one badass lover boy with a short fuse... both of you turned through my own blood... and Damon's slept with both of us... hmm... how about _Team Katherine and Her Faithful Minions?_"

Damon rolled his eyes. "Sucks."

"Fine! What about _Team Boobs n' Blood?_ We still haven't used that one yet, and I think it's damn good," Katherine suggested.

"I like it!" Caroline cheered.

"I _still don't_ like it, but I'll live with it," Damon said.

"So after we save Elena and my job is done, you two are free to kill each other, right?" Caroline asked.

"Sure. Anything goes," Damon said.

"Aw, what's the matter, Damon?" Katherine mocked. "What are you more angry about? That we're both in love with Elena? Or is it that I'm willing to fight for her? Or are you just bitter that I had sex with her before you did?" She cackled heartily.

"How did you manage that, anyway?" Damon asked hesitantly. "Just wondering."

"We're Petrova doppelgangers. We're not immune to our own seductive charms," Katherine explained.

"Wait a minute! Hold the freaking phone!" Caroline called out from the back seat. "Are you two telling me that _I'm the only one_ in this car who _hasn't_ had sex with Elena?"

"Yup." Katherine and Damon echoed each other.

"I can't believe this!" Caroline threw her hands in the air.

Katherine looked back over her shoulder and laughed at Caroline's frustration. "Jealous, blondie?"

"No," Caroline said sadly. The car went silent for a minute. "Alright, so what if I'm a little bit jealous? Is that like a crime or something? Is that really the end of the world?" she blasted.

"Caroline, I thought we agreed that you wouldn't _talk_ during this road trip. Listen to your iPod, or go to sleep or something," Damon said.

"I never even knew Elena was into girls..." Caroline muttered sadly.

"She's a lesbian," Katherine announced proudly.

"She's a lesbian? I can't believe she never told me," Caroline sniffled. "All these years we've been friends... I feel so left out."

"She's _not_ a lesbian," Damon groaned.

"You _wish_," Katherine scoffed. "She's still in denial. But trust me, her moves in bed don't lie. Elena is a natural born lesbian. End of story."

"You're just feeding Elena all of that pink triangle propaganda so she'll choose you," Damon said.

"_It's not a choice_, Damon," Katherine scoffed. "She was _born_ that way. She just needs to come to terms with it. Elena and I are destined to be together as eternal doppel-lovers. Deal with it."

"That still doesn't necessarily mean she's a lesbian," Damon said.

"Alright, let's put it this way: on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate Elena in bed?" Katherine challenged.

Damon scratched his chin. "Like a six; maybe six and a half..."

Katherine laughed. "Six? Oh, I'm gonna tell Elena you said that! You're _so_ dumped!"

"I said six and a half!" Damon growled. "So what about you?"

"Ten. Easily," Katherine purred.

"You're bluffing!" Damon groaned.

"Nope!"

"She's _that_ good?" Damon asked.

"It surprised me, too," Katherine said.

"Wait... it was her first time with a girl and _you,_ of all people, rate her a ten?" Damon asked incredulously.

"Yup," Katherine said. "Girl really knows how to hit all the right spots."

"Shit! Maybe she _really is_ a lesbian," Damon sighed.

"Told you," Katherine said smugly.

"These statistics are flawed," Caroline protested. "You two are doppelgangers. You already have very personal knowledge of each others' bodies... knowledge that gives you _an unfair advantage_."

Katherine laughed. "That's right! Advantage: _Team Me._"

Caroline yawned. "Are we there yet, Damon?"

"No."

"When are we gonna get there?" Caroline whined.

"Katherine, inject her with some vervain," Damon ordered.

"_Gladly_," Katherine snickered as she unzipped her backpack.

"No! I'll be good! I'll be good!" Caroline shouted.


	21. Love Bites

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 21: LOVE BITES  
**

* * *

Alone within the confines of her awesome castle bedroom, Elena jumped on her bed with lighthearted abandon. Her mattress was a literal dumping ground for all of the leftovers she had from her room service ordering frenzy, and her bouncy feet more than once trampled over pizza crusts, soggy nachos, and discarded muffin bottoms. Meanwhile, the sixty-four inch plasma television hammered her senses into numbness with an assault of violent and erotic high definition content.

Elijah entered the room, his shirt collar unbuttoned. Elena knew he only tended to do that after a really rough day.

"Hey E!" Elena called out. "Want to watch True Blood with me? It's about to start."

"No, thank you," Elijah politely declined.

"Why not? It's hot," Elena persisted, still bouncing.

"I really hate the accents. It drives me crazy, and makes me want to kill people and smash things," Elijah explained.

"Oh, yeah. That can be annoying," Elena said. "I mostly watch it for the hot sex."

Elijah scoffed. "I don't believe in such a thing."

Elena immediately stopped bouncing, her jaw hung agape. "You _don't believe_ in hot sex?" she repeated.

"Nope."

Elena was gobsmacked. "But my lord, it is too sad for me to accept. Life is too cruel. If we cease to believe in hot sex, why would we want to live?"

Elijah shrugged. "Awesome castles, fast cars, billions of dollars... and doppelganger sacrifices?"

Elena nodded. "Yeah, I guess those are good too, but it's not the same..."

"Well, see ya," Elijah said and quickly ducked out of the room.

Upset and determined to find some more answers, Elena stormed into her bathroom and looked into the huge mirror behind the sink, but she was only greeted by her own boring, straight laced, plain Jane, girl next door reflection. "Just my luck, he's not here," she muttered. Out of curiosity, she knocked on the mirror with her fist. "Hello?" she called.

"Who's there?" a ghostly voice echoed through the bathroom.

"Umm... it's Elena," she stammered. "Elena Gilbert... is Luka home?"

"Hold on," the voice said. _"Yo Luka! Some Elena chick is at the mirror! Want me to get rid of her?"_

After about thirty seconds, the image of Luka appeared in the mirror, wearing his typically goofy grin. "Hey Elena! What's up? I'm totally stoked that you want to hang out with me again!"

"I don't want to hang out with you; I just want to ask you a few questions about Elijah since you've known him much longer than me," Elena said.

Luka hung his head sadly. "Oh."

"It's just that ever since I got here, Elijah's been acting kind of... _weird,_" Elena said.

"He's a bit eccentric, you know."

"I know, but... it's like he's avoiding me on purpose or something. He didn't even want to watch kinky vampire stuff with me," Elena said sadly. "What's up with that?"

Luka rolled his eyes. "Maybe he's just not into you. Ever think about that, princess?"

That pissed Elena right off. "Like hell! _Everyone_ is into me!" she snapped.

"Not Elijah," Luka said assuredly.

"What makes you so sure? And wipe that goofy grin off your face!" Elena blasted.

"Look, Elijah's more of a _man's man_, if you get what I'm saying," Luka said.

"Are you suggesting that Elijah is _gay_?" Elena fumed.

"I'm not suggesting; I'm _saying_. Elijah is gay," Luka said.

Elena shook her head. "Bullshit! I don't believe it for a second!"

"Oh really?" Luka challenged. "He's over a thousand, single, and thin. Haven't you noticed how well-dressed he is? And how clean he is? A little bit _too clean _for a straight guy, maybe?"

"But... but..."

"Or what about his fancy haircuts?" Luka ranted on. "Haven't you noticed his well-manicured nails?"

Elena's jaw dropped. "Oh my God! You're right! All the pieces fit! Why didn't I see this before?"

"In fact, I think he and my dad-"

"No!" Elena blasted, covering her ears with her hands. "I don't want to hear this!"

Luka snickered. "Don't you find it strange how Elijah has all the good looks, a billion dollars, and an awesome castle, but the only women he hangs out with are doppelgangers who are going to be sacrificed?"

"But there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for that... maybe... I think," Elena said.

"Which is?"

"I don't know!" Elena snapped. "I'm trying to think..."

"Just face it: Elijah _doesn't want you_. He's _not_ attracted to you. He just wants you _dead_, like all of the other women in his life," Luka said, laughing at Elena's stupor and misfortune.

"No! I refuse to accept it! I'm a Petrova doppelganger! _Everyone_ wants me! Everyone has to _want me! _It's my birthright,_ damn it!_" Elena blasted in a fit of rage. "Elijah might not want me now, but so help me, I'm going to borrow a page from Katherine's book! I'm going to _make_ him want me! And then after he falls in love with me, I'll _dump_ his lame ass! And I'll tell him that I _never_ loved him, and that I've always loved his brother Klaus!" Elena cackled maniacally and ran out of the bathroom, eager to set her diabolical plan into motion.

Luka noticed how deliciously _evil_ Elena was, and became quite turned on by it.

* * *

Outside the castle, Elena ran around the grounds until she finally found Elijah, who was taking his regular evening stroll on the yellow brick road leading through the Enchanted Gardens.

"Elijah!" Elena shouted as she caught up to him.

Elijah looked surprised. "Miss Gilbert. I thought you'd retired for the night."

Elena panted to catch her breath from the running. "What's your problem?"

"Pardon me?"

"Why have you been avoiding me ever since I got here?" Elena ranted. "Am I not hot enough for you? Am I too young? Or not young enough? Is my hair too straight? Are my boobs too small? Is it because I don't like to wear corsets? Is it because I'm the _second_ Petrova doppelganger, rather than the first? That's it, isn't it? You've always got to have number one! You've _always_ got to be _number one_, the best of everything! That's it, right? Tell me!"

Elijah was dumbfounded. "Have you gone mad?"

"No. Not about this!" Elena panted. "What do you want from me, Elijah?"

"Your sacrifice will be sufficient enough, Miss Gilbert," Elijah said.

"I'm not talking about the damned sacrifice!" Elena blasted. "Don't you... _desire_ me... in a way that's _not_ sacrifice related? Like you did with Katherine?"

"Miss Gilbert..."

"Don't give me that Miss Gilbert crap! What does Katherine have that I don't? Don't you want me? Everyone else does! Why not you?"

Elijah smirked. "Are you _challenging_ me, little girl?"

Elena stood aggressively with her hands poised on her hips. "Yes! I _challenge_ you, Elijah! I _dare_ you to make a move! That is, if you think you're _man enough_ to handle this much doppeliciousness!"

Elijah shook his head and laughed haughtily. "Oh, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into..."

"Show me!" Elena blasted.

"Do you realize I could rip your spinal column out so fast it wouldn't displace any other bones in your body, and your limp corpse would just fold over like a soggy gingerbread man?" Elijah offered.

"Bring it on then!" Elena snapped. "You're all talk and no action!"

"You don't fear me?" Elijah asked curiously.

"No! Do I look _afraid_ to you?" Elena mocked fearlessly.

"Damn... that's pretty hot," Elijah muttered.

"I know you want me!" Elena snapped.

"But there's _only one thing_ I desire," Elijah said.

"Which is?" Elena asked. Elijah's eyes drifted to her neck. "Oh!" she gasped.

"You don't have what I want," Elijah said.

"Like hell I don't! My blood is sweeter than a Georgia peach!" Elena snapped. "I just..."

"You were saying?"

"Um... I just..." Elena stammered nervously. "It's just that I've never..."

"Oh!" Elijah nodded knowingly. "You mean you've never... _gone all the way_ before?"

"Right."

"I have to admit I find it hard to believe," Elijah said.

"You do?" Elena asked with renewed optimism. "Well, it's not really my fault. Stefan has a little blood problem. We could never... be _intimate_, because it would make him go insane crazy, rip my lungs out and feast on the gooey innards."

"This is your boyfriend you're talking about?" Elijah asked incredulously.

Elena nodded. "Yup, that's Stefan Salvatore. Nice guy."

"I think you should go back to your room, Miss Gilbert, and go to sleep," Elijah said.

"No," Elena said, brushing her hair back over her shoulder and tipping her head to the side. "I want to do this with you."

Elijah seductively ran a finger along the soft of her neck. "Are you... absolutely certain?"

"Yes. Klaus is coming, and I don't want him to be my first," Elena explained. "I'd rather my first time be with someone gentle, like you."

Elijah laughed coldly. "Who says I'm gentle?"

Elena gulped. "Well I guess I just assumed you were the good brother..."

"But sometimes the good brother turns out to be a violent lunatic schizophrenic and a total ass wipe loser prick with no life," Elijah pointed out.

"Point taken," Elena said. "So... does it hurt?"

"The initial penetration can hurt, but after that it should be smooth sailing... right up until the point when you lose consciousness and begin to die," Elijah explained.

"Okay then," Elena said, tugging her shirt collar to the side. "Do me."

"What, right here? Right now?"

"Bite me, Elijah!" Elena shouted.

Elijah held up a finger. "I'm not going to ask again..."

"_Bite me!_" Elena demanded.

That was the last thing Elena remembered before blacking out. She woke up in her bed with two sore wounds on her neck and a fierce hangover. Whether the headache was from blood loss or from all of the margaritas she drank the night before, she didn't know. "So much for making my 'first time' memorable," she grumbled, clamping a pillow over her pounding head.


	22. Three is an Orgy

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 22: THREE IS AN ORGY  
**

* * *

At dusk, Damon, Katherine, and Caroline arrived at their destination nearby Elijah's castle. Damon killed the engine on the SUV and the vehicle rolled quietly downhill, close enough to the castle so that they could do a little surveillance from a good safe distance. The GPS tracker that Damon had planted in Elena's overnight bag indicated that she was indeed in the castle.

Security looked tight. There was one main entrance into the castle walls and the drawbridge remained closed. The wide moat surrounding the castle walls curiously glowed with light every few seconds.

"What's all that flashing light?" Caroline asked.

"It's from the sharks with laser beams on their heads," Katherine explained. "Elijah loves that sort of thing."

Damon peered at the castle through a camera with a huge telephoto lens. "They don't seem big enough to be sharks. I think they're just sea bass or catfish or something."

"Sea bass with frickin' laser beams on their heads?" Caroline asked nervously.

"I can't see much. It's getting too dark," Damon said.

The team agreed that it would be best to check in to a hotel for the night. In the morning, they would do a full stakeout of the castle to look for weaknesses in security, and then they would draw up a plan to infiltrate the grounds and extract Elena without her pre-authorized written or verbal consent.

* * *

The quirky threesome carried their bags into the modestly sized and sparsely decorated room and settled down. Katherine kicked open the cooler full of blood bags and grabbed herself a pouch of plasma. "Anybody need a cold one?"

"Over here," Damon said. Katherine flipped a bag in the air and he caught it with a satisfying squish.

Damon felt the bag. "That's not cold, Katherine."

"Don't blame me! The ice is all melted," Katherine said. "There's an ice machine down the hall."

"I'll go get some. This stuff tastes nasty at room temperature," Damon said, pocketing the bag. On his way out of the room, he pulled Caroline into the hallway to speak to her in private. "I need you to keep a watchful eye on Katherine. I need to know ahead of time of any possible signs that she's going to betray me, steal the car, stab me in the back and run away with Elena to Mexico, or anything like that. Got it?"

"Sure. No problem. I'm on your side," Caroline said.

Damon took off down the hall and Caroline ducked back in the room, only to be violently accosted by Katherine, who grabbed the blonde by the neck and shoved her against the wall. Caroline winced at the all too familiar feeling of Katherine's strangle hold.

"Alright blondie, here's how this is going to work," Katherine growled. "We're going to let Damon believe he's the leader, but I'm the one calling the shots behind the scenes. Anything I tell you instantly overrides Damon's orders. Got it?"

"I'm not scared of you anymore!" Caroline snarled.

Katherine's grip loosened a little bit, but her eyes were still full of mischief. She kept Caroline pinned to the wall. "God, you're hot," Katherine purred. "When did you get so hot?"

"Oh no, this is creepy," Caroline gasped.

"Listen up. You're going to follow _my orders_ and keep it a secret from Damon," Katherine growled authoritatively.

"Or else what?" Caroline snapped.

"Damn, you're so hot when you disobey," Katherine cooed. The perky blonde's eyes bulged when Katherine plundered her mouth with a forceful kiss.

"What the hell?" Caroline groaned.

"I want what I want, and I don't care what I have to do to get it! My list of bed mates is a long one, and I have no problem adding one more name to that list!" Katherine snarled.

"Okay, okay! I'll do whatever you say! Just let me go!" Caroline relented. Katherine let her go.

"Good. As long as we understand each other," Katherine said.

"Stop looking at me with crazed lust in your eyes!" Caroline whined.

Katherine shrugged. "That's how I look all the time."

"Oh yeah! You're right," Caroline said, realizing it was true.

Damon returned with two buckets of ice and dumped it all into the cooler to chill the tepid blood bags.

"Alright, so I suggest we get a good nights' rest and start early tomorrow," Damon said. "We'll stakeout the castle from a good distance, take more digital pictures, and map out the best way in. Any questions?"

"Yeah," Caroline said. "There are three of us, but there are only two beds in here."

Katherine rolled her eyes. "That's not a _question_. You're such a blonde."

"No big deal. I'll take the one on the left; you and Katherine share the one on the right," Damon said.

"Ew! I'm not sharing with Katherine! Not after what she..." Caroline trailed off.

"I'll just get my own room," Katherine said.

"Oh no, you don't!" Damon snapped. "You're not leaving our sight. We're all staying in the same room."

"Don't you trust me? I promise I won't betray you until we get Elena back," Katherine teased coyly.

Damon shook his head. "Not good enough."

Katherine sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll sleep with you, Damon. Watch me all you want, but I can't guarantee you'll stay dry."

"Fine with me," Caroline said.

"No! That's a bit too close for comfort," Damon said.

"Worried you won't be able to control yourself?" Katherine purred. "Fine; then put me back in Caroline's bed."

"Just let Katherine have her own bed, Damon," Caroline said. "You and I can share."

"Oh, you're still into Damon, huh? I always knew it!" Katherine teased the blonde vamp.

"No!" Caroline snapped.

"Well, you don't have to make it sound so _implausible_," Damon said sadly.

"Sorry," Caroline apologized.

"Okay then, there's only one way this can work out," Damon concluded. "All three of us will have to share one bed."

Katherine laughed. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Do you have a better idea?" Damon challenged.

"Alright, what's the arrangement?" Katherine asked.

"Caroline takes the middle, since she's the buffer. That way I still get to keep a close... but _not too close..._ eye on Katherine in case she tries to betray us, and Caroline doesn't have to feel creepy and dirty about sharing a bed alone with Katherine. It all works," Damon said. "Agreed?"

"Fine," Caroline agreed.

"Sounds yummy. We're an odd little threesome, aren't we?" Katherine purred. Damon and Caroline glared.

* * *

Later that night in the hotel room, Damon's sleeping arrangements were put into effect. They all shared a single bed, with Damon on one side, Caroline in the middle, and Katherine on the opposite side. And it all seemed to be working out, for a little while...

"Quit it," Caroline said quietly. "Stop..."

"What's the problem?" Damon asked.

"Katherine keeps pulling my hair!" Caroline whined.

"Katherine, stop pulling her hair," Damon scolded. "Get some sleep."

"Your hair smells nice," Katherine said quietly.

"Thanks... I think," Caroline said.

"What do you use?" Katherine asked.

"I'm not telling you!" Caroline snapped.

"Why the hell not?" Katherine interrogated.

"Because I don't want anyone else to smell like me," Caroline said.

"And they call _me_ the selfish one," Katherine groaned.

"Shut up, you two!" Damon snapped. "And quit hogging the sheets, Caroline."

"It's not me! Katherine pulled everything over on her side," Caroline whined. "And she's monopolizing the pillows..."

"Quit complaining, Caroline," Damon said.

"I like your nightie," Katherine told Caroline.

"Thanks," Caroline said back over her shoulder. She had to stay turned away from Katherine's lusty gaze for fear of getting creeped out.

"Be quiet," Damon's voice belted out through the darkness.

"I never realized you had such nice legs before..." Katherine said quietly.

"Damon, she's being creepy again," Caroline said.

"Stop being creepy, Katherine," Damon sighed.

The room went silent. Katherine leaned over and whispered something in Caroline's ear, and the blonde burst out laughing.

"What now?" Damon blasted.

"Nothing. Sorry," Caroline giggled.

Again, Katherine whispered something in Caroline's ear that made her giggle. "That's naughty," Caroline said.

"Have you ever done _stuff_ with a girl before?" Katherine whispered.

"You mean like..." Caroline trailed off. "No!"

"It can be nice, you know," Katherine said, petting Caroline's hair amorously.

"Damon! She's putting sexy thoughts in my head!" Caroline whined.

"Stop putting sexy thoughts in her head, Katherine," Damon groaned.

The room went silent again for a few minutes, until Caroline's voice again pierced through the darkness, at first a hushed whisper, and growing progressively louder. "_Stop... hey... cut that out... seriously... Katherine!_"

Katherine giggled.

"Damon, she's tickling me!" Caroline whined.

"Am not," Katherine whined.

"Are too!" Caroline whined.

"Am not!" Katherine snapped.

"Katherine, stop tickling her!" Damon blasted.

"She started it!" Katherine whined.

"Did not!" Caroline whined.

"Did too! You rubbed up against my boobs!" Katherine whined.

"That was an accident!" Caroline whined.

"_Sure_ it was," Katherine said facetiously. "You've been trying to cop a feel all night."

"_You've_ been trying to cop a feel from _me_ all night!" Caroline scoffed.

"Cut it out, or I'm going to separate you two!" Damon snapped authoritatively. "That's enough!"

The room went silent yet again. And yet again, it seemed to stick, for a little while, until Caroline's voice once again broke through the dark.

"Hey!" Caroline giggled, struggling to keep her voice down. "_Ooh,_" the peppy blonde sighed pleasurably. "That feels... but... I... don't... think... uh... oh my! _Oh my_... _oooooh_," she moaned.

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that," Katherine said with a hushed, husky voice. "And this..."

"_Oh God,_" Caroline gasped.

"Yeah, you like that, huh? I knew you were a dirty girl..." Katherine breathed into the blonde's ear.

"_Ooh,_" Caroline moaned. "A little bit lower..."

"Say my name," Katherine said.

"_Ooh... Katherine_," Caroline moaned.

"Right there?" Katherine whispered.

"_Oooooh_ you're really good at that!" Caroline giggled.

"Alright! That's it!" Damon snarled and shot upright in bed. "I've had it with you kids! You two can't behave yourselves? I'm separating you! Switch places with me, Caroline. Come on, move it!"

"Aw, do I have to? I was just starting to enjoy it," Caroline whined.

"Yes, you have to! Roll over!" Damon ordered. Caroline complied and they switched places, leaving Damon in the middle of the bed between the two girls. "We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow. Enough is enough already."

"Damon, you've become such a boring loser since you've been in love with Elena," Katherine said.

"Am not!" Damon snapped.

"Are too!" Katherine fired back.

"Am not!" Damon repeated.

"Are too! You're turning into Stefan," Katherine said.

"No way!" Damon fired back.

"Oh really? When was the last time you had group sex with and fed on a bunch of sorority girls?" Katherine challenged.

"Hey, I can still party! I just haven't had the time for it!" Damon complained.

"Actually, she's kind of got a point there, Damon," Caroline interjected. "You've lost your edge. Elena's got you so whipped, and she's not even your girl."

"So true!" Katherine giggled. "He's turning into Stefan. Pretty soon he'll be drinking animal blood and volunteering to change diapers at the convalescent home."

"If you two don't shut up I'm going to inject you both with vervain!" Damon blasted.

"Doesn't affect me," Katherine muttered.

"Shut it, Katherine," Damon said. "I'm not going to say it again."

And yet again, the room fell silent. And yet again, it didn't last...

"Katherine, stop it!" Damon warned.

"I didn't do anything," Katherine whined.

"Quit touching my chest," Damon said.

"I didn't," Katherine insisted.

"That was me. Sorry," Caroline said. "You've always had really nice, hard abs..."

"Let me feel," Katherine said. In a second, Damon had four female hands working down his chest. "Oh yeah, rock hard."

"My abs aren't located in my boxers, Katherine," Damon said.

"I have to admit, I kind of miss the days when you were using me for sex and blood," Caroline told Damon.

"Have you lost your mind, Caroline?" Damon snapped.

"No! Katherine just got me horny with her tickly touchy teasy things!" Caroline whined.

"Of course! She's infected you now," Damon told Caroline.

"Blame it all on me! Everything is always Katherine's fault!" Katherine sighed.

"Infected me? With what?" Caroline asked, slightly paranoid.

"The Petrova touch," Katherine said ominously.

"What's the Petrova touch?" Caroline asked hesitantly.

"You know how Midas' touch turned everything to gold? Well, everyone she touches turns horny," Damon explained.

"Oh my God! What can I do? Is there a cure?" Caroline asked, jittery and nervous.

"There's only one cure, and it isn't pretty... it's hot, and wet, and sticky," Katherine purred as she slipped out of her nightie. "Alright, let's do this thing. I'm on top. Damon, you're the meat in this sandwich."

Caroline cowered behind Damon. "Damon... I'm scared," she whispered.

"You should be," Damon said, just before Katherine pounced on both of them.


	23. Knockers

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 23: KNOCKERS**

* * *

Elena breathed a happy sigh as she walked through the front door of her own house. Finally coming home was of great comfort after being away at Elijah's castle for weeks.

"Jeremy? Jenna? Is anyone home?" she called.

"Elena!" Jeremy raced in from the adjoining room and immediately gave his sister a hug that was so affectionate, it could have suggested incest to casual viewers. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm back," Elena said. "Turns out the sacrifice has to happen in the town of my birth."

"No chance, Elena," Jeremy said. "We're going to put a stop to this thing. Bonnie's just _dying_ to use all of her new powers."

"Not now, Jer. Elijah has a plan to save me. But right now, I've got to go say hi to Jonas!" Elena ran up the stairs with Jeremy chasing her.

"Elena, wait!" Jeremy pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears. Elena burst into her bathroom with Jeremy close behind her.

"Jonas?" she called into the mirror. "It's me! I'm home!"

"Elena," Jeremy tried again.

"Jonas! Hello?" Elena called. "What's his problem?"

Jeremy gripped his sister by the shoulders and spun her around. "Elena! Jonas is dead."

"Of course he's dead," Elena giggled. "How do you think he got in my mirror in the first place?"

Jeremy sighed. "No..."

"Jonas? Wake up!" Elena shouted, but the mirror remained starkly normal, with no sign of the cantankerous warlock.

"Elena, listen to me," Jeremy said. "Jonas is _dead._ He died."

Elena's smile faded. "What?"

"A couple weeks ago, I was in here taking a hot shower," Jeremy explained. "You know how steamy it gets in here. Well, when I got out, there was writing in the condensation on the mirror..."

Elena swallowed hard. "Oh my God..."

"It was a suicide note," Jeremy said sadly.

"No..." Elena shook her head in disbelief.

"He didn't want to live in a world without you, Elena."

"No!" Elena burst into tears and hugged her brother. "How could he kill himself? He's already dead! This makes no sense at all!" she sobbed.

"Apparently, his afterlife sucked even worse than his regular life. He just wanted to end it," Jeremy said. "I'm so sorry."

"It's all my fault! This is all my fault! I should have been here for him!" Elena sobbed as she looked over Jeremy's shoulder into the painfully empty mirror.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Salvatore boarding house, Stefan and Damon were waiting in the hall while Katherine bounced down the stairs wearing a gray athletic top that hugged her curves rather nicely.

"Katherine," Damon said.

"Yes, Damon? Don't tell me you're horny again already..." Katherine was surprised to see Stefan home as well. "Oh, hey Stef."

"Don't call me Stef," Stefan said.

Damon crossed his arms over his chest. "Klaus is coming to town, and Stefan and I want to know where you stand."

Stefan cleared his throat. "Basically, we need to know you're not going to do something stupid, like stab me with vervain, throw me in the bushes, and kidnap Elena."

"_Damn it! There goes my whole plan!"_ Katherine thought to herself. "My goals are simple," she said. "I want Klaus dead and Elena in my bed... which puts me squarely on Team You." The brothers just stood there, staring, not saying a word. "Anyway, I'm going shopping with Elena. We've got nothing to wear for the sacrifice. Be back later."

Katherine turned and left the boarding house. The brothers stared after her as if in trance. After minutes of silence, Damon finally broke the ice. "Is it just me, or did her boobs look especially amazing in that shirt?"

Stefan shook his head. "Not just you."

"So supple... and round," Damon went on, gazing off down the hall.

"Not too big... not too small..." Stefan added.

Damon nodded. "But still a decent handful..."

"Oh, definitely," Stefan agreed.

"Inspiring, really," Damon said.

"A celebration of life itself," Stefan said.

"A work of art. Living poetry," Damon said.

"So full of promise," Stefan drawled on in wonder.

"Isn't that what it's all about?" Damon pondered in amazement.

"Truth," Stefan said. "Remember that corset she used to wear? The white one?"

"With the gold trim? How could I forget," Damon said.

"Yeah."

"Good times." Damon reminisced. "I mean aside from all of the horrible tragedy, betrayal, and death."

"Hey, Damon?"

"Yeah, Stefan?"

"Do you realize we've been sort of entranced, talking about Katherine's boobs for the past ten minutes?" Stefan asked.

"Has it really been that long?" Damon asked.

"Yup."

"We really should think about taking up some new hobbies," Damon said.

"Yeah, maybe we should," Stefan said.

Damon frowned. "So what did she say, anyway?"

"I have no idea," Stefan said. "Something about Team Something... or something."

Damon sighed. "Man. We're so screwed."

Stefan nodded slowly. "I know."

* * *

Elena was heading out of her house. She had been expecting Katherine to pick her up, so it was a surprise when Caroline showed up on the front porch.

"Hey, Caroline," Elena said.

"That's it? All I get is a lousy 'hey?'" Caroline asked sounding mildly upset.

"Sorry, but I'm just on my way out," Elena said.

"To see Katherine, no doubt," Caroline hissed.

"Yeah, actually. Have you seen her around?"

Caroline crossed her arms. "Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?"

"Taking what too far? What's your problem?"

Caroline rolled her eyes "I'm talking about you and Katherine going around with your matching outfits, just giggling and laughing it up like no one else in the world exists. Everybody knows you two are a couple!" She huffed with disgust.

"Oh, please," Elena sighed. "Katherine and I are _not_ a couple."

"Elena, why didn't you ever tell me you're a lesbian?" Caroline asked.

"Because I'm _not_," Elena groaned.

"But you and Katherine..."

"That's different! We're doppelgangers! We have a special kind of love/hate relationship that defies logic," Elena objected.

"I don't get it," Caroline said. "I thought we were BFFs!"

"We are!"

"So why haven't you ever made a pass at me? Am I not attractive enough for you? Is it my hips?" Caroline whined.

"Your hips are fine! I'm just not-" Silenced by Caroline's surprise kiss, Elena struggled to break away and retreated back into her house, locking the door behind her. "Ah! Everyone needs to stop kissing me!"

"Elena!" Caroline shouted, pounding on the door. "Open up! I need you! I want you! Elena! Please, open up!"

Elena's slid down to the floor with her back against the door. Jeremy heard all of the commotion and came in to check it out. "Elena, what's wrong?"

"Everyone loves me!" she whimpered.

Jeremy hugged and comforted her. "Everything's gonna be alright..."

As much as Elena wanted to believe it, she couldn't. She just couldn't.


	24. First Dance

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 24: FIRST DANCE  
**

* * *

The next afternoon after school, Elena dropped by the boarding house. Stefan and Damon were quick to greet her, and thoroughly disappointed when they learned she came to see Katherine, rather than either of them.

"Is Katherine here?" Elena asked. "She's not answering her phone, and she hasn't made any nude tweets recently."

"No. She didn't come home last night... leaving my bed sadly inanimate," Damon said.

"Oh no," Elena sighed.

"I wouldn't worry. She knows how to take care of herself," Damon said, pouring himself a stiff one.

"Why do you want to see Katherine anyway?" Stefan asked.

"I need a date for the sixties dance at school tonight," Elena said.

"So what are you saying, Elena?" Stefan interrogated. "That you'd rather go with Katherine than show up with a Salvatore on each arm?"

Elena shrugged. "I promised Katherine a doppel date."

Damon scowled. "You can't be serious!"

Elena sighed. "No offense guys, but at this point, I think it's _less queer_ for me to date my doppelganger than to have two vampire brothers permanently attached to me everywhere I go. People talk, you know."

Damon smirked. "Yeah, well Katherine's not here, so..."

"I'll dig out a mod suit," Stefan said.

"I'll have to find my leather pants," Damon said, clapping his hands.

Elena quietly face-palmed herself. "That reminds me, have either of you guys noticed Alaric acting strange lately?"

The brothers shook their heads in unison. "Not really," Damon said.

"What's so strange about him?" Stefan asked.

"Like today in history class, he kept tripping up on his facts," Elena said. "And I'm pretty sure I caught him checking out my boobs. He also called me _Katerina_ a few times by mistake."

"And you say this is different from his normal behavior?" Stefan asked.

Damon shrugged. "Sounds like good ol' Ric to me."

* * *

Meanwhile, at Alaric's apartment, AlariKlaus stretched out in bed, pompously puffing on a cigarette. Beside him, Katherine impatiently thumbed through a magazine, her naked body covered only by the white cotton sheets. "I'm not sure what's more disturbing," Katherine thought to herself, "the fact that I just slept with Klaus in Alaric's body, or that Alaric has a subscription to _Cosmo_."

"That was bloody _amazing_," AlariKlaus beamed proudly. "Nothing like five hundred years of playing hard to get to really stoke up the flames of desire, eh Katerina?"

Katherine disinterestedly flipped through the magazine. "Meh..."

AlariKlaus frowned and took a drag on his cigarette. "Did you just say 'meh' to me?"

"No. I said _meh_ in general," Katherine said disinterestedly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" AlariKlaus demanded. "Is that some kind of backhanded commentary on the destiny sex?"

Katherine shrugged. "It's nothing. Forget it."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Katerina. I know when a woman says 'it's nothing,' it means _something_. It doesn't sound like _nothing_," AlariKlaus said. "If you've got something to say, out with it!"

"Look, it just wasn't any good, alright!" Katherine groaned, her attention never shifting away from the pages of the magazine.

"Not good? The destiny sex?" AlariKlaus demanded, flabbergasted.

"Of course the destiny sex," Katherine huffed.

"What _specifically_ wasn't good?" AlariKlaus demanded.

Katherine rolled her eyes. "Oh, I don't know... _everything_."

AlariKlaus sat up with a jolt. "Don't play with me, Katerina! You were as into it as I was, if not more!"

Katherine sighed. "I faked it, okay?"

AlariKlaus was aghast. "You what?"

"I faked it."

"_How much_ did you fake?" AlariKlaus gasped.

"Um... all of it," Katherine groaned.

"You're a _liar!_" AlariKlaus blasted. "How _dare_ you emasculate me! How _dare_ you challenge my sexual prowess! Look at me!" He grabbed her by the face and forcefully turned her head to meet his stare. "Tell me the truth: did you fake it?" he compelled her.

"I faked it," Katherine said with a drone.

"How much?" AlariKlaus demanded.

"All of it," Katherine droned.

"_Damn it!_" AlariKlaus cursed bitterly and punched the pillows. "Why did you do that?" he compelled.

"I just wanted to get it over with," Katherine droned.

Furious, AlariKlaus jumped out of bed and began stomping around the room in his boxer shorts; huffing, ranting, and throwing a fit. "_How dare you_ fake it with _me!_ This is an _outrage!_" he fumed, beating his chest like a gorilla. "I am _Klaus!_ Destroyer of worlds! Bringer of orgasms! _Nobody_ fakes it with me! _Nobody_ out-sexes me!"

Katherine rolled her eyes. "Kiss my foot, Klaus! Face it, you just don't live up to the_ hype!_ You're _not_ scary. You're _not_ sexy. You're not even all that diabolical as far as villains go. Hell, I'm a way better villain than you. Even Damon was a better villain... well, he was last year anyway. Damon is sexier, cockier, funnier, and his one-liners will _always_ beat yours, hands down. Your bag of tricks are old school and outdated! You're just an annoying prick, and you act like a whiny, spoiled child... and you _suck_ in bed! _Nobody_ likes you! Everyone already thinks you're a nuisance and wishes you'd hurry up and leave town." She happily tore a coupon out of the magazine. "Ooh... a dollar off. Not bad."

AlariKlaus stomped around the bedroom angrily. "Do you even know who you're talking to, young Katerina? I am _Klaus!_ Do you have _any idea_ how many fair young maidens I've _unceremoniously_ _deflowered_ during my _fifteen hundred_ year existence? The sheer volume of panties that I've torn asunder could fill the Grand Canyon! The numbers are _staggering! _The statistics _beggar belief! _Even NASA doesn't have technology powerful enough to crunch those numbers!"

Katherine just sighed and flipped through her magazine. "See, that's your problem, Klaus. You're so concerned with your numbers of _inexperienced_ young maidens that you have _no clue_ how to please a _real_ woman! Your social skills are so horrendous that you rely on _compulsion_ even to get a slut like me into bed! You're just a pathetic, dirtbag, grease-ball _loser!_ I've been with teenagers who were better than you! _Human_ teenagers! And no offense, but you're a little bit, well... on the _small _side."

"Hey, I'm not even in my own body! I'm not operating at full capacity! Cut me some slack!" AlariKlaus whined defeatedly. "I mean it's not like I had time to screen my prospective surrogates over how_ hung _they were!"

"Blame yourself! You're the one who was so hot for me you couldn't wait for your real body, and you had to compel me into bed when I wasn't even _in the mood_ in the first place!" Katherine groaned. "_Ooh, that's a hot little dress. Elena and I would look good in that,_" she muttered, her nose still in the magazine.

"Oh, spare me the _drama!_" AlariKlaus groaned. "When are you _ever_ not in the mood, Katerina? You're such a little slut you just _couldn't wait_ to climb aboard and get yourself some of _this_ action!" AlariKlaus shouted, framing his crotch. "I never compelled your sex! It was _real!_"

"No, Klaus. _Yours_ was real," Katherine said. "_Mine_ was fake."

He clawed at his own eyeballs in frustration. "This is _unbelievable!_ Never in my entire existence have I met anyone so _appallingly obnoxious_... so _disgustingly infuriating _as you, Katerina! If only you weren't sucha smoking hot little vixen..." AlariKlaus stomped around in anger. "I'll get you for this, Katerina!" he shouted. "This isn't over! So help me, Katerina... when I'm back in my body, I will _fuck you like a rusty chainsaw!_ I will _sever your cervix! Obliterate_ your ovaries! I will splatter your face with-"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Klaus. Just wake me up when it's all over," Katherine jabbed. "Is this how you intend to punish me? Five hundred years of being trapped in a sexually unsatisfying relationship?"

"Well, it's a good enough start!" AlariKlaus raved. "Once I awaken my werewolf side, I will achieve supreme power! I will be a god on the earth! Then maybe you'll show me some respect!"

Katherine was repulsed. "Eww! Werewolves are _so gross!_ I went out with one once. _Never again!_ The panting, the hair, the grime, the stink, heartworm, fleas, rabies... why would you _ever_ want to be one?"

"For the _power_, you fool!" AlariKlaus scoffed. "And if you think there aren't any women out there who are into dirty werewolf sex, you're _sadly mistaken!_ So if you want a shot at being my unholy were-pire queen beside my throne, you'd better start _being nice!_"

"As much as I love the idea of the whole world bowing down to kiss my foot, I'll have to pass. It's just not worth spending extra time with you," Katherine said. "Plus you're a total greaseball and I want you dead."

"You idiot! No one refuses me! _No one!_"

Katherine yawned and tossed the magazine to the floor. "I'm bored... can I get out of bed now?"

"I'll give you something to do," AlariKlaus growled through clenched teeth. He picked up a pocket knife from the nightstand and put it in her hand. "You're going to put on your dress, go sit in that chair, take this knife, and stab your own gorgeous legs repeatedly all day, until I tell you to stop," he compelled her.

Katherine complied with his orders, laughing at him on her way to the chair. "That's the best you've got? _Woo, I'm so scared..."_ she mocked.

AlariKlaus quickly got dressed and spent a few minutes gleefully watching Katherine stab herself. "I'm late for school," he said. "But first, there's one more thing I need to do..." AlariKlaus took a CD from the rack and proceeded to load it into Alaric's stereo system. Soon, the apartment was filled with the most obscenely overproduced tone-deaf mall muzak one could imagine.

"Oh no," Katherine gasped in fear. "Not that! Please, _anything_ but that!"

AlariKlaus smiled wickedly. "You will force yourself to listen to this Justin Bieber CD on endless repeat until I return," he compelled.

"Please, not the Biebs! Just kill me instead! _Kill me! Please be merciful, Klaus!_" Katherine begged in sheer fright of the torture that she was about to undergo. AlariKlaus laughed with diabolical satisfaction, turned up the volume of the stereo a little higher, and left the apartment.

* * *

Later that night, the school's annual decade dance turned into a fiery showdown between AlariKlaus and Bonnie. After the battle, a weakened AlariKlaus scurried off, leaving behind two casualties: Bonnie, and one snack machine. Little did AlariKlaus know that he had been duped, and Bonnie was still alive. The Salvatore brothers stood over Bonnie's unconscious body, amidst a smattering of crushed chocolate bars and pretzels.

"Alright, go ahead," Stefan said.

"Go ahead... what?" Damon asked, confused.

"You have to carry her out of here," Stefan said.

"Why?" Damon whined.

"It's your job, Damon," Stefan said. "We can't just leave her here."

"Why me? Why can't you do it?" Damon asked.

"Because I don't do anything useful... duh!" Stefan whined.

"Well, I don't want to do it, either," Damon groaned.

"Come on, you're good at this!" Stefan whined.

"No! This sucks! I don't want to have to touch her!" Damon whined.

"Just do it. She's not _that_ repulsive," Stefan encouraged.

"Then you do it!" Damon growled.

"It has to be you! Come on, you know this," Stefan said.

"What am I supposed to do?" Damon whined.

"Do we really have to go over this again?" Stefan asked.

"I don't remember what I'm supposed to do!" Damon snarled. "Sorry, but I've been way too busy keeping _your girlfriend_ from dying!"

Stefan sighed. "Alright, you're supposed to bend down over Bonnie's lifeless body like you're so devastated by her death that all of your energy has just been sapped from you, right? Then you close her eyelids and make it look totally somber, like you're in _so much pain_ because you've just lost the love of your life, and you never realized what she meant to you until this moment, and now that it's too late, you're suffering immensely. Then you take her up into your arms and carry her out of here and make sure you look very _emo_ when you do it! It'll be such an _epic_ Bamon scene!" Stefan explained.

"But there's no such thing as Bamon! It's all just a big joke!" Damon fumed.

"Shh..." Stefan hushed. "Some people haven't figured that out yet! Don't spoil the surprise," he said quietly. "So go pick Bonnie up and sadly carry her away like your life has just been shattered and you have no purpose anymore and you just want to die. Make it look real."

Damon cursed under his breath. "I _hate_ playing emo scenes! Can't we just throw her in a wheelbarrow or something and cart her out?"

"No," Stefan said. "It's supposed to be _sad_ and tragic, not like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon!"

"But I'm _not_ sad," Damon snarled. "I'm thrilled the nasty bitch is _finally_ dead for good!"

"But she's _not_ dead for good," Stefan said. "She's faking it, remember?"

"_Damn!_ Why'd you have to remind me? Alright, be back in a minute," Damon said and took off down the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Stefan called after him.

"Gonna find a wheelbarrow!" Damon headed down the hallway towards the gymnasium, when Elena came running around the corner. "Hey Elena, any idea where I can find a wheelbarrow and a shovel in this crummy school?"

Elena frowned. "What do you need that for?"

"Got to bury a witch," he said nonchalantly.

"Damon! Bonnie's not dead! You're only supposed to hide her somewhere safe!" Elena complained.

Damon smirked. "There's no place safer than six feet underground."

"Never mind that now," Elena said. "We've got to save Katherine while there's time!"

"She's probably dead," Damon said.

Elena shook her head frantically. "No! She's alive! Her heart still beats... I can feel it!"

"Really? How does that work?"

"We're doppelgangers! We share everything... looks, heartbeat, clothes, men," Elena said. "Are you gonna help me find her or do I have to go alone?"

Damon nodded. "Alright, let's check Ric's apartment."

* * *

Damon and Elena were walking down the hallway outside of Alaric's apartment when suddenly, Damon's super sensitive hearing picked up on some horrendous noise that was so painful it brought him to his knees. It was almost as bad as the stupid headache thing Bonnie did to him practically every time they met. He clutched at his ears and groaned in agony.

Elena was immediately at his assistance. "Damon, what's wrong?"

"That noise!" Damon groaned.

Elena could only hear the vague, faint thumping of a stereo system. "What is it? Some kind of anti-vampire device?"

"No," Damon groaned. "I think it's Bieber."

Elena's mouth hung open. "Oh my God! Katherine's been exposed! I've got to turn it off!" She made a move towards the apartment but Damon grabbed her by the arm.

"No! You can't go in there! It's too dangerous!" Damon wailed.

"Katherine's in there!" Elena broke free of Damon's grip and burst through the door of Alaric's apartment, her hands over her ears, trying desperately to muffle the horrific sounds. She struggled through the pain, fighting her way to the stereo. She dove for the power cord, and with a quick tug, the awful noise abruptly stopped. With an angry shout, Elena pulled the CD from the stereo and snapped it into little silvery bits that scattered to the floor. Then she immediately ran to Katherine who was lying on the floor, semi-conscious, and drooling.

"Katherine! It's Elena! Can you hear me?"

Katherine's eyes were vacant, and she just kept mumbling the same thing over and over again: "Biebs... Biebs... Biebs..."

"It's over," Elena said. "No more Biebs!"

"Is she alright?" Damon asked from just outside the doorway.

"I don't know!" Elena shouted. "I think she's in some kind of a Bieber-induced stupor!"

"Try giving her some blood. Check the refrigerator," Damon said. Elena ran to the refrigerator, retrieved a cold blood bag, and fed its contents to Katherine, who accepted it readily. Her eyes seemed to clear up a little.

"Katherine, it's me, Elena..."

Katherine looked up at Elena sort of like a curious baby exploring her environment. "Doppel date?"

"Yes! Your doppel date!" Elena burst into tears and hugged Katherine. "Let's get you out of here."

"He compelled me. I can't leave," Katherine groaned sadly.

"Make her drink this," Damon said, throwing a vial of clear liquid into the apartment. "Vervain." Elena caught the vial and carefully fed its contents to Katherine.

"He's torturing me," Katherine gasped. "Elena... you shouldn't be here... it's too dangerous... if he puts on Bieber again..."

Elena hushed her quiet. "I'm not going to leave you!"

"Uh... actually we really should get the hell out of here before AlariKlaus shows up," Damon said.

"I have to go," Elena told Katherine. "Be strong. We'll get you out of here."

Elena left Katherine on the floor and jogged out of the apartment.

"Let's go," Damon said.

"Hang on," Elena said. "Just give me one more minute."

"Make it quick," Damon said.

Elena ran back into the apartment, and knelt beside her doppelganger on the floor. She looked Katherine in her vacant eyes, and brushed her hair aside.

"I love you, Katherine," she said softly. "We'll be together again. I promise." Elena then kissed Katherine once on her still lips and left the apartment, wiping the tears that streamed from her eyes as she left her dear doppel-lover behind, in the clutches of a psychopath.


	25. London Calling

**THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US**

**CHAPTER 25: LONDON CALLING**

* * *

The next evening at sundown, Damon and Caroline piled into the SUV and headed to the Lockwood mansion. Damon didn't have time to explain, only that he needed help and it was all for Elena, and Caroline obliged. The mansion was lit up brightly, well-dressed people were lined up at the door, and there was a fireworks display in the gardens. By every indication, it looked like a big party.

"You're taking me to a party?" Caroline whined. "I'm not dressed for a party! I thought you said this was about Elena!"

"It _is_ about Elena! And we're not here as guests; we're here to crash the party!" Damon snapped. They scanned the road, looking for a parking space. When they spotted Stefan's red sports car sticking out like a sore thumb, they immediately pulled over and piled out. Stefan had just arrived, and he got out of his car, wearing a spiffy tuxedo.

"Hey! You guys made it!" Stefan announced happily.

"Stefan! Don't tell me you're actually attending this thing!" Damon blasted.

"Of course! It's better than just staying home and closing my eyes as Klaus takes Elena away," Stefan said. "You know Damon, it's a good thing you made me stay home to check the mail, otherwise no one would have been there to get the invitations. Here you go..." Stefan pulled out the silvery foil-like papers and handed one of each to Damon and Caroline.

"Holy crap! Do you realize what this means?" Damon announced. "It means Stefan finally did something useful!"

"Hey, you're right!" Caroline giggled.

"First time for everything, right?" Stefan laughed.

Damon held up the fancy invitation and read aloud: "Dear friends, enemies, co-workers, and minions of Klaus and Elijah: Please join us in celebrating the ritual sacrifice (a.k.a 'death-day') of Elena Gilbert, the last remaining human Petrova doppelganger. Black tie suggested." Damon grit his teeth in anger. "Un-freaking-believable!"

Stefan shrugged. "At least Elena gets to die with some style."

"Open bar, hopefully?" Caroline asked.

"Should be a killer party!" Stefan said. "I'm so glad you guys showed up when you did. I don't want to look like a loser going in alone. Caroline, would you be my date?"

"I'm with Damon, actually," Caroline said hurriedly.

"Wait a minute... you're actually choosing me over Stefan?" Damon asked Caroline. "I mean, not that I blame you for picking the better, hotter, superior-"

"Shut up, Damon!" Stefan snapped.

"Are we going to just stand here bickering, or are we going to the party?" Caroline asked.

"Shut up, Caroline!" Damon snapped. "I told you we're here to crash it! No party means no sacrifice!"

"But I want free alcohol!" Caroline whined. "Let's go, Stefan."

Caroline begrudgingly took Stefan's arm and the foursome made their way down the path, showed their invitations at the door, and entered to join the incredibly huge party inside the Lockwood estate.

Intent on sabotaging the party, Damon slipped around the back of the mansion and entered through the basement. In the dark cellar, he heard two male voices talking. Recognizing the two voices as Jeremy and Tyler, so Damon hid around the corner and listened.

"I was just wondering," Jeremy said.

"Wondering what, Gilbert?" Tyler groaned.

"Is that the moonstone in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Jeremy teased.

Damon quietly facepalmed himself, hidden in the cellar shadows.

"Shut the hell up, Gilbert," Tyler groaned. "You're supposed to be helping me, not checking out my package."

"I mean the whole silly thing with us both screwing Vicki," Jeremy went on. "You ever wonder if that was more about us trying to find each other?"

"No. Never." Tyler shot back.

Damon decided he'd had enough and made his presence known to the two tuxedo-clad boys, who were shocked to learn that they were not alone. "Hope I'm not interrupting any homoerotic dialogue," Damon jibed, "but just what the hell is going on here?"

"Uh... Elijah asked us to bring up a few more bottles of champagne," Jeremy explained, showing the bottles he held in each hand.

"Yeah. You can't have a party without the champagne," Tyler said.

"That's true... that's very true," Damon repeated with growing glee, as he formulated an idea. Suddenly, he sprang forward and grabbed the bottles from the boys, angrily smashing and breaking them on the floor. Jeremy and Tyler fought back and they ended up struggling on the ground. Tyler growled and bit into Damon's arm, sinking his teeth into the leather of his jacket like a hungry dog clamping down on a rawhide bone. Damon kicked Tyler away and then retreated from the basement and headed upstairs to the party. It didn't take him long to spot the guest of honor in her ice blue dress, and her bitchy doppelganger right beside her.

"Nice dress," Katherine snickered, sneaking up behind Elena to surprise her. "Mind if I borrow it?"

Elena spun around. "Katherine! I missed you so much!" The doppelgangers hugged.

"I wouldn't miss our doppel-date," Katherine said happily. Elena wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Stefan! Damon! Caroline! I'm so glad you all made it! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

A tuxedo-clad Jeremy popped out of the crowd. "Hey Elena, you should let Elijah know that we're running out of shrimp poppers."

"Okay, I will," Elena said. "The last thing I want is people going hungry at my death-day party. What an embarrassment that would be!"

"Have you all lost your minds!" Damon groaned, infuriated. "I mean, am I the only person on the planet who understands that Elena's about to die? Am I?"

"Don't be such a buzz kill, Damon," Elena admonished.

"Yeah, lighten up Damon," Stefan said. "It's a party. Have some fun! Quit being so broody and tortured. You're reminding me of... me."

"You're all insane! You can all go to hell!" Damon blasted.

"Calm your tits, good sir," Elijah said. The Original materialized out of the crowd, carrying an ornate, antique looking urn. "This is an ancient elixir I procured for Katerina. It possesses certain magical properties of resuscitation. Miss Gilbert will drink this before the sacrifice..."

"And then I'll be dead..." Elena added.

"And then you won't be," Elijah finished.

"That's your plan?" Damon fired back incredulously. "Some mysterious elixir with no expiration date? Elena, how can you even trust this snake oil salesman? What if it doesn't work?"

Elena shrugged. "Then I guess I'll just be dead."

"You should probably drink it now," Elijah said.

Elena accepted the urn, removed the stopper, and took a sip of the magical liquid while her friends looked on. "It's funny," she said. "It tastes exactly like root beer without any fizz in it."

"What? Let me see that!" Elijah blasted. He grabbed the urn from Elena, took a drink from it, and then became livid. "This isn't a magical resuscitation elixir! Those bastards ripped me off!"

"Did you keep your receipt?" Caroline asked. "Maybe you can still get your money back."

"I doubt it, Caroline, seeing as how he bought it five hundred years ago," Elena said as she watched Elijah storm off in a huff.

"Now what?" Damon demanded.

"Damon, keep your temper in check," Elena said.

"Happy death-day, Elena," Stefan said.

"Thank you, Stefan!" Elena cheered.

"This sucks!" Katherine fumed.

"Fuck this!" Damon snapped.

"Damon, why can't you and Katherine be more supportive of my death, like Stefan is?" Elena whined.

"I told you, we should have let Bonnie nip it in the bud before it got out of hand," Damon said.

"Then she'd be dead," Elena countered.

"Screw the witch!" Damon snapped. "I'll always choose you, Katherine."

"Do you realize you just called me Katherine?" Elena asked. Damon squinted.

"Stuff it, Elena. He said he'd choose me," Katherine gloated.

"I know what he said, but he was looking at me," Elena argued.

"Doesn't matter! He said Katherine," Katherine teased.

"It was a mistake! He meant it for me!" Elena whined. "Didn't you, Damon?"

"Wait. I'm confused," Damon said. "Probably because I was just daydreaming about having sex with Katherine in the bathroom."

"Meet me upstairs in ten minutes, and we can make the leap from dreams to reality," Katherine purred.

Damon leaned over and whispered in Katherine's ear: "Do me a favor and hold back Stefan and Caroline for me."

"Why? What are you gonna do?" Katherine muttered quietly.

"I'm going to force my blood down Elena's throat," Damon muttered nonchalantly.

"That's your amazing plan?" Katherine asked. "That sucks."

"You have a better idea?" Damon asked.

"Actually, I do," Katherine said.

"What?"

"_I'm_ going to force _my_ blood down her throat," Katherine snapped back. They both bolted for Elena, but ended up tackling each other to the ground.

"No you're not!" Damon snapped.

"Admit it, Damon! You just wish you had the balls to do it!" Katherine gasped.

"I _do_ have the balls to do it! You keep stealing my material! You're a hack!" Damon spat.

Suddenly, an awed hush fell over the party goers. Whispers were passed all around the room: "He's here." The crowd parted, clearing a path. Elena shared worried glances with her friends. The room went dead silent as Klaus entered.

"Welcome, brother," Elijah greeted.

"Lovely night for a party. Where is my doppelganger?" Klaus demanded.

"What's the hurry? Why not mingle for a bit?" Elijah suggested.

"Don't tell me..." Klaus stared down his brother fiercely. "You've developed feelings for her, haven't you? You weak, pathetic old softy."

"Don't be ridiculous," Elijah said. "She's around here somewhere."

"In other words, you don't know where she is?" Klaus sighed. "Please tell me history is not repeating itself."

"I'm right here, jackass," Elena announced, stepping out of the crowd. Everyone collectively gasped.

Klaus smirked. "Wow, what a bitch. You're the complete opposite of sweet, innocent Katerina."

"Yeah, tell it like it is, Klaus," Katherine cheered.

"Look, I just don't want anyone else to get hurt," Elena said. "So go ahead and drain my blood or whatever and get this stupid sacrifice over with. I think the suspense is killing me more than the blood draining, at this point."

Klaus laughed heartily and jabbed Elijah with his elbow. "Sacrifice? She thinks I'm here to sacrifice her, Elijah!"

"Well... aren't you?" Elijah asked, confused.

"Yeah, aren't you?" Elena asked.

Klaus laughed. "Silly, unfounded rumors. I didn't come here to do any sacrificing! That kind of stuff is way too old school."

"You didn't?" Elena asked, perplexed.

"You didn't?" Elijah asked, confused.

"Wait... he didn't?" Katherine muttered.

"I don't see the point," Stefan muttered.

"The hell?" Damon muttered.

"Is this guy for real?" Caroline muttered.

"Elena, I didn't come here to sacrifice you," Klaus continued. "I came here to start a life with you." Elena's jaw dropped.

"Hey, he stole my line!" Stefan shouted, while Caroline and Damon restrained him. "The jerk is stealing my lines _and_ my girl! Let me go! I'm gonna kill him! I'll go ripper on his ass! Let me go!"

"Easy, Stef!" Damon warned.

"Well, Elena?" Klaus went on. "I have a private jet waiting to bring us back to my London townhouse."

Elena's eyes lit up. "Ooh! I've always wanted to live in London!"

Katherine stepped forward, sparked by jealousy. "Wait, London townhouse? Hey Klaus, I'm still available! Don't you want me?"

Klaus shrugged. "Not really."

"But _I'm_ the real deal!" Katherine whined. "I'm the crazy bitch! She's just a pale imitation of me in every way!"

"But I want a _human_ doppelganger," Klaus said, turning to Elena. "Well then sweetheart, shall we go?"

The crowd fell completely silent in anticipation.

"Um... well thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass," Elena said politely.

The crowd collectively awed. Klaus was speechless. No one had ever refused him before. Sensing impending violence, Elijah tried to usher Klaus away from the party. "Well, thanks for stopping by," Elijah said. "Give me a call when you get back to London."

"I'm not leaving without my doppelganger," Klaus said coldly.

"I'll go!" Katherine volunteered.

"Shut up, Katerina!" Klaus barked. "I want Elena."

"Doesn't everybody?" Caroline sighed.

"I believe Miss Gilbert made it clear that she doesn't want to go anywhere with you," Elijah said.

Klaus shook his head. "And so it begins again. Admit it, brother. You just want to live out your Petrova fantasies vicariously through Elena!"

"That's exactly what _you're_ trying to do!" Elijah snapped.

"Fine. There's only one way to settle this," Klaus said. With a snap of his fingers, a servant appeared bearing a wooden box with an ornate family crest on it. He opened the box, revealing a pair of antique guns and two bullets set on a bed of crushed velvet. The bullets were also made of wood and appeared hand-carved.

Elijah nodded. "The old family dueling kit."

Elena gasped at the sight of it. "Wait! You guys don't have to do this!"

"Shut up, Elena. Just shut up, step back, and let the two nut bags kill each other," Damon muttered.

"One bullet each, hand carved from the very last remains of the great white oak of our forefathers. The only material capable of killing an Original," Klaus explained.

The crowd scattered back against the walls of the ballroom and watched silently as Klaus and Elijah each loaded their respective gun with a single bullet. The Original brothers stood back to back. "Ten paces, turn, and fire," Klaus said.

"With honor," Elijah said.

The party goers watched anxiously as the brothers began their march. "One... two... three..." Klaus' burly servant counted off each step. "Four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten!" The Original brothers spun around and fired, and a thick cloud of gun smoke filled the room. When the smoke cleared, Klaus was still standing. But so was Elijah.

"Damn it!" Klaus shouted.

"This was a stupid idea," Elijah snickered.

"No! It was an awesome idea!" Klaus snarled. "It's not my fault these antique guns can't shoot straight!"

"Well, you should have checked that out before we wasted the last white oak bullets on earth!" Elijah complained.

"Now what are we going to do?" Klaus moaned.

"Easy. Rock-paper-scissors competition. Best three out of five. Winner gets the girl," Elijah suggested.

"Fair enough. Let's do it!" Klaus pumped his fist. "Just one thing..."

"What?"

Klaus looked all around the room. "Where is the girl?" Elijah looked around. Stefan and Damon looked around. Caroline and Jeremy looked around.

Elena was gone.

"This is ridiculous," Damon sighed, wiping a spectacular amount of sweat from his brow.

"You don't look so good," Stefan said.

"I don't _feel_ so good." Damon pulled up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal the dark wound; the venom spreading through his veins. "Wolf bite. I'll be on my deathbed if anyone needs me," he said casually, patting Stefan on the shoulder as he marched out of the party.

With what little hope remained, Stefan turned to Klaus. "Um... Mr. Klaus, sir? Sorry to bother you, but you wouldn't happen to know of a cure for a werewolf bite, would you?"

Klaus smiled wide and wrapped his arm around Stefan's shoulders. "I've been watching you. I'll make your dreams come true. All I ask is that you destroy what's left of your humanity and embrace your true nature as a rippah."

"Uh... that isn't like... a gay thing, is it?" Stefan asked hesitantly.

Klaus laughed heartily as he escorted Stefan away from the party. "So many possibilities! Come along, mah rippah."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Elena attempted to be of some consolation to Damon as he lay dying.

"You can't die! You can't leave me! You can't leave me all alone with Stefan! He's going to drive me insane!" Elena cried.

"Then you'll finally know what I've had to put up with," Damon groaned, sweating profusely on his deathbed. "I know that it's always gonna be Stefan, or Mason, or Elijah, or Matt, or... whoever the hell it is this week, but... you need to know that I love you, Katherine."

Elena frowned. "I'm not Katherine."

"I know, Katherine," Damon deliriously groaned. "But I still love you."

Elena rolled her eyes. "Great. Thanks."

"Remember how much fun we had in 1864? You liked me back then."

"I like you just the way you are now," Elena said. "Calm, docile, sedated, unable to flip out and kill people..."

Damon shook his head. "It's too late for me. I deserve to die."

"Well, I can't exactly argue with that," Elena said. "But it still sucks!"

"It shouldn't be long now," Damon sighed.

Elena cried. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Well..." Damon groaned, "actually... a blowjob would be nice."

Elena stopped crying. "What?"

Damon cleared his throat. "That's where you take-"

"No!" Elena snapped. "I mean it's just kind of amazing that you can be on your deathbed and still be obsessed with sex."

"Consider it a hummer of forgiveness. It's my final wish. My last, sweaty, dying wish. It's your choice. But hurry up 'cause I'll be dead soon. No pressure though."

Elena sobbed uncontrollably as she began to unfasten his belt buckle, but she jumped off the bed in embarrassment when Katherine came through the door. "Um... where's Stefan?" Elena stammered nervously.

Katherine frowned. "You sure you really give a crap?"

Elena sighed. "Not entirely."

Katherine wasted no time in climbing onto the bed and feeding Damon the contents of the bottle. "You got free, and you still came here?" he groaned.

"You know I never miss an opportunity to play nurse with you," Katherine teased.

"Ahem! Hello! I'm still in the room!" Elena announced.

"Nobody cares, Elena," Katherine said.

"So where's Stefan?" Elena persisted.

"He just gave up everything to save his brother..." Katherine said, "including his heterosexuality."

Elena was in shock. "Wait a minute! Do you know what this means?"

Katherine shrugged. "Stefan actually did something useful for once?"

Elena nodded. "Exactly!"

"First time for everything, I guess," Katherine said.

Elena immediately took out her phone and sent a quick text to Stefan: "_Damon is okay. Where r u? -Elena"_

She waited a minute, and then a reply came in, confirming the worst: _"Going to a gay biker bar w/ Klaus. BBL. -Stefan"_

Elena texted back: _"LOL! OMFG srsly? -Elena"_

A reply came in a minute later: _"Yeah but only for like 10 yrs. LOL -Stefan"_

Elena wrote back: _"OMG that's like forever to me. 10 years is more than half of my lifetime! -Elena"_

Stefan replied: _"Don't worry about me, just have fun sleeping w/ Damon. LOL -Stefan"_

Elena replied: _"K thx I will. LOL -Elena"_

"Told you," Katherine said.

"What do we do now?" Elena asked.

"Well, we can't just leave Damon here, all sweaty and gross and delirious," Katherine said.

"You're right," Elena said.

"He really could use a bath..." Katherine suggested.

"That's what I was thinking," Elena said.

"The tub is pretty big. I bet it could fit three people easily," Katherine hinted.

"I'll start the water, you get his clothes off," Elena said.

Katherine hefted Damon up over her shoulder and carried him into the bathroom. In minutes, he found himself hurled into a bubble bath with the two naked doppelgangers who worked him over with a sponge. "Wow! Two Katherines! Am I dead? Is this heaven?" he groaned in groggy ecstasy.

"Something like that," Elena said.

"I choose you, Kathelena!" he declared. "I choose you!"

"Yes, you do," Katherine said. "It's okay to love us both. And it's okay to fuck us both, even though I'll _always_ be the better lay."

"Hey!" Elena snapped.

"What? You both know it's the truth," Katherine said.

"Yeah, I do. But quit hogging his front," Elena whined.

"_You_ quit monopolizing the sponge!" Katherine snapped.

"I'm not!" Elena whined.

"You've had it for five minutes! Give me that!" Katherine grabbed at the sponge.

"No!" Elena tugged back.

"Give me the sponge, Elena!" Katherine tugged.

"Quit it, Katherine!

* * *

Later that night, Elena sighed in the passenger seat of the speeding Porsche. "I can't believe I agreed to this."

"You'll get used to it. The first thirty years are the hardest," Katherine said as she steered the car onto the interstate highway. "Just be glad you don't have to run alone like I had to. We're going to have so much fun together!"

"Just so you know, I'm not doing any boyfriend swapping with you, or anything like that," Elena said.

"But we already have," Katherine whined. "Besides, that's the best part about being doppelgangers! We should share everything, including our boy toys."

"Where are we going, anyway?" Elena asked.

"I'm thinking somewhere tropical," Katherine said. "We can get matching bikinis and laze it up on a beach for a little while before Klaus gets bored with Stefan and comes after me."

"You mean before Klaus comes after _me_," Elena corrected her.

"No way. I don't care how gay he acts; Klaus is still hot for me," Katherine said assuredly.

"You're delusional!" Elena whined. "Klaus said he wants _me_ for who I am."

"So did Stefan and Damon, but we both know that's bullshit," Katherine huffed.

Elena rolled her eyes. "I feel like death warmed over. I must look like hell." Pulling the compact mirror from her bag, she was aghast at the pale form staring back at her. But even more disturbing was the second face that showed up in the mirror. "Oh no!" She snapped the mirror shut, only to open it again and be greeted by the face of the cantankerous warlock.

"Elena!" Jonas cried out. "Thank God I found you!"

"What the hell are you doing in my compact?" Elena asked.

"I'm getting better at this," Jonas said. "Now Elena, listen to me very carefully. There's an ancient grimoire buried underneath a strip club in Charlotte, North Carolina... I need you to go there and dig it up before-" Elena abruptly snapped the mirror shut and dropped it back into her bag.

"Were you talking to your mirror?" Katherine asked.

Elena sighed. "Just drive."


End file.
